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2008-09-09T21:23:00.005+09:00

berkat ramadhan

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim,
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum kawan2,
Alhamdulillah, indeed all praises be to Allah.

before coming here, to the island of japan,
i had to attend the japanese matriculation center (jmc)
for 2 years to learn the language.

during those time,
as i was not as friendly with everyone,
i did't mind when people wanna come and talk to me.
most of the time i just let them share with me,
and let them go their way.
when they come again to talk,
i'd listen again and then, let them go away again.
that was how i was,
maybe still am,
i don't really shun people,
but i don't really open up either.

during the first year of jmc in 1997,
because the japanese program started early:
even before the spm results were announced,
some of my fellow friends,
they opted to quit the program for another after the result was announced.

one of them would be a good friend of mine, anas.
we didn't talk much when we were in jmc,
only after he quit do we talk,
never face to face but through the phone,
in the wee hours of the night,
and the usual subject would be?
me giving him advices on how to win the heart of the girl he liked back then.

we lost contact after some time, but Alhamdulillah,
he found me on friendster and things just picked up from there.
it was the usual "guano mung?" and such.

until recently.

since facebook,
i've become a lazy a$$ checking up my friendster account,
but that one day, i decided to check it out and?
i found an unread message from him.
turned out?
he's coming to japan for 2 weeks!
and he was asking for my contact number.
i gave it to him, telling him to ring me up once he's here.

i know you guys already know this,
but i have to admit, that lately
i am mostly busy with work and due dates,
i didn't think much of him coming.

and as for ramadhan:
i willed to do as much as my stamina allows me to.
i didn't know if i was gonna make the most of ramadhan as i should have,
due to workload and fatigue.

but anas came and mang haiiii,
he kept ringing and ringing and ringing me.
so we met up and had dinner together last wednesday.

i didn't think i'd be spending so much time with him,
and i didn't plan to,
but after that,
since last saturday to monday morning,
i did spend my time with him, along with akuie.

we ushered him to disneyland,
machida and all the other places he wanted to go,
shopping for things he wanted to bring home to his wife & kids.

talked alot we did too!
we didn't plan it that way,
but Masya Allah, all the times we talked,
it'd mostly circulate around Him and Rasulullah SAW,
and other islamic topics,
even when the topic started out with something else unrelated.

really!
start with anything,
it could be at a cafe that selling coffee and tea along with cognag on the menu,
or at a japanese traditional tempura shop,
we always end up having tazkirah.
the Might of Allah, the Will of Allah,
trully, Alhamdulillah,
all praises be to Allah!

and the ilmu he shared!
Masya Allah,
he made me nganga all the time.
new things, new stuffs!
things my short akal couldn't reach before. trully,
there's just SOOOOO MUCH of Allah's knowledge i haven't even started to learn!

all this,
my tergerak hati nak check friendster,
him coming over at this time of the year,
when the world almost got my feet again,
ALL of THIS,
they're all from Allah,
and i am deeply grateful.

Allah benarkan,
Allah hitungkan,
Allah says Be, and Be it will.
Alhamdulillah...

monday morning,
me and akuie and anas was sitting on my veranda,
a few hours to fajr, and anas?
he was telling us about Rasulullah SAW's Sakaratul Maut.

he said he couldn't tell the whole jist of it because of the sadness and fear,
and told me he will send over the document from malaysia.

i couldn't wait and looked it up today,
and i cried like a baby.

so here is some ilmu i learned from him,
that i hope i can share with you.

it was new to me,
it may not be new to you,
but still, as a reminder,
for we forget too easily.

Detik-detik Rasulullah SAW Menghadapi Sakaratul Maut

Ada sebuah kisah tentang cinta yang sebenar2 cinta
yang dicontohkan Allah melalui kehidupan Rasul-Nya.

Pagi itu, walaupun langit telah mulai menguning,
burung2 gurun enggan mengepakkan sayap.

Pagi itu, Rasulullah dengan suara terbatas memberikan khutbah:

"Wahai umatku,
kita semua ada dalam kekuasaan Allah dan cinta kasih-Nya.
Maka taati dan bertakwalah kepada-Nya.
Kuwariskan dua perkara pada kalian: Al Qur'an dan sunnahku.
Barang siapa mencintai sunnahku, bererti mencintai aku
dan kelak orang-orang yang mencintaiku, akan masuk syurga bersama2 aku."

Khutbah singkat itu diakhiri dengan pandangan mata Rasulullah
yang tenang dan penuh minat menatap sahabatnya satu persatu.

Abu Bakar menatap mata itu dengan berkaca-kaca,
Umar dadanya naik turun menahan nafas dan tangisnya.
Usman menghela nafas panjang dan Ali menundukkan kepalanya dalam2.
Isyarat itu telah datang,
saatnya sudah tiba.

"Rasulullah akan meninggalkan kita semua,"
keluh hati semua sahabat kala itu.

Manusia tercinta itu,
hampir selesai menunaikan tugasnya didunia.
Tanda-tanda itu semakin kuat, tatkala Ali dan Fadhal dengan cergas
menangkap Rasulullah yang berkeadaan lemah dan goyah ketika turun dari mimbar.

Disaat itu, kalau mampu,
seluruh sahabat yang hadir di sana pasti akan menahan detik-detik berlalu.

Matahari kian tinggi, tapi pintu rumah Rasulullah masih tertutup.
Sedang didalamnya, Rasulullah sedang terbaring lemah
dengan keningnya yang berkeringat
dan membasahi pelepah kurma yang menjadi alas tidurnya.

Tiba-tiba dari luar pintu terdengar seorang yang berseru mengucapkan salam.
"Bolehkah saya masuk?" tanyanya.

Tapi Fatimah tidak mengizinkannya masuk,
"Maafkanlah, ayahku sedang demam,"
kata Fatimah yang membalikkan badan dan menutup pintu.

Kemudian ia kembali menemani ayahnya yang ternyata sudah membuka mata
dan bertanya pada Fatimah, "Siapakah itu wahai anakku?"

"Tak tahulah ayahku, orang sepertinya baru sekali ini aku melihatnya,"
tutur Fatimah lembut.

Lalu, Rasulullah menatap puterinya itu dengan pandangan yang menggetarkan.
Seolah-olah bahagian demi bahagian wajah anaknya itu hendak dikenang.

"Ketahuilah, dialah yang menghapuskan kenikmatan sementara,
dialah yang memisahkan pertemuan di dunia.
Dialah malakul maut," kata Rasulullah.

Fatimah pun menahan ledakkan tangisnya.

Malaikat maut datang menghampiri,
tapi Rasulullah menanyakan kenapa Jibril tidak ikut sama menyertainya.
Kemudian dipanggilah Jibril yang sebelumnya sudah bersiap di atas langit dunia menyambut ruh kekasih Allah dan penghulu dunia ini.

"Jibril, jelaskan apa hakku nanti di hadapan Allah?"
Tanya Rasululllah dengan suara yang amat lemah.

"Pintu-pintu langit telah terbuka, para malaikat telah menanti ruhmu.
Semua syurga terbuka lebar menanti kedatanganmu," kata Jibril.

Tapi itu ternyata tidak membuatkan Rasulullah lega,
matanya masih penuh kecemasan.

"Engkau tidak senang mendengar khabar ini?" tanya Jibril lagi.

"Khabarkan kepadaku bagaimana nasib umatku kelak?"
"Jangan khuatir, wahai Rasul Allah,
aku pernah mendengar Allah berfirman kepadaku:
'Kuharamkan syurga bagi siapa saja,
kecuali umat Muhammad telah berada di dalamnya," kata Jibril.

Detik-detik semakin dekat, saatnya Izrail melakukan tugas.
Perlahan ruh Rasulullah ditarik.
Nampak seluruh tubuh Rasulullah bersimbah peluh,
urat-urat lehernya menegang.

"Jibril, betapa sakit sakaratul maut ini," perlahan Rasulullah mengaduh.

Fatimah terpejam, Ali yang di sampingnya menunduk semakin dalam
dan Jibril memalingkan muka.

"Jijikkah kau melihatku, hingga kau palingkan wajahmu Jibril?"
tanya Rasulullah pada Malaikat pengantar wahyu itu.

"Siapakah yang sanggup, melihat kekasih Allah direnggut ajal," kata Jibril.

Sebentar kemudian terdengar Rasulullah memekik,
kerana sakit yang tidak tertahankan lagi.

"Ya Allah, dahsyat nian maut ini,
timpakan saja semua siksa maut ini kepadaku, jangan pada umatku."

Badan Rasulullah mulai dingin,
kaki dan dadanya sudah tidak bergerak lagi.
Bibirnya bergetar seakan hendak membisikkan sesuatu,
Ali segera mendekatkan telinganya.

"Uushiikum bis shalati, wa maa malakat aimanuku"
"Peliharalah shalat dan peliharalah orang-orang lemah di antaramu."

Di luar pintu tangis mulai terdengar bersahutan, sahabat saling berpelukan.
Fatimah menutupkan tangan di wajahnya,
dan Ali kembali mendekatkan telinganya ke bibir Rasulullah yang mulai kebiruan.

"Ummatii, ummatii, ummatiii..."
"Umatku, umatku, umatku..."

Dan, berakhirlah hidup manusia mulia yang memberi sinaran itu.

Kini, mampukah kita mencintai sepertinya?

Allahumma sholli 'ala Muhammad wa baarik wa salim 'alaihi.
Betapa cintanya Rasulullah kepada kita.
Kirimkan kepada sahabat-sahabat muslim lain
agar timbul kesedaran untuk mencintai Allah dan RasulNya,
seperti Allah dan Rasulnya mencintai kita.

Kerana sesungguhnya,
selain daripada itu hanyalah fana belaka.

- sumber

2008-09-04T06:47:00.005+09:00

Ramadhan 1429

Alhamdulillah,
indeed all praises are for Allah and Allah alone,
as the holy month of Ramadhan,
its here again *^-^*

first thing first,
mintak maaf banyak2 for the late wish dari edri ^^;

selamat menjalani ibadah puasa kawan2~
semoga ramadhan 1429,
memberikan kita keberkatan, keinsafan & kesedaran yang berkekalan
insyaAllah~ Aminnn~~ *^-^*

work is as hectic as usual, but insyaAllah,
edri akan cuba memenuhi masa dengan ibadah semampu mungkin.
and insyaAllah, akan try to share more of the Hadith Qudsi with you guys
*^-^*

Hadith Qudsi 13:
on the authority of Ady ibn Hatim (may Allah be pleased with him),
who said:

i was with the Messenger of Allah
(may the blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)
and there came to him two men:

one of them was complaining of penury (being very poor),
while the other was complaining of brigandry (robbery).

The Messenger of Allah (may the blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said:

as for brigandry,
it will be but a short time
before a caravan will [be able to] go out of Mecca without a guard.

as for penury,
the Hour (Day of Judgement) will not arrive before one of you
takes his charity around without finding anyone to accept it from him.

then (*) one of you will surely stand before Allah,
there being no screed between Him and him,
nor an interpreter to translate for him.

then He will say to him: Did I not bring you wealth?
and he will say: yes.
then He will say: Did I not send to you a messenger?
and he will say: Yes.

and he will look to his right and will see nothing but Hell-fire,
then he will look to his left and will see nothing but Hell-fire,
so let each of you protect himself against Hell-fire,
be it with even half a date
- and if he finds it not, then with a kind word.

(*) i.e. at the time of the Hour.

-related by al-Bukhari.

2008-08-09T11:35:00.003+09:00

Hadith Qudsi 12:
on the authority of Abu Mas'ud al-Ansari (may Allah be pleased with him),
who said that the Messenger of Allah (may the blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said:

a man from among those who were before you was called to account.
nothing in the way of good was found for him except
that he used to have dealings with people and, being well-to-do,
he would order his servants to let off the man in straitened circumstances
[from repaying his debt].

he (the Prophet p.b.u.h) said that Allah said:
We are worthier than you of that (of being so generous).
let him off.

-related by Muslim (also by al-Bukhari and an-Nasa'i).

reminder to self:
don't sweat the small stuff,
and its all small stuff.
big heart edri,
big heart.

Ya Allah,
show me the way about how to gain a big, spacious,
and a generous heart.
Aaaamiinnnnnn....

2008-08-03T05:49:00.009+09:00

bunga api

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

Assalamualaikum kawan2...

ishk,
smalam balik tengok fireworks penat cam nak pensan,
but right now? mata celik terang benderang :P

argh.
i suck!
suck suck suck!
i do.

i'm gonna write in malay here,
just in case,
sebab...
saya takmo orang yang paham nihonggo & english
bleh paham apa saya tulis kat sini :P

arghhhhhhhh!
i suck!

smalam gi tengok bunga api.
plan nak gi ngan kawan terdekat sahaja,
total 3 orang termasuk saya.

tapi time balik dari kerja kelmarin (jumaat)
budak jurutera aplikasi from pengeluar dok tanya2 pasal bunga api tuh.
start kol baper la,
buat kat maner la,
cam sebok nak itot.
cam sebokkkkkkkk nak itot gitu.

:P

macam malas nak ajak tapi kesian la plak kan...
so, nak tak nak, ajakla.
ingatkan kalau ajak2 ayam tak datang la kot...
saya mengaku la saya memang berharap sangat dia kensel,
tapiiiii... turns out dia datang.
argh!

ok.
saya ada masalah.
masalah saya ialah...
saya anti-social.

dulu saya ingat saya tak baper nak kawan ngan orang,
sebab saya takut orang or takutkan impressi pertama orang kat saya.
(ok... so bm saya tunggang langgang...
but saya harap kawan2 paham apa yang saya nak cakap tsk! :P)

tapi sejak kebelakangan nih baru saya pasan.
bukannyer la saya takut sangat kat orang,
or saya ni pemalu ker apa ker...

masalah saya ialah,
saya anti-social.
saya tak suka kawan.
bukan saya tak suka kawan2 saya, noooo...
kawan2 saya, saya saaaaangat suka dan sayang ngan diorang,
tapi saya tak suka nak berkawan ngan orang.
what i mean is, saya tak suka buat kawan baru.

dan bukan sahaja saya tak suka berkawan ngan orang,
saya tak suka bila orang sebok2 nak kawan ngan saya tsk!!
saya limash ok???
limash bila orang sebok2 nak kawan ngan saya.
cammmm....
oiiii... rilek la brader, sister...
keep your distance ok?
respect my boundaries ok?
saya tak suka kalau tetiba je awak masuk dalam kawasan saya
yang saya reserve untuk orang2 tertentu ok???
sesedap jek redah kawasan orang gitu.

tsk tsk tsk!

so masuk akal la kot bila ramai orang kata saya kerek, ek?
dulu tak pasan, skang baru pasan :P

so ini adalah satu masalah untuk saya,
sebab saya tak suka jadi orang kerek, blagak...
tak frenli.
cam...
argh tak bestnyer akuuuu tsk tsk tsk!
kerek gila tanak kawan ngan orang.
ingat apa?
anak raja ker?

:P

tapiiiii...
macam yang saya tulis kat atas la,
saya tak sukaaaaaaa sangat bila orang2 yang tak berkenaan
tetiba pushy nak kawan ngan saya,
trespassing boundaries saya tak pepasal.

bukanla saya tak penah try,
seblom ni ada gak time2 yang saya cuba tahan dan bersabar,
try gak berkawan ngan orang yang saya takdela nak kawan sangat,
tapi kang last2 saya stress!

tak suka tak suka tak suka.
tak suka means tak suka la ok?

mostly kenkawan saya yang saya ada skang ni,
yang saya suka dan sayang sangat2 ni,
adalah sama ada kawan2 dari skolah,
or kawan2 yang memula tak kenal,
tapi start kenal sikit2 thru here or else where,
yang kitorang slowly kenal background & character masing2,
berkembang into friendship over time.
bukan yang tetiba jek jadik kawan gitu.
yang berkembang secara semulajadi.

so malam smalam?
mamat tuh sebok nak itot,
and dia datang join saya & kawan2 saya tengok bunga api.

masalahnyer,
saya bukan baik sangat ngan mamat tuh.
and mamat tu mamat dari pihak pengeluar,
bukan satu ofis pon.
bukan rakan sekerja pon.
ok la so kitorang keje sesama seminggu skali,
but that is all.
keje sesama seminggu skali,
ari jumaat dari kol 10 sampai 5 petang.
and most of the time,
dia bukan buat keje pon.
dok congok kat situ,
buat keje lain yang tak sepatutnyer.
okla, so saya ada issue la ngan mamat tuh.
tapi ntah apsal tah mamat tu sebok2 gak join tengok bunga api.
argh!

like...
patutnyer bunga api tu session saya untuk spend ngan kekawan saya,
jadi cam session entertaining orang from kerja lak :P
frustrating sungguh!

okla tak kesah la,
layan la.
one time thing,
abis bunga api abis la.
puas la ati dia dapat tengok bunga api kot?

tapiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii?????
ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?????
tak cukup tengok bunga api,
next time nak gi jalan sesama plakkkkk...
nak gi nyanyi keroke sesama plakkkkk...
nak gi disney sesama laaaaa...
etc etc laaaaa...

dah kasik buku lali,
nak betis, peha, pinggang, abdomen and so on :P

oi?!
what's this?!
kenapa over?!

saya bukan kawan baik awak tetiba nak include awak dalam jadual jalan2 sayaaaaa...
and most of the time saya bukan leh jalan2 pon,
thanks to you sebab awak tak buat keje and keje awak saya kena buat :P
kita cuma kerja seminggu skali sesama, yang awak takdela keje sangat pon.
sumer faktor2 nih dicampur tolak,
saya tak berminat la nak kenkawan ngan awak secara peribadi...
and saya taula yang awak tu anak bongsu dari 3 adik bradik, manja satu hal,
tapi saya bukan kakak awak la nak bawak awak jalan2 sana sini...
awak dah kenapa?
awak ni takde kawan lain ker?
kenapa kacau saya???

saya mintak maaf banyak2 la,
tapi saya tak happy lansung awak nak kawan ngan saya ok?
bleh tak jangan kacau saya so that saya leh layan hal saya?
saya ada baaaaaanyak lagi hal lain nak layan tau.

huk huk huk.

so camner?
kena kawan gak ker?
kena ker?

tsk!
saya tau la saya ada jugak sedikit childish, (banyak gak kot :P)
sebagai seorang orang masyarakat (society person),
dah keje kenala membina relationship yang baik dgn orang2 keje,
but tolonggggg lah, jangannnnn la paksa saya layan awak on weekends gak.
saya nak gak enjoy hari sabtu & ahad saya on my own terms kan?
saya pun ada hak jugak takmo tengok muka awak
or pikir pasal awak on hari sabtu & ahad saya kan?
saya pun ada hak nak rest kan?

aiyohhhhhhhhhhhhh...
problem btol lahhhhh...

sombong problem,
tak sombong pon problem :P

hmph.
hmphhh!!!!

mr mott...
mr mott la gi kawan ngan mamat tu?
mr mott bawak mamat tu gi disney eh?
mr mott bawak dia gi keroke skali okeh?

yeh mr mott,
yeh?

2008-08-02T15:00:00.005+09:00

hai, nandesyo?

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

adori-san, adori-san.
sikit2 adori-san.
balik2 adori-san.

haaaaai, nandesyo~~~?
ye sayaaaaa, apa dia~~~?

:P

Assalamualaikum kawan2~
ok, so.... seperti biasa,
kerja adalah?
well, work is madness.
madness i say,
MADNESS!
hyah!

back in 2005 masa baru2 masuk keje,
i was put under the customer training team.
so kenalah men-terel-kan diri dengan design tools,
sebab nak kena jadi trainer to the customers.
sometimes customers would come to thank me,
sometimes? they clap their hands when i close!
ishkk!!! blushing machik!
but sangat gembira la.
people appreciate you kan *^-^*

after i got good in that,
i had to maintain being a trainer,
plus being one of the support engineers for the FAEs.

FAE: Field Application Engineer

they are the engineers who go out to the field,
meet customers, hold meetings & discussion with the customers,
the ones who handles customer's projects directly.
so they have to know alot.
and having to know alot, and having to cover alot of grounds,
means that they don't have time with the details.

it is us, the AEs (Application Engineers) who help them
when FAEs return with homeworks entrusted by the customers.

so AEs spend alot of time in the office,
doing error analysis, performance comparison,
circuit connection checking etc etc etc,
does stuffs.

so i did that for some time.
never had to go face to face with customers
except for when i'm training them.
other than that, i worked internally at the office.
and that, is a comfort.

until april last year that is.
when mr manager decided to put me in charge of the s.corp's helpdesk.

so since then,
from zero interaction with outsiders,
there i was, attending meeting with the supplier people,
the customer, sometimes with all of the involved parties.
and everywhere i go, why oh why am i the only female in the room?
it intimidates ok???
:P

anyway, since then,
there i was,
sitting at the help desk at s.corp,
thursday and friday every week,
handling questions & problems,
face to face with the customers :P
live.
in real time.

that was like,
oilaaaaa~~~
gila ker????

i'm not japanese mind youuuuuu,
what if i don't get what the customer is trying to say?
and what if they ask me about things i don't know?
i only know tools!
devices? intellectual properties?
high speed interfaces?
i donno all that!?
what am i gonna do if they ask me those??
can i just drop down and play dead?
i'd very much like to do that, please?

but?
time flies,
and its been over a year now.
i'm still alive,
Alhamdulillah.

and now its adori-san, adori-san.
sket2 adori-san.
balek2 adori-san.

haiyoooohhh~~~
sangat manja lah customer saya.

so last friday,
i was at the helpdesk as usual.
the sales person from the supplier was with me.
so it was way past over working hours,
but we were still doing it, work i mean.
and talking.

among other things, he kept apologizing.
for the lack of help & team spirit from his firm's AEs.
thing is, AE from supplier datang jugak,
suppose nyer datang tolong, as a team.
tapiiiii...?
datang lambat, balik awal,
haper pon tak buat :P
so sumer case sapa yang kena handle?
adori-san jugakkkkk... :P

and those makan gaji buta people will say what?
oh yeah, they really love their adori-san :P

ahah, hah,
nope, not funny :P

i do complain.
but not to the supplier la, to my bosses.
yela... orang2 distributor mana leh kong ajor ngan supplier.
kena termination kang tak pepasal jek :P

but the workload is just TOO MUCH.
my partner FAE helps me out with some la,
but still... he has his own load too kan...

mr sales is a very good man.
with all his workload,
he still monitors the incoming and outgoing emails,
and he saw the number of emails and cases i was handling,
and at the hours of my sent emails.
so he kept apologizing.
and i kept saying its ok.

turns out with all the workload,
he was worried if i'd get sick,
i later find out,
that he went seeing one of the customer earlier in the day.
and the customer was asking him about adori-san from the helpdesk.

adori-san orang mana?
(adori-san orang kajang lohh)
apsal adori-san bleh cakap nihonggo cam nihonjin?
(sebab adori-san dah melapok kat nihong dah berapa kurun lohh)
adori-san orang distributor ker orang supplier?
(adori-san orang disty lohh)
adori-san itu,
adori-san ini.
adori-san, adori-san, adori-san.

as it turns out...
rupanya last2 customer tu cakap kat mr sales:

"adori-san ga herupu desuku ni iru kagiri,
watashi wa X igai no FPGA wa tsukaimasen!"

selagi adori-san ada kat helpdesk,
saya takkan guna FPGA lain selain dari FPGA brand X!

lohhhh~~~
camtu rupernyer~~~
padanla mr sales sangat risau~~~
takut customer lari~~~

hik hik.
hik hik hik.

*^-^*

i couldn't hide my delightness.
i was grinnning and clapping my hands lightly.

"hontou desukaaaa?"
are you serious??

"hontou desuyoooo"
dead serious.

"sonna koto ittetandesuka?"
he said that?

"un. itteta."
yep. he said that.

"iyaaaaaaaaa, ureshii desuneeee"
huhuuuuu... sangat gembiraaaa...

"hontouni arigatai desuyo.
adori-san no okagede okyakusan ga bokura no seihin wo tsukattekurete.
itsumo arigatou gozaimasu."
we're so grateful to you,
thanks to adori-san customers uses our products,
thanks so much for always.

"iya iya iya,
minna ga win-win dekitara,
watashi ikura demo gambaremasu!"
no, no, no,
if everybody gets a win-win,
then i'll be working my ass off no matter how much the load!

cheh, pantang kena puji sket tros janji nak keje kuat :P

tapi,
hik hik.
hik hik hik.

me and my motivations.

time under customer training dulu,
customer datang cakap time kaseh jek pon dah gembira.
ini kan pulak bila customer bagitau supplier
yang dia takkan berubah device selagi adori-san ada.
hwahhhhh...
golek2 machikkkk...

me & mr sales walked to the station and rode the train together after that.
talked about lotsa things.

i have this perangai.
dulu time muda belia, late teens early twenties,
i'm more like wanting to show off the things i know.
gotta be better than anyone else,
can't let anybody take me for a fool kan?

but now i have this perangai:
tau pun buat2 tatau.
belakon bodoh :P

i learned over time that its like one of the eastern manners.
when a person beriya2 bercerita,
its rude la if you cut the person off
by telling the person off that you already know,
or you know more.
esp when the person you're talking to is a senior.

anddddd....
i learned over time,
that it is a way to dig out the other person's opinion,
without revealing your own.
its a good way to feel out the other person
so that you'll know how to position yourself around him/her.

its a good method of being humble too.
esp when the other person is older than you,
the other person will kinda take you under his/her wing.
everybody have something they wanna pass on or teach everybody right?
i guess, its more clever when you make it obvious that you wanna learn.
you gain info and knowledge,
and you help boost the other person's confidence.
you make the other party feel good,
and its a win-win.
and i like win-win situations, really.

so we walked, and talked,
and i got to know more about him,
his opinions on things, his experiences,
and the real stance suppliers should stand on in a business.

we got to know each other more,
and this kinda understanding between supplier & disty,
i'd like to think its a plus to the business *^-^*

one word came into mind after work that day.
my 4th year as a "society person"
(its a slang in japanese for orang bekerja,
a person who works is a person who contributes to the society
cuz well, we pay our taxes right?)
and i finally got it.
i finally got what anybody and everybody under a firm
has to have in order to have the right to belong in that firm:
"value of existence".

that you are valuable.
that it has to be you and nobody else.

now that customer said it,
and the supplier knows it,
i think i belong and Alhamdulillah,
i can safely say,
the payslip adori-san receives every end of the month,
adori-san earned.

Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Alaminnnn...!

*^-^*

but nothing comes free right?
skang adori-san takleh cuti lama2
cuz sumer orang takut kalau adori-san cuti lama2 kang customer lari :P
hwehhhhh...

and that is why,
adori-san takleh balik kajang this summer tsk tsk tsk...

Alhamdulillah,
i am working for a sincere,
hard working,
bribe free,
internal politics free firm.

Alhamdulillah,
all of us look out for one another,
and we help out one another
just as much as we straightly point out the mistakes another does,
and we share pointers.

Alhamdulillah,
we only have to do our jobs,
and when we do good we will be rightly evaluated,
and appreciated without having to be in good political terms with whoever.

for all this,
i have none other to thank but Allah.

and insyaAllah,
selagi ada orang yang appreciate adori-san,
wants adori-san in their team,
believes that if they put adori-san in position to help customers,
then customers will choose us as their main support,
adori-san will stay and enjoy the ride.
and adori-san will work hard for an all win result,
insyaAllahhhh...

*^-^*

and i marvel how true are the words that say, when you try your best, someone is bound to take you into notice. and when you show diligence and motivation, chances might just fall into your lap. no matter how you seriously thought about quitting all thru the dire process,
insyaAllah, He will see you through.
how true.

these words, they stay true.
they do.

*^-^*

2008-07-16T00:37:00.004+09:00

"Adriana"

assalamualaikum kawan2!
when i visited little leppit's (fluff)book today,
i saw one of my (fluff)friends left a message for me on the wall.

i was like...
???

an art for me? whatever could she mean??
so i went over to her (fluff)book, and saw it!
a pleasant, pleasant surprise,
in the midst of work madness,
she made me speechless and almost made me cry, tskkk!!

yesterday was the video,
and today this.

i gotta say,
someone got my back when i least expect it *^-^*
and i thank Allah for that,
for the lift of spirit,
Alhamdulilah.

*^-^*

(fluff)people,
among the sweetest and the kindest,
and the talented and the creative ones!

hyahhhh~~~
work is a drag,
tapi saya sangat gembiraaaa~~~!!!

*^-^*

hek hek,
hek hek hek!

2008-07-14T23:57:00.003+09:00

little leppit is from???

i've been around the world
hey hey!

nyahaks!

assalamualaikum kawan2!
tsk tsk! sudah baper lama tak update huh?

anyway, i have been in a cocoon called work these past months.
all work and no play, no taking pictures, no jalan2, no nothing.
yes, it has been and it still is, crazy :P

i came back grumpy today,
from yet another dateline chasing mad day at office,
but i found a message from a dear (fluff)friend with a video attached and??
she turned my day into a great one, she did! *^-^*

sangat gembiraaaaaa~~~!!
that someone would actually feature little leppit in her video, hyahhhhh~~~
shooooo shwiiiiitttt ok???

so do you have a facebook account?
do you have (fluff)friend?
if you do, then come visit little leppit! *^-^*
we'll come visit you back, insyaAllah,
we'll try our best! *^-^*

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

Hadith Qudsi 11:

On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (peace be upon him), who said: Allah (mighty and sublime be He) said:

Spend (on charity), O son of Adam, and I shall spend on you.

It was related by al-Bukhari (also by Muslim).

may we never be stingy,
may we never forget that all that the things we have are from Allah,
and we should spend it the way Allah likes it to be spent,
Aaaaaminnn~~~~ ^-^

datte datte~~~
okane nante, tenka no mawari mono ni suginai datsuuu no!

nyahah!

2008-03-08T14:55:00.002+09:00

original delicious "source"

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

me, the comm team leader, cci team leader.
we three were at lunch after the monthly audio-video-broadcast meeting
at the supplier's.

we sat down, ordered and we were fiddling with the things on the table,
when we went: aiks?

original delicious "source"???

and we had a good laugh about it.

^-^

haiyohhhh...
yappa eigo wa muzukashii ka??
ganbare nippon jin!

^-^

Hadith Qudsi #10:

On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him)
from the Prophet (peace be upon him), who said:
Allah (mighty and sublime be He) says:

Fasting is Mine and it I who give reward for it.
[A man] gives up his sexual passion, his food and his drink for my sake.

Fasting is like a shield,
and he who fasts has two joys:
a joy when he breaks his fast
and a joy when he meets his Lord.

The change in the breath of the mouth of him who fasts
is better in Allah's estimation than the smell of musk.

-related by al-Bukhari
(also by Muslim, Malik, at-Tirmidhi, an-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah).

reminder untuk edri dan juga untuk kawan2.
insyaAllah.
Amin.

assalamualaikum kawan2.

^-^

2008-02-22T17:07:00.002+09:00

on work

*this piece was written last wednesday, 20th feb.

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

i was in hon atsugi this morning
for a tel conference.

i'm in oosaki now, preparing the text and data
for tomorrow's training session i'm gonna be teaching,
while?
waiting for the linux machine to become available.
i'm supposed to do an error analysis on that machine :P

and i'm sleepy, sleepy, sleepy... ghhhh...

printer's running,
linux machine's still occupied,
think maybe i'll write about work a little bit.
well work was all that was going on in my no-life life,
so.. bear with me if you will eh? :P

every end of the year,
and every start of the year,
what can i say,
its the busiest time.
we all go crazy every time.

number of sales and profits will be totalled,
and then, compared to the master plan.

since we've been terminated by the old supplier,
and went hand-in-hand with the new one,
70% of our firm's income had to be rebuilt from zero.

hence,
things weren't reflecting good on the stock holder's eyes.
lose their confidence and we'll lose them.
without them, we'd have no money to operate,
which means total shutdown.
which means, bankruptcy.

and that's a no-no.
right?
total no-no.

it was back in nov 2005 when all that happened,
and at the end of 2007, our numbers are still red
while we promised the stock holders we'd be black by then.

*
red = loss
(minus numbers which means we're losing money and that not good)

black = profit
(plus number which means we're gaining money and that's good)

so we were still red.
unless...
see, there's a way around it,
but it would need a total undertansing and appoval from everyone.
and everyone means every single ONE of us.
even the new faces.

and?
well, we all agreed to our bonus being cut.
the higher rank you are on the ladder,
the more you'll have to contribute.
which the most tops, they lose 25%.
the lowest of us, we lose 3%.

we had a big whole firm meeting and all,
and mr ceo was careful while explaining the whys and all.

the thing about us is,
where i work,
one thing we share is, loyalty.
we're quite thick on that.
we'd do anything to save this firm.
we complain about our pay,
or our working hours,
or the organization and stuff,
but i guess deep down inside,
we all love it.

its a firm,
but its also like a school, y'know?
we all grow together here.
we look out for each other.
i know that i could earn more other places,
but i love where i'm now.
with my moody big sisters,
and take-the-lead big bros?
i can't ask for more.

so that was that.
our bonus are gonna be cut.
then came the appraisal.
y'know...
the routine session with the supervisor,
looking back on accomplishments,
and discussing on future career paths,
or plans...
and then being told about how much for bonus.

remember when i told you
that they're gonna raise my rank
and that i'm gonna get a raise?
they kept their promise,
Alhamdulillah.

and then supervisor told me about bonus.
i said, yeah i know we're gonna get less, bummer,
but its all for a greater purpose, so its ok.
i'm happy with whatever bonus i get.

she said,
yeah... i'm so sorry about that.

wha-?
her bonus is gonna get cut more than mine
and there she was, apologizing :P

so i said,
no, no, no...
hope we can make things better next time,
winky wink! ;)

we laughed and everything
and she told me about how my bonus was determined.

s.corp, bla bla bla...
help desk, bla bla bla...
won projects bla bla bla...
incoming feedback bla bla bla...
bla bla bla...
bla bla bla...

and finally,
the amount.

Trully,
Subhanallah,
Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah...

bonus cut 3%,
sales number red.
and i am still at the lowest rank.

but what they decided to give me,
equals to the last 2 bonuses i received,
combined.
tskkk!!

Subhanallah...

sesungguh2nya,
Alhamdulillahir Rabbil Alaminnnn...!!

i couldn't believe my eyes,
so i asked her again.

"but this is almost twice than what i always get?"
"it is?"
"yeah. this is after -3%??"
"yeah. well this is how much we appreciate you adori,"
said my supervisor with a smile.

i guess i had a confused face stuck on my skull,
she said, "what? adoriiiii... you should be happyyyyy...!!!"

"well, yeah, i am.. just.. hmh."

she laughed :P

lastly, i said thank you.
and she said, "let's do better next term."
and of course,
i joyfully said ok.

ayoyohhhh...
kan dahhhh... janji do better next term...
kyaaaaaa...!! pensan la machik camniiii...!!!

anyway,
so that's the story about work.

i still have it,
nak simpan buat umrah,
pegi blaja ngan mak :)
takes some time, but insyaAllah...
Aminnn...

well, one thing is for sure,
they're gonna expect more from me now on,
and that actually is not good news :P

but i think maybe i have the sweetest managers and supervisors.
and i think i like being on this team.
the application engineer team.
the s team.

:)

mail inbox dah menjerit2 mintak perhatian.
so i think maybe i'll get back to work now.

:)

2008-02-18T13:04:00.006+09:00

back

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

hyahhhhh....

assalamualaikum kawan2....
yep yep, i know.
bad, baaaaaaaaaad edri.
tskkk!!!

sorry for the long silence.

there was work,
and then there were some other personal plus alpha.
both played big roles on keeping me off blogging
and flickring,
and fotopaging.

thanks to brother swamibu from flickr
for inviting me onto facebook lah tapi.
if not, i'd be like : poof!
disappeared off the face of the planet, yikes!
:P

anyway...
i'm on facebook now.
do add me as a friend if you wish ^-^
friendster too...
flickr too...
which ever suits.
i'm every where on the net :P
bersepah2!
like i'm crazy for attention :P

aaaaaaaaaaanywayyyyyyy...
again i apologize for disappearing for quite a while there.
and thank you for the comments despite the hiatus.
thanks so much really,
you guys really make me wanna come back fast ^-^

insyaAllah,
by Allah's permission,
i will continue sharing with you the 40 Hadith Qudsi,
and insyaAllah, other islamic knowledge if He permits.
insyaAllah...

so without further delay,
these are the words of Imam Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah).
he writes:

mankind,
with regard to the performance of their prayers,
are on five levels:

The First:
this is the level of one who is negligent and wrongs his soul.
he is the one who falls short in performing wudu' properly,
performing the prayer on time and within its specified limits,
and in fulfilling its essential pillars.

The Second:
this is the level of one who guards his habit
of offering his prayers on time
and within their specified limits,
who fulfils their essential pillars and performs his wudu' with care.

however, his striving (in achieving the above)
is wasted
due to disturbances in his thoughts during prayer
that distract him and turn his attention to other preoccupations and concerns.

The Third:
this is the level of one who guards his prayers within the specified limits,
fulfils their essential pillars and strives within himself
to repel the disturbances in his thoughts and extraneous concerns.

he is busy struggling against his enemy (syaitan)
so that syaitan does not steal from the prayer.

because of this, he is engaged in (both) prayer and struggle (jihad).

The Fourth:
this is the level of one who carries out the prayer,
completing and perfecting its due rights and essential pillars,
who performs it within its specified limits
and with his heart fully engrossed in safeguarding its rights and specified limits,
so that nothing of his prayer is wasted.

his whole concern is directed towards its performance,
its completion and its perfection as it should be.

his heart is immersed in the prayer and in servitude to his Lord, the Exalted.

The Fifth:
this is the level of one who carries out the prayer like the one mentioned above.
however, on top of this, he has taken and placed his heart in front of his Lord,
looking towards Him with his heart in anticipation,
filled with his love and his might,
as if he sees and witnesses Allah.

the misgivings, thoughts and preoccupations have vanished
and the veil between him and his Lord is lifted.

the difference between this person and others
with respect to the prayer is greater
than the distance between the heavens and the earth.

this person is busy with his Lord,
delighted with Him.

the people whose performance of prayer is at the first level will be punished,
those at the second will be held to account,
those at the third will have their sins and shortcomings expiated,
those at the forth fourth will be rewarded,
and those at the fifth will be close to their Lord,
because they will receive the portion
of the one who makes his prayer the delight and pleasure of His eye.

whoever makes his prayer the delight and pleasure of his eye
will have the nearness of his Lord
make the delight and pleasure of His Eye in the Hereafter.

he will also be made a pleasure to the eye in this world,
since whoever makes Allah the pleasure of his eye in this world,
every other eye will become delighted and pleased with him.

-reference

Wallahu A'lam.

Hadith Qudsi #9:
on the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him)
from the Prophet (peace be upon him), who said:
Allah (Mighty and Sublime be He) says:

the first of his actions
for which a servant of Allah will be held accountable on the Day of Resurrection
will be his prayers.

if they are in order, then he will have prospered and succeeded:
and if they are wanting, then he will have failed and lost.

if there is something defective in his obligatory prayers,
the Lord (glorified and exalted be He) will say:
see if My servant has any supererogatory prayers with
which may be completed that which was defective in his obligatory prayers.
then the rest of his actions will be judged in likely fashion.

-related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Abu Dawud, an-Nasa'i, Ibn Majah and Ahmad).

where am i on this?
i have to admit that my prospects aren't good.
at all.

Astagfirullahal Azim.

i pray that Allah give me strength,
i pray that Allah show me the way.
Aminnn...

A'uzubillahi minasy syaitanir rajim,
Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

Rab bij'alnee muqeemas salati wa min zurriyatee
Rabbana wa taqabbal du'a,
Rabba naghfirlee wali walidayya
wa lil mu'mineena yawma yaqumul hisab.

oh Lord, make me and my children keep up prayers,
our Lord, accept our prayer,
our Lord, forgive me and my parents
and all the Believers on the Day of Judgement.

Amin, Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

i know i'm late,
but still, happy 2008,
and most importantly, happy 1429 frens.

words are cheap but insyaAllah,
i hope to make 1429 a better year.
let us all do that ek?
^-^

insyaAllah, Amin.

2007-12-07T16:20:00.000+09:00

flickr reminder

Assalamualaikum frens,
^-^

Alhamdulillah,
by His Grace and Mercy,
i have been virtually acquainted
with some of the brothers and sisters from the middle east
thru flickr.

they sometimes comment on the photos i put on,
and i comment on theirs.

my eye candies would be,
images that mirrors our deen,
and the people living according to it.

some are come and goners,
but Alhamdulillah, some visit on a regular basis,
and some became my flickr contacts.

one of those who visits regularly,
would be mervece from istanbul, turkey.

mervece commented on one of my photos some time ago,
shortly after ramadhan ended.

the subject:

and our short conversation went like this:

time literally stopped for a moment there when i read it.
tskkk!!!

ramadhan 1428 had just ended,
and mervece was already getting ready for the next one.

and i?
i was jumping on a green field somewhere on the island :P

i was sad when the blessed month passed,
but am i getting ready for the next one?
the answer would be : negative.

it was like a wake up pat on the back.
and i thank mervece for it.

i should be getting ready too.

i want to,
and i will put effort and try.

i gotta be firm and steadfast
on not to be overpowered by the cursed one,
and my own weaknesses for that fact.

i will try,
and insyaAllah,
i'll be ready by ramadhan 1429.

insyaAllah,
Amin.

one last thing,
i'd like to ask a favor from you,
to offer a doa after your solahs for a friend of mine,
whose 6 months baby is being hospitalized,
due to trauma on the head.
the baby fell while in the care of the baby sitter.

may that Allah eases their pain,
and grant them strength to go thru this.

Amin, Amin, Ya Rabbal Alamin.

2007-11-29T14:04:00.001+09:00

undeniable Mercy

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

Hadith Qudsi #8:
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him)
from the Prophet (PBUH), who said:

A prayer performed by someone
who has not recited the Essence of the Quran (1) during it
is deficient (and he repeated the word three times),
incomplete.

Someone said to Abu Hurayrah:
[Even though] we are behind the imam? (2)
He said:
Recite it to yourself,
for I have heard the Prophet (may the blessings and peace of Allah be up on him) say:
Allah (Mighty and Sublime be He), had said:
I have divided prayer between Myself and My servant into two halves,
and My servant shall have what he has asked for.

When the servant says:
Al-hamdu lillahi rabbi l-alamin
(Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds),
Allah (Mighty and Sublime be He) says:
My servant has praised Me.

And when he says:
Ar-rahmani r-rahim
(The Merciful, the Compassionate),
Allah (Mighty and Sublime be He) says:
My servant has extolled Me,

and when he says:
Maliki yawmi d-din
(Master of the Day of Judgement),
Allah says:
My servant has glorified Me
- and on one occasion He said:
My servant has submitted to My power.

And when he says: Iyyaka na budu wa iyyaka nasta in
(It is You we worship and it is You we ask for help),
He says:
This is between Me and My servant,
and My servant shall have what he has asked for.

And when he says:
Ihdina s-sirata l- mustaqim,
siratal ladhina an amta alayhim
ghayril-maghdubi alayhim wa la d-dallin
(Guide us to the straight path,
the path of those upon whom You have bestowed favors,
not of those against whom You are angry, nor of those who are astray),
He says:
This is for My servant,
and My servant shall have what he has asked for.

(1) Surat al-Fatihah, the first surah (chapter) of the Qur'an.

(2) i.e. standing behind the imam (leader) listening to him reciting al-Fatihah.

-related by Muslim (also by Malik, at-Tirmidhi, Abu-Dawud, an-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah.

Allah (Mighty and Sublime be He), had said:
I have divided prayer between Myself and My servant into two halves,
and My servant shall have what he has asked for.

as i was reading this,
it dawned on me,
Mercy that we humans are incapable of,
Mercy we couldn't even start to think of,
He gives us.

Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala,
Glorified and Exalted is He.
Mighty and Sublime that He is,
He has no needs.
The Creator of All,
He is Self Sufficient.

what we do or dont do, have no effect on Him.
and the acts He has commanded that we carry out,
He does not need them.

it is His Mercy,
they're for us.
they benefit us.

Allah does not need us,
Islam does not need us.

it is we, who is in need of Allah,
and we are the ones who needs Islam.

assalamualaikum kawan2
^-^

last friday was a public holiday :
the labor day.

and Alhamdulillah,
with the day off from work,
and with the kind invitation from alang and her husband azam,
good friends of mine from the jmc years,
Allah has eased up for me the way,
and given me a chance to visit the jamii mosque in yoyogi uehara for the first time.

i have always wanted to visit the place for some time now,
but what can i say, its no excuse,
it is my weakness and syaitan had always won.
either i was using my weekend for sleep, or play,
result was, i kept putting it off.
until last friday that is,
Alhamdulillah...
^-^

the mosque was beautiful!
the outside of the building,
the stairs, the walls, the minaret,
they were all marbled.

even the chandelier in the praying hall looked marbled!
and i just love the intricate details of the calligraphy on the stained glass,
the tiny lamps of the chandelier,
and how the sun's penetration seemed to be calculated
as it shined beautifully on the calligraphed wall in the hall.

the dome was beautifully calligraphed too.
other than the name Allah SWT,
and Muhammad SAW,
the names of our respected leaders:
Abu Bakar, Umar, Ali...
were beautiful in calligraphy up beneath the dome.

it was the first time for me, ever in my life,
to attend solat jumaat.

while it is wajib for the men,
i forgot that the rukun is sunat for the girls,
and i was all set up for zuhur and totally forgot that it was 2 rakaat,
hyahhh!!!!
after the salam only do i realized that, so mang hai laaaaa...
kelam kelibut machik!

Astaghfirullah Al Azim!!!
apa nak jadi nih?

well that's the shameful truth,
about how little my knowledge is.
things i have learned but forgotten.
tsk tsk!

Astaghfirullah Al Azim.
Astaghfirullah Al Azim.
Astaghfirullah Al Azimmmm!!!!

but it was really a wonderful experience.
when the whole men's jemaah said the word "Amin" after Al-Fatihah,
it gave me this thrill and i was so moved, i almost cried.

and it was wonderful to see the place crowded with people.
people of all various nationalities,
speaking various tongues.
it came as a renewed realization to me,
that islam is universal.

different backgrounds or color of skin,
but we are brothers and sisters,
worshipping One God,
under One Faith,
searching for the One Light.

totally moved me.

and it was wonderful to see the sisters with their own style of hijabs ^-^
and how we smile whenever our eyes met!
like we're all just one big family!
and we really are actually, one big family,
one ummah.
^-^

some of the sisters stopped and held out her hand as she greeted me Assalamualaikum.
i accepted their hands and greet them Waalaikumsalam.
^-^

i listened to the khutbah,
and the turkish imam talked about Surah Al Ikhlas,
the tauhid of the surah.
That Allah is One,
The One.

that He does not need,
and we do,
need Him.

^-^

he spoke about it in 3 different languages:
1st in japanese, then arabic, and finally in english.

^-^

after solat, they held an islamic class open for the non muslims to join.
there were a few of them who came for a peek.
i hope they bring back some thing good they can accept.
^-^

the experience was totally new to me,
and it was totally wonderful.

^-^

there was an islamic bazaar held that day,
and these were our lunch,
chicken curry rice!

we also had padthai, and tom yam soup too!
yummies!
^-^

it was a wonderful day, last friday.
and i am totally hooked!
i'm gonna try and make it an effort to visit it more.
on weekends maybe.
i should.

to find refuge,
and find myself,
and find Him.

insyaAllah.

they say that iman rises and falls like the tide,
to change in a split second, faster than boiling water,
they say that its the nature of the human heart.

they say, what matters more,
is how we strive through it when it falls.

Rasulullah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
"Faith wears out in the heart of any one of you as clothes wear out,
so ask Allah to renew the faith in your hearts."

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

Ya Allah,
we ask You
by Your beautiful Names and Sublime Attributes
to renew the faith in our hearts.

Ya Allah,
make faith appear beautiful to us
and adorn our hearts with it,
and make kufr, sin and disobedience abhorrent to us.

Make us of those who are rightly guided.
Glorified be the Lord of Might
above what they ascribe to Him.

Peace be upon the Messengers and praise be to Allah,
the Lord of the Worlds.

Amin, Amin Ya Rabbal Al Amin.

2007-11-27T13:17:00.000+09:00

secret revealed

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.
Assalamualaikum kawan2
:)

i called mak last week,
and she said that she had majlis doa selamat held the other day.
now that the word is out,
i guess i can now tell you about the thing
that kept me down and blue recently.

i've been calling my mom alot these past few months.
as much as twice a week,
but Alhamdulillah,
mom said she's ok now,
so now the frequency of calling have dropped to once in a few weeks.

seriously,
i honestly do not know what in the world,
is wrong with the men in my immediate family.
you guys already know about the issue between me and my dad,
so, what other men am i talking about?

the only other one.

i'm talking about ahmad hakim.
yes, that brother of mine, ahmad hakim.

at the starting of ramadhan,
ahmad hakim moved out of the house after a feud with mom,
making himself unable to be reached for a month.

when he finally reappeared,
he broke it up with his old gf
and got married to his current wife the very next day.
i didn't even knew her name.
nor have i ever met her.

word was, that they had majlis and all that.
word was, purple was the theme color.
golly huh?
i bet.

well, me and mom,
the uninvited,
uninformed ones,
only knew about it long after all that happened.

sounds like dejavu?
like father like son.
there's actually truth to the old proverbs i gotta say.

i have written before,
that whatever dreams he wants realized, i'll support.
i meant that.
but not this way.
not this selfish, unmannered way.

if i was a stranger,
i'd be wondering what kind of family did he come from.
what kind of up bringing he had.
but i'm his sister, and his parents are my parents too.

well, if you say that i come from a dysfunctional family,
then bravo, you've got me cheering you cuz,
you're right.

if you think maybe i'm dysfunctional too,
well, i'll be congratulating you cuz,
i think you got that right too.

am i angry?
i'm not sure, really.
i'm not sure if i should be.
i'm not sure if i have the right to be.
he never needed my permission for anything.
i never insisted and he'd already prove that.

what's done is done.
he's got a wife.
congratulations.
end of story.

we all know that marriage is sunnah.
that marriage is Mercy from Allah.

but if the marriage was built on your mother's saddened tears,
would Allah give you Mercy?
i don't know, only Allah knows.

if the marriage was built by lying to your parents,
and then her parents, will Allah grant Barakah?
i don't know, only Allah knows.

i do not know anything and i won't pretend that i do.
it'd be easier if every thing is pure black or pure white,
all things taken into account,
fact is some things aren't.

some things aren't easy to swallow and just smile about it.

i'm used to rejections, or being unimportant,
this being the 2nd serving of unrequited surprise i'm made to swallow,
i assure you, that i'm a veteran at being treated like a stranger in my own family.

i don't know,
maybe i'm just numb now.
maybe i just don't care anymore.

an adult at 26,
he should be able to think and take responsibilities for his actions.
he should.
he's a husband now.

me,
i hope Allah shows me the way.

she used to cry every time i called
but Alhamdulillah,
mom says she's ok now.
that is all that matters.
she's all i have now in this world.

you know,
i thought i did,
but i guess i'm just a bird without a nest.

a stranger in my own family,
i guess home, wasn't exactly meant for me.

where i came from,
i guess it was just meant to be a starting point,
not a place to come back to.
i left at 13.
i'm now 28.

15 years later and i guess its just too late.

i don't know.
i'll leave it up to God.

Allah The Most Gracious,
Most Merciful.

The Most Knowledgable,
The Most Just.

Indeed,
Allah knows best.
and only in Allah do i trust.
i'll take this as a lesson to be learned,
a task, a trial to try.

the rest,
i'll leave it up to Him.

the world is afterall,
nothing but a quick passing enjoyment.
i shouldn't be attached to this world so much.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings):
"And know that your possessions and children are but a trial
and that surely with Allaah is a mighty reward."
[al-Anfaal 8:28]

and,

"Beautified for men is the love of things they covet:
women, children, much of gold and silver (wealth),
branded beautiful horses, cattle and well-tilled land.
This is the pleasure of the present world's life,
but Allaah has the excellent return (Paradise)."
[Al 'Imraan 3:14].

The meaning of these aayat is that if the love of these things,
especially women and children,
is given precedence over obedience to Allaah and His Messenger,
then it is regarded as being bad,
but if the love of these things is within the bounds of sharee'ah,
it helps a man to obey Allaah and in this case it is praiseworthy.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"In this world, women and good scents have been made dear to me,
but dearest of all to me is prayer."
(Reported by Ahmad, 3/128; Saheeh al-Jaami', 3124).

Many men follow their wives in doing haraam deeds,
and allow their children to distract them from worshipping Allaah.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"Children are the cause of grief, cowardice, ignorance and miserliness."
(Reported by al-Tabaraani in al-Kabeer, 24/241; Saheeh al-Jaami', 1990).

When he said that they are the cause of miserliness,
he meant that if a man wants to spend for the sake of Allaah,
the Shaytaan reminds him of his children, so he thinks,
"My children deserve the money,
I will leave it for them when I die,"
so he is miserly in the sense
that he refrains from spending it for the sake of Allaah.

When he said that children are the cause of cowardliness,
he meant that when a man wants to fight in jihaad for the sake of Allaah,
the Shaytaan comes to him and says,
"You will be killed and will die,
and your children will become orphans, lost and alone,"
so he stays home and does not go out for jihaad.

When he said that children are the cause of ignorance,
he meant that they distract a father from seeking knowledge
and trying to acquire learning by attending gatherings and reading books.

When he said that children are the cause of grief,
he meant that when a child gets sick, the parent feels grief;
if the child asks for something that the father cannot provide,
this grieves the father;
and if the child grows up and rebels against his father,
this is a cause of ongoing grief and distress.

This is not to say that one should forego marrying and having children;
what is meant is that one should beware of becoming preoccupied with them
and letting that lead one to commit haraam deeds.

Concerning the temptation of wealth,
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"Every nation has its fitnah (trial or temptation),
and the fitnah of my ummah is wealth."
(Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2336; Saheeh al-Jaami', 2148).

Eagerness to acquire wealth is more damaging to a person's religion
than the wolf who attacks the sheepfold.
This is what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
meant when he said:
"Two hungry wolves sent against the sheep do not do more damage to them
than a man's eagerness for wealth and standing does to his religion."
(Reported by al-Tirmidhi, no. 2376; Saheeh al-Jaami', 5620).

For this reason the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
urged Muslims to take just what is sufficient,
without hoping for more,
which could distract him from remembering Allaah.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
issued a warning to those who want to accumulate wealth,
except for those who give in charity:
"Woe to those who want to accumulate wealth,
except for the one who says with his wealth,
'Here! Here! Here!' (i.e., giving it away)
to one on his right,
one on his left,
one in front of him and one behind him,"
(reported by Ibn Maajah, no. 4129; Saheeh al-Jaami', 7137)
- meaning all forms of charity.

reference:
Do'ful Eemaan
Weakness of Faith
Book by Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

i was talking to mak the other day,
and she said Alhamdulillah,
that Allah tests us this way.
its easier to be reminded when tried with sadness.
because we tend to forget when tried with wealth and leisure.

i find it true.
i find it so, so true.

i just hope He gives me strength.
i hope He shows me the way.
i really do hope i find the way.

Amin, Amin Ya Rabbal Al Amin.

2007-11-22T11:05:00.000+09:00

sharing the bed

Subhanallah!
what beautiful autumn blue sky it is today!
y'know, Allah has this whole galore of intricate shades of skies,
but i gotta say, crispy blue autumn sky is my favourite.
the air is so crispy it makes the sky so blue,
so so blue, you'd think blue couldn't get anymore bluer!
^-^

autumn sky, simply the best!
and the winter sky and the spring sky,
they're beautiful too!
^-^

anyway,
assalamualaikum kawan2 ^-^
it was nice autumn cool air and sunshine warmth last week,
and then over the weekend, the temperature dropped so suddenly.
thursday was around 20 degree celcius,
and friday noon? it was 13.
kyaaaaa!!!!
chejuk chejuk chejuk!!!!
brrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

its official now
that the cripsy cold winter air from the big land of china had come to stay.
the snow falls 50cm high on average at the northern part of the island,
while tokyo is standing between autumn and winter.

it takes a little bit to get adjusted to the sudden drop of mercury,
but with the cold flow of air, them maple and ginko leaves here
they're finally shading red and golden colors.
the panorama?
The Grace of Allah,
magnificent grandeur!
^-^

i havent been snapping any photos lately,
so this weekend, i'm thinking about visiting them trees as they go to sleep.
^-^

anyway, back to things at home,
mr mott (remember mr mott?) has his own house,
which i place by the foot of my bed, on the floor.

as i was snuggling with mr mott last weekend,
i noticed his little feet were as cold as ice as he padded along my arm.
that poor little guy!

i just couldn't find the heart to make him stay in his house
on the cold floor all day while i go to work,
tsk tsk tsk...

i mean, even i can't stand it when my hands and feet goes cold in the winter,
and he's so tiny, i can't make him put up with that right?

so i thought, i'd let him nest on the bed,
on the warm electric blanket cuz afterall,
me and my pets, i don't usually keep them caged.
i mean, how would i feel if i was caged?
i don't think i'd like that, bleargh!

i used to have 5 cats as pets the first and second year i was here,
and i used to let them run around the neighborhood of course.

and with the little ferrets,
while the standard way of keeping them was to keep them caged,
boboi and lulu owned the house.
toilet trained ferrets, who would've figured? ^-^
smart kids huh? ^-^

to my surprise,
mr mott didn't need much toilet training too!
you see, mr mott doesn't like his place dirty,
so on the fluffy rug i spread for him,
he decided this one little corner as his toilet.
i spread a pet toilet sheet there and wallah!
easy cleaning!
no fuss, no trouble at all!
^-^

interesting is,
how he only does his business there,
and no where else ^-^

it was the same with the ferrets,
so i guess, these little furry animals,
they like it clean.
ain't that great?
^-^

one thing i found out about mr mott,
is that he sings too.
sometimes we'd watch tv,
and there'd be this background music
with the high pitched strumming of japanese koto or syamisen,
and every time the instruments gets strummed,
he'd go high pitch "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...!!"
every - single - time!

hyaaahhhh!!!!
i just love the little guy ^-^

anyway,
the scientific name for molmot is Cavia Porcellus,
or Cavy for short.
the japanese calls it "morumotto",
so i assumed that its molmot in english,
only to find that the name generated from the name "Marmot",
as of the members of the genus Marmota,
in the rodent family Sciuridae (squirrels).
well they say that Marmots are generally large ground squirrels.

so that's the scientific explanation from where mr mott came from,
only mr mott is much more cuddlier, and tinier compared to his ancestors.

he's an Abyssinian guinea pig,
so compared to the usual guinea pigs who have short coat of hair,
his is a little bit longer,
and a little bit tak terurus ekekeke...
why?
because dia ada banyak pusar kat badan dia.
so many pusar that the direction of the hair goes everywhere.
he got a mohican thing going on his little head too.
huhuuuu... punkish!

or, you can imagine a big size hamster.
with longer, ruffled hair.

so that's it about mr mott,
he used to be sooooooooooooo timid,
and soooooooooo paranoid,
he'd protest every time i'd pick him up.
but now?
he goes :
"uiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkk! uiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkk!!! uiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkk!!!!"
with all excitement when i step into the house from work,
he darts around the bed wanting to play,
and the one thing that just melts my heart is?
when he'd come running to sit on my lap,
and looks up at me as if saying,
is it ok if i sit here?
i know it could be my mind playing tricks on me,
but i'm playing along with the tricks.
alaaaaaahaiiiiiii....
of course its okay dearrrrrrrrrrrrr........
^-^

me and mr mott,
we share the bed now.
^-^

anyway, all this is Grace from Allah.
and i am grateful.

what ever Allah puts in my way,
what ever joy,
what ever tasks, what ever trials,
it is His Mercy,
and i am grateful to Him.
^-^

Alhamdulillah,
Alhamdulillah,
Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Al Amin...
^-^

p/s:
what's with fotopages eh?
i haven't been able to upload anything lately. tskk!!

2007-11-12T17:47:00.000+09:00

encik estes

Assalamualaikum kawan2 :)

you know?
Alhamdulillaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh...
last week, like the weeks before,
was another roller coaster ride,
but today?

today i had the luxury to read :)

have any of you ever heard of sheikh yusuf estes?
i've been reading his articles for quite some time now,
and i think, he is trully an amazing man!

Yusuf Estes, PhD. (born 1944)
is an American convert to Islam
and Chairman of "the Muslim Foundation International",
which is an Islamic Promotional and Missionary Organization
dedicated to spreading the message of Islam
according to the Quran & Sunnah.

He was brought up in a Protestant Christian family;
members of the Disciples of Christ.

From 1962 until 1990,
he had a varied career as a music minister, preacher,
and the owner of Estes Piano and Organ Company.

In 1991,
Estes had business dealings with an Egyptian Muslim called Muhammad.
He learned about the religion firsthand
and converted to Islam the same year
along with his wife, father, and step mother.
He has since pursued Arabic language
and Quranic studies in Egypt, Morocco and Turkey.

As of 2006,
Yusuf Estes has been regularly appearing on Peace TV,
which is a 24/7 Islamic channel
that is broadcasted to many countries around the globe.

-wikipedia

isn't he just amazing?
so amazing i wanna be his wife!
nolaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh...
nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh!
got you going didn't i? ;)

kalau dimurahkan rezeki,
mintak ditemukan jodoh dengan orang yang macam sheikh yusuf estes...
beriman... berilmu...
insyaAllahhhh...
Aaaaminnnnnnn!!!!!

anyway, he gave me hints about where to go
and what to do within the next few years of my life.
not personally la, i have never written to him meh!
nope, not like that,
but in the sense that he had left foot steps
that i think i'd like to step on and follow :)
insyaAllahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Aminnnnnn!!!!
Amin Amin Amin Ya Rabbal Al Amin!!!!
(desperate ok?)

well, today i was reading his recent article,
it was very informative i thought i'd wanna share.
so, here goes!

semoga kita beroleh ilmu dan peringatan insyaAllah.....

~*~

Why are we here on this earth? Does God love it?
Written by Yusuf Estes
Friday, 09 November 2007

A Christian Asks About Salvation:
Question:

Dear Sheik Yusuf,

You answered me
that Allah would never punish somebody for somebody else's wrong.

I agree with that:
God is just, no doubts about that.

However,
if I understand well your answer,
you indicate that the crucifixion of Jesus
can not be in concordance with Divine Justice,
because God will never punish an innocent for the sins of somebody else.

Yet let me ask you someting:
when somebody's child does something wrong,
aren't the parents in great grief,
because they love the child?

Suppose the parents are righteous people
and they teach the child the right path,
yet the child goes astray somehow.
Is there the fault of the parents?

I do not think so.
So why do they suffer?

I think that they suffer for the child,
because thay love him.
In Christianity, I have been told that the Lord loves His creation.
I do not know if you agree with me on this point.
I know that the Coran states that Allah is Merciful and Mercy-Giving,
yet I do not know whether He loves the creation.

Yet if God loves the people of this world,
even when they turn their back to Him,
then God may suffer too
(if you allow this unsuccessful comparison
- will suffer as a parent suffers when the children turn away).
Therefore I would reply to you that indeed,
God would never punish somebody for somebody else's wrong,
yet we can make God 'suffer' by our disbelief and our actions.

While Divine Justice ensures
that nobody will be punished for somebody else's actions,
the Lord can be afflicted by our sins.

~*~

Answer(s):
Bismillah Rahman Raheem.
Al Hamdulilah Rabbil Alameen was salat was Salam ala rasool al Kareem.
Maa ba'ad.
Allah 'Alim.

Allah has all Knowledge.
Thank you for your question.

Bismillah Rahman Raheem

Greetings:

OK. First you are correct.
You understood exactly what I said.
But the argument that you are bringing
is not in keeping with the teachings of the Bible.

The Bible states:
"Spare the rod and you spoil the child."

Do you see that God Almighty has instructed the followers of Moses and the Jews
to use the stick to punish the children.

It is clear from the many examples given in the Bible
that Almighty God has no problem in punishing the wicked and evil doers.
I fail to see why anyone who reads the Bible
could overlook such an important teaching.

As regards whether or not Almighty God loves His creation,
the answer is "No."

This is clear from the teachings in the Old Testament and in the Quran.
It is only in the New Testament that you find things like,
"For God so loved the world..."

In fact,
if He loved it,
He would not allow many things to happen as He does.
This place,
our universe and in particular, our planet
are all a part of the great creation of Almighty God to do what?
What is it that Almighty God is doing with us every day?
It is the same thing that He has been doing with all of the humans since the beginning.
What is it?

He also does not "suffer"
as a result of our shortcomings and evil.
He is never effected by His Creation.
This is preposterous.
He is far above and beyond these human failings.
He is God.
The real One and Only God.

And we do not compare Almighty God to anything that He created,
for He is Glorified far above what they are trying to attribute to Him.

You tried to bring in a story of parents and their children.
God is not a Father, nor our we His "children."
The correct word or more appropriate meaning of the word "son" in this case
would be "servant" or perhaps "worshipper", not "son" or "daughter" or "child."
You can verify this is the dictionary of Strong's Concordance, by the way.
I did.

Even in the case of the parents that you mentioned,
have you ever heard of parents who beat themselves or some innocent child
because they loved their child so much and did not want to punish him?
That is sick.
And you are not talking here about beating or hitting;
you are talking about murder.

Think of Adam, peace be upon him.
He was in the Paradise.
His wife was there with him.
They were told
that they could eat of anything there in the Paradise.
And they did.

But they were also told not to eat of a specific fruit.
Did they do it?

Yes.

Why?

Because they had to in order for everything to be like it is.

Let me clarify for you.
Almighty God always is under complete and total control.
There is never a time when He is asleep
or not paying attention to all that He has created.
So He knows in advance everything that is going to happen
and all of this that we call the universe
and everything in it is under His control.

He did not have to put the fruit in there with Adam, peace be upon him, right?

He did not have to let the devil tempt them, right?

He did not have to kick them out of the Paradise as He did, right?

Of course.

So, why in fact, did Almighty God create everything?

It is for us.

It is a test.

Adam passed his test.

Eve passed her test.

How?

They were created to be human, not gods.
So naturally, they are like you and I in the fact that they are weak
and they do things that are wrong and even sinful.

Do you acknowledge that all of us are sinners?
I do.

So how is it that I say that Adam and Eve PASSED their test?

After all, they ate from the fruit of the forbidden tree.
That was bad. Right?

They did it.

What the Bible has lost is the true moral to the story.
Others came along later
and began to try to make a totally different meaning out it,
even blaming Eve for the first sin and for influencing Adam to do the same.

And then suddenly she is going to be punished
with the affliction of menstrual periods and child birth
and all of this is her punishment.

Adam, according to the Biblical account
is tossed out of the Paradise because of this sin,
along with Eve.

According to Islam, the story is pretty close,
but for the true moral understanding and teachings.

All along Almighty God was going to put them out of the Paradise
into the earth so that they could be tested.

The real test was not whether or not they would eat the fruit.
The real test is what would they do after they ate the fruit.

Repentance is the word that we are looking for here.
After Adam and Eve were put out of the Paradise (near the Holy Land),
Adam went one way and Eve wound up going some other way.
They did not see each other for a while.

Adam, peace be upon him,
repented and placed his head down on the ground
on a place that became a historic land mark from that time forward.
Do you know where that is?

Bakkah.

Today it is called Makkah,
and it is in the Arabian Peninsula.

Adam put his head down on the ground
and prayed to Almighty God to forgive him
for he realized that he had really done more than eat forbidden fruit.
The fact is that he had disobeyed Almighty God and that is the worst thing.
He knew now that he had to do something for what he had done.
So, he prostrated to Almighty God.

God accepted from him.

The story of Eve is the same.
She disobeyed and she also repented to Almighty God.

Almighty God accepted her repentance as well.

Then Adam and Eve met each other
in a place that is near Bakkah (Makkah in Saudi Arabia) called Arafat.

From the Islamic perspective,
we are all here on this earth as a test.
This is not our Paradise
and it is far more like a prison
where we must be careful of what we say and do
for everything will have its consequences.

Almighty God tells us
that He has only created us to worship, praise and devote ourselves to Him
and to do so without making any partners with Him in devotion or worship.
Those who make sins are to repent to Him
and to seek for His Forgiveness
and to ask for His Mercy.

And He says
that He does not forgive setting up partners with Him in worship
(the First Commandment)
but anything less than that He can forgive.

Over all picture:

Allah created the heavens and earth
and all that is in the universe only to test us
(although He already knows what the outcome will be, before He even created us.)

The test is not for Him.

It is a test for us.

He will deal with what we have done on the Day of Judgment.
There can be no second opinion on this one.
Each and every person will see anything that he has done that is good,
even an atom's weight of good
and the same for doing even an atom's weight of bad,
we will all see it then.

All the prophets, peace be upon them,
taught the same message:
"Worship God alone without any partners."

But people are weak, very weak.
So before long they will begin to worship something else,
unless you really keep them focused on Almighty God
and don't let them stray away.

Reference the story of the followers of Moses, peace be upon him,
when he was up in the mountain receiving the tablets from Almighty God,
what happened?

They built a calf out of their gold and then began to worship it.
This is why they had to wonder for 40 years in the wilderness,
for the crime of worshipping other than the Almighty God.

The New Testament says
that Jesus went to a tree to get some fruit to eat from it,
but he found it barren and without fruit, so he cursed the tree.
Does this sound like Almighty God to you?
God has to eat?
God doesn't know which trees have fruit and which ones don't?
God gets angry at the tree?
God curses the tree?
And you said that
"God so loved the world..." (except for certain trees).

And at Gethsemene
when the Roman soldiers and the Rabbis from the San Hedrin came
and tried to capture them and fighting broke out
and they actually cut off the ear of one of the servants of a leader.
These were Jews from the Jewish faith at that time.

Wouldn't it be a bit hypocritical to blame and punish certain people
and then claim that you can't punish people
because you just "love them too much"?

Finally,
now let us go back to the story
of the person who really did go to the cross.
The one who "looked like" Jesus.

There is a name that is in the Arabic and Aramaic language
that is pronounced "tau-aam."

When it was taken into the Koine Greek (after Jesus time)
and later on into the Latin, that became known as "Thomas."
This word means "twin" or "look alike."
(You can look this up in a name dictionary - that is how I learned it).

The name of the one who sold Jesus out for thirty pieces of silver was what?
- Judas Iscariot.
Right?

Did you know that he had a nickname?
I have a book of apocrypha
that mentions his full name with the nickname in it.
Can you guess what it was?

Judas THOMAS Iscariot.

What is the big deal?
That shows you that he "looked like" someone.
Who do you think he looked like?

Remember,
he told the Romans
that he would go to the one that was Jesus
and kiss him to indicate to them who he was.

When this took place what happened next?
The ground trembled and shook
and the curtain on the temple was torn in two
and everyone fell down on the ground.

When they got up,
they grabbed the one that they thought was "Jesus"
and took him in custody.

When they asked him questions,
he was no longer able to give the kinds of answers that they were used to hearing from him and when they asked who he was, he would answer by saying, "That is what you say about me."

For sure,
God Almighty is Just,
Fair and Merciful.

He would never punish anyone for the sins of another;
especially someone who loved Almighty God so much,
and had prayed in tears and sweat to
"Let this cup pass from me. Even so, Thy will be done."

And finally,
what are the words that come from the mouth of the one on the cross
just as he is dying?

"Eli! Eli! Lama sabach thani?"

The translation is put in brackets for us to see for ourselves.

(My God! My God! Why has Thou forsaken me?)

This is outright blasphemy.
Who could say such a thing?
This person is not happy with the "plan of salvation" that everyone is so quick to jump on and hope it works. This person is distraught with his condition and he is blaming his God.

Now consider this again;
if Jesus, peace be upon him,
went to the Garden of Gethsemene with his companions
and posted them to be on the lookout
so that he could pray and beg Almighty God
to let this thing pass from him,
but Almighty God would not accept his prayers,
would not spare him this humiliation and torture and even death;
then what hope would we have in front of God on the Day of Judgment?

If God Almighty loves the earth as much as you say,
and He loves us so much, and He loved Jesus so much,
then what difference does it make to Him which one of the things that He loves so much,
that He is willing to destroy one of them for the other?

The whole idea is bizarre.

The Justice and Mercy of Almighty God
are very much served in the version of the cross mentioned in the Quran.
Someone who "looked like him" (the hipocrite, Judas Thomas Iscariot)
goes to the cross instead.

Didn't the Bible mention that he was "hanged on a tree?"
(It also contradicts that statement in another gospel,
saying that he fell off a cliff and burst into flames).

I agree with you in all that you said.
God is Merciful.
God is Just.
God is Fair.
These are the very attributes that He names Himself with in the Quran.
And He is the LOVING GOD.
That is in the Quran.
But He clearly tells us what it is that He Loves
and what it is that He hates.
And He does hate that anyone set up anything
or anyone in partnership with Him in worship.

That is the first commandment in the Old Testament
and it is the same in the New Testament.

Read Mark 12:28-30
28
And one of the scribes came,
and having heard them reasoning together,
and perceiving that he had answered them well,
asked him, Which is the first commandment of all?

29
And Jesus answered him,
The first of all the commandments is,
Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:

30
And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart,
and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,
and with all thy strength:
this is the first commandment.

This is the exact meaning of the "Shahadah"
or testimony of faith in Islam:

"There is no god worthy of any devotion or worship,
except the One True God Almighty."

Let us now come to the final conclusion to this matter
and discover what makes this such a popular notion with people.

All of us are sinners and we all agree to that.
All of us know that we are unworthy to inherit the Kingdom of God,
that is in Islam as well.

The prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him,
also taught the very same concept as did Jesus, peace be upon him.
He told his companions
that none would enter into the Paradise
except by the Grace of Almighty God.
He was preaching the message of salvation by Grace.

They asked him, "Even you, O messenger of God?"

He said, "Yes. Even me."

What is the Grace and how do we get it?

By knowing that there really is only One God
and that He alone
is worthy of all of our devotion,
love, praise and thanks.

And by repenting to Him
and saying that we are truly sorry for what we have done
and then making sacrifices for His sake
and obeying Him
even if it means that we might not get to do our own will,
but rather we are doing His Will instead.

But the method for salvation in Islam
(repentance and obedience and sacrifice)
is not acceptable to most of the people.
They much prefer a short cut.
Anything.

As long as they can continue to do the things that they want to do
and then feel like that somehow they are going to be automatically
and completely forgiven,
then that is good enough.

Now I'm going to say something strange to you,
I'm going to tell you to go back and read your Bible.
Really.

But this time, pray to God (direct, not to Jesus)
and ask Him to open your heart and your mind
to His Words in that Book.
Some of it is still there,
even though many have tried to change and corrupt it.
Go back and read it again.
But when you see something
that is definitely contradictory to the teachings of the Old Testament
and absolutely against any common sense,
leave that part out of your formula.

If you want to have some idea of what the Quran has in it,
you are welcome to write to me
and I'll arrange for one to be delivered to you.
It might be that you already have one
and maybe you would like to look in it for some ideas.
It is up to you.
The whole story of your life and your walk with God,
is all up to you.
We have nothing for sale here.

If you come to Islam,
there is no promise of anything
other than a chance to try
to be one who worships Almighty God without any partners.
If you are successful in that,
then He will reward you and forgive your sins
and grant you His Paradise.
But it is all up to Him in the final analysis.

In closing I would like to mention a few points:

Islam is wide open and you are free to ask any questions that you like.
You do not have to accept the statement,
"Just believe. It is a matter of faith. Don't question."

Islam has proofs to back up its statements.
The Quran and teachings of Muhammad, peace be upon him,
are all preserved in tact and in the memories of over 9 million people.
The proofs are available to everyone.

There is no clergy in Islam or any hierarchy to deal with.
We are all the same in front of Allah.

Faith works side by side with proof
so that your mind and heart are never at odds with each other.

Nobody has the right to hear your confessions of sins and mistakes,
except Almighty God.
And only He can forgive them.

No human can guarantee that someone will enter Paradise or Hell.

No one can make up some worship for himself or for others
and then expect that Almighty God has to accept that from them.

There is no compulsion in Islam.
If you want to worship God on His terms,
then you are welcome as a brother in faith.
If not, that is your choice.

No one can carry the burden of another's sins or guilt.
None shall be asked (much less punished) about the sins of another.
Every atom's weight of good and every atom's weight of evil is recorded.

Any good is from Allah & the mistakes were from myself.
Please pray for me and ask Allah to Forgive me.
May Allah guide all of us to His Truth, ameen.

Salam alaykum
- Yusuf Estes
(source)

Aminnnnn....
:)

2007-11-02T19:38:00.000+09:00

since eid

hari berkat hari jumaat.

i'm still here at customer's site,
and its already dark outside.
hwehhhh...
hm hm.

assalamualaikum kawan2.

i'm repeating myself i know,
but here i am,
friday night,
out of breath,
at customer's site,
the SCorp.

its after working hours and from the looks of it,
its gonna be a long night before i'd get to get myself home.
oh well.

i could use a break i thought,
and here i am.
alone.
cuz everyone else,
they got something better to do than customer support.
yeah righttttt...
we ALL know that is NOT true :P

anyway,
i have been slumped under workload since a week before eid.
and it doesn't look like the tide's gonna subside anytime soon.
and everyday is just another roller coaster ride.
urgh.

and i'm tired.
i'm tired tired tired tired tired.

ok, its nice when people trust you,
it is.

and its nice when they write off at the end of a business mail
personal gratitude for your support.
all the good stuffs compared to this people or that people.
its nice, it is, i'll give you that.

but i'm sorry...
its not that i don't appreciate it...
i'm just tired.
i'm tired tired tired tired tired,
ok?

i did what you wanted me to do.
i dug all of the grounds for the info you wanted.
i even ran the sample design 12 different ways of options.
that and i did the analysis on all their results.
and i even concluded them for your better understanding in documents.
when i explained to you, it was a relief you seemed impressed
that i went through all the trouble and did all that,
i thought you'd be satisfied and i'll be off the hook,
BUT?

haiyo misterrrrr...
why did you ask me to dig further?
yeah, ok, so you said if i have the time,
but oi, say,
if i don't give you the results in a week time,
you'll be complaining right?
right?
think i can't see through that eh?
hwehhhhh....

and mind me asking,
you haven't even looked through the
resource list i poured energy documenting last week right?

y'know mister,
you're not the only one i'm supporting,
3 other besides you needs handling.
hyah!

anyway,
that's all for my complaining session.
here's Hadis Qudsi #7.
reminding me of how i'm a total munafik,
striving to serve people in sacrifice of my time with Him.
how about that heh?

now these are the things that bring me down.
the world, and the people in it.

Astaghfirullah Al Azim.

how do i get around this?
i feel like s.
tsk.

Hadith Qudsi #7:

On the authority of Uqbah ibn Amir (may Allah be pleased with him),
who said:
I heard the messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) say:

Your Lord delights at a shepherd who,
on the peak of a mountain crag,
gives the call to prayer and prays.

Then Allah (glorified and exalted be He) say:
Look at this servant of Mine,
he gives the call to prayer and performs the prayers;
he is in awe of Me.

I have forgiven My servant [his sins]
and have admitted him to Paradise.

-related by an-Nasa'i with a good chain of authorities.

think i'm better off being a shepherd,
rather an engineer who sacrifices her time for these people.

i asked for leniency the other day,
to them SCorp peeps,
so that i'd be able to pray on time whenever i'm here.
and guess what?
they told me religion is a private personal choice,
and it is against their policy to entertain such private matters.

hm.

and they say they love me.
that they prefer my support.
and mr manager?
he's happy that what percent of our income
comes from my coming here entertaining these peeps.

i asked for kindness,
and this is what i get.

when they said no to my appeal,
it broke my heart and made me cry.
and now?
i'm just empty and cynical.
yep, got that right i'm questioning the integrity of my job.

think maybe i'll be a shepherd one day.
just me and my lambs.
and all the time and freedom in the world to serve Him.

anyway, don't mind me,
i'm just bursting out.

till then,
have a good weekend,
assalamualaikum kawan2.

2007-10-26T14:03:00.001+09:00

distraction

28 years and i've learned that the world is a complicated place,
and nothing is black and white in this complicated world.
and so, i have learned to not be quick in judgments,
or in forming opinions.

i am,
not holier than thou to be able to do that.

thing about me is...
i often feel like i'm not entitled to an opinion, y'know?
unless it was made upon the right information,
from both sides of the matter,
then maybe i can form one and then maybe voice it out.

i lack in confidence that way.
a little bit insecured too i guess.

but i didn't wanna be ignorant,
and i didn't wanna be insensitive.

so, for selfish reasons i guess,
i had to know what is actually happening over there,
and began reading the blogs documenting the war in iraq.

things back home was putting me in a sinking mode recently,
and i was.. i was a sinking ship.
i was sad yes,
but i didn't wanna be one of those people who...
y'know... think that the world revolves around them.

i'm sad, so sad, nobody's more sad than me.
nobody's got bigger problems than me,
mine is the bigger issue,
me, me, ME.
y'know... that kind of people.

so i gotta say,
when grieving doesn't help,
another way to go is distraction.

and if there aren't anyone who'll distract you,
well then, you gotta do it yourself babe.

i did that and i got what i looked for:
distraction.

my sadness got turned another way around
when i read about what Teflon Don saw in Ramadi that day:

It was only three or four rounds,
and they were off behind one of the buildings in the village.
The men unloading the supply trucks took little notice of the explosions,
and the locals that I could see simply started moving inside the buildings.

War quickly callouses you to frightening things
- explosions still make us jump,
but if they don't directly affect us,
we virtually ignore them.

This time, they affected us.

I saw a crowd of villagers thronging up to the gate of the OP.
Somewhere near the front,
there was a man struggling towards the Marines.

I'll never remember what he looked like or the clothes he wore,
but I'll never forget his burden.

He carried a little girl.
She looked six or seven.
Her head lolled back, her dark, curly hair dusty on his arm,
and her legs dangled limply by his side.
The only pattern on her dirty white dress was streaks of blood.

A second man followed the first
- the little boy he carried was even younger than the girl.
Both the children looked dead, or close to it.
Behind the men are more villagers, and some of them have burdens of their own.
Too many. At least one of the mindless, undiscerning shells had landed in a school.

There was silence in the truck for an eternity,
and then the driver whispered the thoughts of us all.
In that moment, in the stillness, the profanity sounded strangely like a prayer:

"Fuck, man... just fuckin' kids"

No one else says anything- we all know what he means.
People who weren't involved in this war died today,
and more may die yet.

Kids paid the price for their parent's fight.
Children dying hits you in a way that other death doesn't.
You don't feel the sharp sting of losing a friend.
You don't view their death with the casual indifference you might feel for adults.
You feel the dull ache of lost innocence,
of a lost future.

(excerpt)
Posted by Teflon Don at 26.3.07

i was already sad,
and i was already crying,
but good thing is?
i wasn't crying for myself this time.

i was reminded about how my problems
have only a slim chance at being petty compared to their's.
maybe no chance at all, who knows?
i mean, their problems involves life and death right?
mine doesn't, so..

i have been reading Acute Politics for some time now,
and i like his writing.
unbiased and he has hopes,
based on what he saw and experienced,
he has good hopes for iraq and its people.

hopes that i myself,
forget to hope for our iraqi brothers and sisters.

go read Teflon Don's blog : Acute Politics if you like.
click exits on the right of this page.
you'll find the link there.

for us, let's be thankful we're in a safe place,
that our family are living safe and not under mortar attacks.

but let's not forget that those who does,
are our sisters and our brothers in faith.

let us at least,
offer a prayer for their well being after our solahs.

i hope i remember that,
insyaAllah.

may peace be upon you and me,
and peace be upon us all.

assalamualaikum kawan2.

2007-10-24T12:00:00.000+09:00

Hadith Qudsi #6

on the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him),
who said: i heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) say:

the first of people against whom
judgment will be pronounced on the Day of Resurrection
will be a man who died a martyr.

he will be brought and Allah will make known to him His favours
and he will recognize them.

[The Almighty] will say:
and what did you do about them?

he will say:
i fought for You until i died a martyr.

He will say:
you have lied -
you did but fight that it might be said [of you]:
he is courageous.
and so it was said.

then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face
until he is cast into Hell-fire.

[another] will be a man who has studied [religious] knowledge
and has taught it and who used to recite the Quran.

he will be brought and Allah will make known to his His favours
and he will recognize them.

[The Almighty] will say:
and what did you do about them?

he will say:
i studied [religious] knowledge
and i taught it
and i recited the Quran for Your sake.

He will say:
you have lied -
you did but study [religious] knowledge that it might be said [of you]:
he is learned.
and you recited the Quran that it might be said [of you]:
he is a reciter.
and so it was said.

then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face
until he is cast into Hell-fire.

[another] will be a man whom Allah had made rich
and to whom He had given all kinds of wealth.

he will be brought and Allah will make known to his His favours
and he will recognize them.

[The Almighty] will say:
and what did you do about them?

he will say:
i left no path [untrodden]
in which You like money to be spent without spending in it for Your sake.

He will say:
you have lied -
you did but do so that it might be said [of you]:
he is open-handed.
and so it was said.

then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face
until he is cast into Hell-fire.

- related by Muslim (also by at-Tirmidhi and an-Nasa'i).

may we be reminded insyaAllah.
Assalamualaikum.

2007-10-13T06:23:00.000+09:00

salam aidilfitri 1428

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim
Assalamualaikum

the end of the blessed month.
and i'm a little blue.

well truth is,
i've been blue the whole period.
been taking a break from blogging and fotopaging and flickring in honoring the month,
and well, i guess, it was a good choice taken.

not that it eases my sadness though.

entering ramadhan 1428,
i had high hopes and wishes and was pumped up with motivation.
to score the month, you know?

well what can i say,
the world got in the way?
fatigue unbearable?
stress overwhelming?

i guess i can use them as excuses.
but i fully well know, excuses or not,
they're all my weaknesses,
and i am a very, very weak person.

insaf.
i hope He gives me another chance.

insyaAllah, Amin.

happy eid friends,
mintak maaf banyak2.

from the bottom of my heart,
the sincerest of me,
if i ever hurt you,
or did wrong towards you,
intentional or unintentionally,
in the long past or jusr recently,
i hope for your forgiveness.

forgive me.

i know none of you need ask for mine,
cuz Alhamdulillah,
i've learn to put everything in the past.
i assure you that i no longer keep tabs :)

well,
happy eid friends,
give my regards to your loved ones eh?

you guys have a wonderful eid ait?
:)

2007-09-18T00:47:00.000+09:00

blessed month

Alhamdulillah,
6th day into the blessed month.
i really, really, really do hope i get to better myself as a muslimah by the end of it. i desperately hope, that i'll found myself closer to Where, Who i came from by the time the blessed month leaves. i trully hope, that i'll find Help, i hope that i'll be ok.

i hope i'll be ok.

because the world,
it makes me sad.

what leland fitzgerald said, i can relate:

I think there are two ways you can see the world.
You either see the sadness that's behind everything
or you choose to keep it all out.

It covers my eyes.
It's all I can see.

Say there's some kids playing baseball.
All I see is the one kid they won't let play
because he tells corny jokes.
And no one thinks they're funny.

Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know.
I just see that they're gonna be one of those sad old couples one day
who just cheats on each other
and can't even look at each other in the eye.

And I feel it.
I feel all of their sadness.
I feel it probably even worse than that sad old couple
or that corny kid will ever feel it.

hold me guilty of sadness,
because i'm a convict.

its ok.
if this is how He wants me to learn,
then this how i'll learn.

reality has change.
mom and me,
we're all we've got now.

y'know,
fair or not,
sometimes,
change,
its not a choice.

Hadith Qudsi #5:
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him),
who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
Allah (glorified and exalted be He) said:

I am so self-sufficient that I am in no need of having an associate.
Thus he who does an action for someone else's sake
as well as Mine,
will have that action renounced by Me
to him whom he associated with Me.

- related by Muslim (also by Ibn Majah).

renounce:
to cast off or disown; turn away from; give up

becareful with our niyyah.
its not an easy task.

'tis only Him who can guide and protects us.
'tis only Him, do we have to rely upon.
Him,
and only Him.

O Allah My Lord,
make Your Face our only direction,
and Your Love our only desire..
so we do not request except You..
and we do not hope except You.

O Allah My Lord,
make Your Face our only direction,
and Your Love our only desire..
so we do not request except You..
and we do not hope except You.

Amin Amin Ya Rabbal Al Amin...

selamat berpuasa kawan2,
may we be better muslims with stronger iman,
tauhid and aqidah this year.

Amin.

mak,
mak tau mak ada ana kan?
you'll always have me.
always.

and i love you,
always.

always.

2007-09-04T22:16:00.000+09:00

sweet liar

Abdullah ibn Umar(radhi allahu anhu),
once saw a man from Yemen carrying his mother on his back and going around the Kaaba in his tawaaf. rather than showing any sign of complaint, the man was happy, repeating a line of poetry in which he liked.

he looked at Abdullah ibn Umar (radhi allahu anhu) and asked him,
whether by doing so he discharged his debt to his mother.

Ibn Umar(radhi allahu anhu)said:
no, you have not even paid back one twinge of her labor pain when she gave birth to you.

~*~

assalamualaikum friends,
i found this article as i was browsing islamicity.com discussion forums,
i thought i'd share it with you.

may we wake up,
and realize about all the things we've taken for granted all this while,
insyaAllah, Amin...

~*~

the story began when i was a child;
i was a son of a poor family in africa.

1.
we did not even have enough food.
whenever meal times came, Mother would often give me her portion of rice.
while she was removing her rice into my bowl, she would say:
"eat this rice, son. i'm not hungry".

that was Mother's first lie.

2.
when i was growing up,
Mother gave her spare time to go fishing in a river near our house.
she hoped that from the fish she caught,
she could gave me a little bit of nutritious food for my growth.

after fishing,
she would cook some fresh fish soup,
which raised my appetite.

while i was eating the soup,
Mother would sit beside me and eat the rest of the fish,
which was still on the bone of the fish i had eaten.
my heart was touched when i saw that.

i then used my chopstick and gave the other fish to her.
but she immediately refused and said:
"eat this fish, son. i don't really like fish."

that was Mother's Second Lie.

3.
then, when i was in junior high school......
to fund my studies,
Mother went to an economic enterprise
to bring some used-match boxes that would need to be stuck together.
it gave her some money to cover our needs.

as the winter came,
i woke up from my sleep and looked at Mother
who was still awake,
supported by a little candlelight
and with perseverance,
she would continue the work of sticking some used-match boxes.

i said,
"Mother, go to sleep, it's late,
tomorrow morning you still have to go to work."

Mother smiled and said:
"go to sleep, dear. i'm not tired."

that was Mother's Third Lie.

4.
the final term arrived.......
Mother asked for leave from work in order to accompany me.
while the sun was starting to shine strongly,
my persevering Mother waited for me under the heat for several hours.

as the bell rang,
which indicated that the final exam had finished,
Mother immediately welcomed me
and poured me a cup of tea that she had brought in a flask.

seeing Mother covered with perspiration,
i at once gave her my cup and asked her to drink too.

Mother said:
"drink, son. i'm not thirsty."

that was Mother's Fourth Lie.

5.
after the death of my father due to illness,
my poor Mother had to play her role as a single parent.
she had to fund our needs alone.
our family's life was more complicated.
no days without suffering.

our family's condition getting worse,
a kind uncle who lived near our house assisted now and then.

our neighbours, often advised Mother to marry again.
but Mother was stubborn and didn't take their advice;
she said:
"i don't need love."

that was Mother's Fifth Lie.

6.
after i had finished my studies and got a job,
it was the time for my old Mother to retire.
but she didn't want to;
she would go to the marketplace every morning,
just to sell some vegetables to fulfill her needs.

i, who worked in another city,
often sent her some money to help her,
in fulfilling her needs,
but she would not accept the money.

at times,
she even sent the money back to me.

she said:
"i have enough money."

that was Mother's Sixth Lie.

7.
after graduating with a bachelors degree,
i then continued to do a masters degree.
it was funded by a company through a scholarship program,
from a famous university in america.

i finally worked in the company.
with a good salary,
i intended to bring my Mother to enjoy her life in america.

but my lovely Mother didn't want to bother her son.
she said to me,
"i'm not use to living abroad."

that was Mother's Seventh Lie.

8.
in her old age,
Mother got stomach cancer
and had to be hospitalized.

i, who lived miles away,
across the ocean,
went home to visit my dearest Mother.

she lay in weakness on her bed after having an operation.

Mother, who looked so old,
was staring at me in deep thought.

she tried to spread her smile on her face...
but it was a noticeable effort.

it was clear that the disease had weakened Mother's body.
she looked so frail and weak.
i stared at Mother with tears flowing.

my heart was hurt...
so hurt,
seeing Mother in that condition.

but Mother with the little strength she had, said:
"don't cry, my dear. i'm not in pain."

that was Mother's Eighth Lie.

after saying her eighth lie,
Mother closed her eyes forever.

~*~

2007-08-24T21:50:00.000+09:00

burnout

A'uzubillahi minasyaitanir Rajim,
Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

Assalamualaikum kawan2...

hyaaaahhhhhh....!!!!
penat penat penat penat penaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttt... >_<

just after i got back from hiroshima,
work load piled up and i had to prepare a customized training session for a customer.
the whole of last week, that was what i was up to :P

FPGAs...
Field Programmable Gate Array....
there's just sooooo much to it.
toooo much actually.

you have the design tools,
hence, there's tool support to be skilled at.

and then there's the devices themselves.
every series have different architectures,
so THAT,
you're gonna have to be familiar with too.

and thennnnnnnnnnnnnn...
inside those devices,
other than the logic fabric,
there's the hard macros
and the intellectual properties,
the function specialized resources.
lots of it!
kya!
the digital signal processing units,
the processors,
the memory blocks...
etc
etc
etc
hyaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
naik gila!

so much for technology :P
bwek bwek bwekkkk!!!

so users want things smaller,
they want things lighter,
faster interfaces,
wider screen,
more functions,
and the list goes on...

all that,
and at a cheap price.
haaaaahahaha... ha?!

ayoyo...
so to meet those demands,
i go to work every weekday.

sucks sucks sucks.
:P

but anyhowwww...
i managed to make the reference design work,
get the 54 pages training leaflet done,
and the boards and cables for downloading demo packed.

that was on wednesday.
customer training from 1000 to 1600 hour and i was?
adori sensei.
:P

penat penat penat.

do i like my job?
heheh.

seriously?
seriously nope,
not really.
i like the people i work with, yeah, but honestly?
i'd rather do something else than this.
i'm absolutely done with technology, yep.
absolutely!
done!

the way i think of it,
nowadays people don't use their heads so much anymore,
when calculating they use calculators or computers.

people don't write letters anymore,
we use emails for this and that.

people don't go out to appreciate God's creation anymore,
we stay home to watch tv or videos or play nintendo or the playstation series.

thing is,
i've seen those people who made these technology gadjets possible. they don't have dinner with their families on weekdays. work themselves to the bone, all they do during weekends is sleep to gain strength for the week to come.
divorce rate is high,
suicide rate high too.

i saw that behind technology.
and i have had enough.

ayooooo...
tak shabar nak benti keje mehhhh...
carik keje baru,
keje berkat sket dari keje membuat benda yang melekakan, memalaskan orang, tskkk!!!

aitsss...
that's all i guess.

for today,
i'd like to revise with you the first four of the Hadith Qudsi:

Hadith Qudsi #1:
When Allah decreed the Creation,
He pledged Himself by writing in His book:
"My mercy prevails over my wrath."

Hadith Qudsi #2:
Adam's son denied Allah by forgetting the Here After,
they reviled Him by saying that He has taken a son.

Allah is the One,
the Everlasting Refuge.
He begot not nor was He begotten,
and there is none comparable to Him.

Hadith Qudsi #3:
Believe in Allah, not His creation.
Of such natural phenomena as rain or storm,
or the blowing of the wind or the exchange of day and night,
it is Allah the Almighty who is the Disposer of all things.

Hadith Qudsi #4:
Allah the Almighty is the Ordainer of all things.
To inveigh against misfortunes that are part of Time,
is tantamount to inveighing against Him.

may we be reminded.
insyaAllah, Aaaaaaminnnnnn... ^-^

anyway,
i'm in love with this cute guy, nyahah!
his name is mr mott,
and kyaaaa!!!!
he's sooooooo chomel you knowwwwwwwwww.... ^-^

so mwahksss!!!
assalamualaikum kawan2!

introducing to you,
mr mott!
*short for molmot, cuz... well that's what he is! ^-^

2007-08-10T21:24:00.001+09:00

visiting hell

Hadith Qudsi 4:

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him),
who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
Allah said:

Sons of Adam inveigh against [the vicissitudes of] Time,
and I am Time,
in My hand is the night and the day (*).

*
As the Almighty is the Ordainer of all things,
to inveigh against misfortunes that are part of Time
is tantamount to inveighing against Him.

inveigh (verb):
- speak against in an impassioned manner
- complain bitterly

vicissitudes (plural noun):
- changes of circumstances or fortune
- sudden or unexpected changes or shifts often encountered in one's life, activities, or surroundings

~*~

In the Name of Allah,
the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

assalamualaikum kawan2 ^-^

y'know its so true...
how we can be soooooooooooo wrapped up with ourselves sometimes.
and on so many issues too.

why this why that?
why can't i this why can't i that?
why do i have to be or do this or that?
why is my mom this, my dad that,
my brother this, my sister that,
my boyfriend this, my girlfriend that?
and the list goes on...
sometimes we forget to be grateful for what we have,
for what He had bestowed upon us.
sometimes we take things for granted.

makes me laugh sometimes,
at myself.
so i think i'm the center of the universe.
...well not really.
(ok, ok, so some people may beg to differ eheks)

today, during lunch,
me and this indian guy from india,
got into this... i don't know...
a heated discussion.

about whether the bombing of hiroshima was a right decision,
and whether it was necessary.

he believed that it was a right decision made,
and i begged to differ.

he insisted why he believed so,
it was fair enough to let him speak his points,
so i listened to his reasons.

but?
i couldn't identify any of his reasons.
so, the discussion went on
and on
and on
and on in circles.

the japanese guy who was with us looked a bit scared,
so i just told the indian,
if he thinks the american did right by bombing hiroshima,
killing what hundreds or thousands of civillians to restore peace in the world,
to spare more hundreds or thousands of civillian lives,
then... ok.
fine with me.

but,
i can't say that i share his opinion.
i still think,
that the bombing of hiroshima was inhumane,
the most terrible act men can do to men.

i mean,
a genocide of public civillian is one thing,
but making them suffer before death takes them...
that's just, evil.

even if they didn't die and they survive,
the radiation effect they had to suffer,
and their children
and their grand children
and their great grandchildren had to suffer.
what if it was you?
what if it was your family?
death i can deal,
but torture?

and i am entitled to my opinion,
as he was entitled to his.
if we can't find common ground on that,
then its better that we keep our opinions to ourselves.

he looked as if he had more to say,
but Alhamdulillah,
he kept it to himself.
cuz if not, hweeeehhhhh...
penatla hambaaaaaa....

kya!
people!
unbelievable!

so that was that.
my heated debate during lunch.

after work, i got home,
had some light dinner and went around with stuffs,
and right now i'm watching tv.
yes, and blogging to ;)

so,
guess what's on air,
right this very minute?

a heated debate
between japanese vs non-japanese forumers.

on what topic?
surprise, surprise...
hiroshima and nagasaki.

62 years had passed since that fateful day,
the radiation effect have not ceased even today.

in the show,
there's this old man.
a survivor.

this was what he saw:
they were heavily burned,
melting flesh dripped,
from the bones of their arms.

it was too painful, skin touching skin,
that they had to hold up their arms
so their arms won't touch their bodies.
because of that,
they walked like zombies.
only they weren't,
they were people.
barely, but still alive.

flesh dripping from their burnt bodies,
you can't tell men from women from young from old.
men,
women,
children,
all were burnt.

"its hot... hot..."
"water... water..."
"hot... water..."
they cried over and over.

they dragged their melting burnt feet to the river,
and step into the water,
to cool themselves,
to sip a drink,
but too weak,
they drowned and died instead.

red with blood,
countless bodies floated in the river,
the body count was countless.

it was hell.
hell on earth.

an american forumer raised his hand,
told the audience he had been to the nagasaki peace memorial.
said he saw all the pictures and read all the stories.
a little girl came up to him,
asked him how does he feel.

he thought and answered:
he felt nothing.

it was a correct decision.
the war ended because of the bombings,
and it had saved alot more of american lives,
japanese lives included.

it was fated,
and it can't be helped.

the atomic bombing of hiroshima,
it was a right thing to do.

tskkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
clashes of opinions.

now,
is this just pure coincidence?

thing is,
i'm gonna be away this weekend.
yep, surprise, surprise...
i'm gonna be visiting the hiroshima peace memorial museum tomorrow.
got my bullet train ticket booked,
hotel room booked as well.

its in hiroshima,
where they exhibit all the stuffs relating to the atomic bombing of hiroshima back in 1945, the building is situated nearby the spot where they dropped the bomb.
by the river where all the people died in.
i have been wanting to visit for a long time now,
failing to make time.
this weekend i'll be visiting for the first time.
^-^

with the heated debate during lunch,
and this tv show,
i have a good feeling its gonna be a learning experience.
insyaAllah, i hope so.

i have a good feeling that i'm gonna be drowning in tears
and in lost of words to say right after the visit.
i have a good feeling that i'd be needing time to process.
any how, i'm looking forward to it.
i hope its gonna be a learning experience.
insyaAllah.

if Allah wants me to learn,
then i'll learn.
about the Might of Him,
the Mercy of Him,
the Just in Him,
the Wise of Him.

the MIGHT of Him.

anyway,
speaking from results,
a horrible, horrible event that was,
the bombing of hiroshima did play a role to make japan the country that it is now.

japan was a ruthless country before.
what it did to china, was as terrible as what american did to them.
there is no denying that.
no way around that.
some may think that japan got what it asked for.
and i do not beg to differ.

do evil and evil will come to you,
do good and insyaAllah,
Allah is Merciful,
Allah is Just.

but now, i am glad to say,
that the country i'm residing in now is a peaceful,
and a humble country.
as far as i know, maybe,
if not for the bombings of hiroshima and nagasaki,
it could turn out to be an arrogant, ruthless country it was.

Allah the Ordainer of all things.
The Most Wise.
The Just.
He had proved it again and again.

Qada' and Qadar,
i do believe that it was written that they die that day.
i am not inveighing against that.

i just don't agree with the torment they were put through,
by other men. slaves of Allah trying to play God.
taking pride in their torturing defenseless civillians.
that, i don't dig.

even in a war,
there are guidelines.
you don't go torturing women and children.
you only kill those who fights you.
the rules of engagement.
no civillians,
people unarmed,
with no chance to defend themselves,
no chance for a fight.

even when killing a fly,
you kill it quick.
you don't torture it.

even during Qurban,
you don't sharpen the blade in front of the one to be sacrificed.

to me,
that is being human.
to have humanity.

for without it,
what are we?

inhumane monsters,
the only being that is capable of worsts destructions,
the worst mischieves on Allah's earth.

y'know,
Allah the Most Wise,
Ordainer of all things,
i believe Allah does not let things happen for nothing.
there must be a reason,
a lesson to be learned.

we make the choice,
whether to learn it or not.

i hope, by getting a glance at what hell on earth was,
i would be instilled with the fear for Allah.
the fear of Allah's Hell.
insyaAllah, Amin.

its august frens,
the 31st is gonna be our independence day.
are we grateful for what we have now?
for our independence?
for our freedom to practise Islam freely without physical hardship on home ground? because believe me, practicing Islam in an unIslamic country, it gets to you sometimes, it tests your iman, your fear towards Allah vs your fear towards men. i fail time and again, i do.

i envy you people back home, able to take your time thru your zuhurs and asars for tasbihs and supplications, to spend maghrib and isyak at the suraus or mosques, to find a surau anywhere you go, even when shopping at suria the whole day, you'd still be able to not miss salah.
i envy you for all that.
and i hope you don't take them for granted, cuz urghhhh...
i'm so jeles ok? ^-^

a long zuhur!
especially on a day like today, friday.
kyaaa!!! jelesssshhhh!!!!
>_<

ok,
so that's all for now.
before i leave for the weekend,
let us be reminded with the following surah.

till then,
have a good weekend peeps!
assalamualaikum!

Surah Al Asr

103:1
By time,

103:2
Indeed, mankind is in loss,

103:3
Except for those who have believed
and done righteous deeds
and advised each other to truth
and advised each other to patience.

2007-08-06T21:16:00.000+09:00

innocence

A'uzubillahi minasyaitanir Rajim,
Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

Assalamualaikum kawan2 ^-^

my new read,
is The Holy Qur'an
translated by Abdullah Yusuf Ali.

i recommend you to get it! ^-^
enlightens in a divine way it does!
and it only costed 20 ringgit at MPH
where i bought it with koops the other day ^-^
what better way to spend than in the way of Allah,
right? ^-^

today, as i was reading the translations of the Holy Words,
i came across the ayat below that reminded me of the last post i wrote.

Surah Al Baqarah
ayat 163:
And your God (Allah) is One God(Allah):
there is no god but He, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

ayat 164:
Behold!
in the creation of the heavens and the earth;
in the alternation of the Night and Day;
in the sailing of the ships through the Ocean for the profit of mankind;
in the rain which Allah sends down from the skies;
and the life which He gives therewith to an earth that is dead;
in the beasts of all kinds that He scatters through the earth;
in the change of the winds,
and the clouds
which they trail like their slaves between the sky and the earth;
- (here) indeed are Signs for a people who are wise.

ayat 165:
yet there are men who take (for worship)
others besides Allah,
as equal (with Allah):
they love them as they should love Allah.

but those of Faith,
are overflowing in their love for Allah.

if only the unrighteous could see,
Behold, they would see the Penalty:
that to Allah belongs all power,
and Allah will strongly enforce the penalty.

Sadaqallahul Azim.

may we be reminded,
insyaAllah, Aminnnnn... ^-^

y'know...
as i was walking the street of doutombori in osaka,
it was her voice everywhere.

her new album was not so new,
but every shop i went into,
even as i was walking the busy street,
it was her voice,
singing her songs.
and like her last albums,
her songs weren't bad at all.

i still listen to music if that's what you're thinking ^-^
but not as obsessed if that's what you're wondering too ^-^

after i got back to oono (the town where i live)
i don't know,
i've never bought her album,
cuz well, though her songs are good,
she was a-little-over-average-exposed and well,
i didn't fancy joining the main stream,
nyohohoh.

but then, after i got back from osaka,
i got this urge to buy her latest album.
after much weighing, i did.
bought her latest album.

as i was listening to it,
there was this song.
song #8.

it stabbed me in the heart,
and it made me cry.

makes me cry even now.

i don't know about you guys,
but this is how i heard it,
and how i hear it, still.

waking up i see that everything is ok
the first time in my life and now it's so great
slowing down i look around and i am so amazed
i think about the little things that make life great
i wouldn't change a thing about it
this is the Best Feeling

this innocence, is Brilliant
i hope that it will stay
this moment, is Perfect
please don't go away
i need You now
and i'll hold on to it
don't you let it pass you by

i found a place so safe, not a single tear
the first time in my life and now it's so clear
feel calm i belong, i'm so happy here
it's so Strong and now i let myself be sincere
i wouldn't change a thing about it
this is the Best Feeling

this innocence, is Brilliant
i hope that it will stay
this moment, is Perfect
please don't go away,
i need You now
and i'll hold on to it
don't you let it pass you by

it's the State of Bliss you think you're dreaming
it's the Happiness Inside that you're feeling
it's so Beautiful it makes you wanna cry

it's the State of Bliss you think you're dreaming
it's the Happiness Inside that you're feeling
it's so Beautiful it makes you wanna cry

it's so Beautiful it makes you wanna cry

this innocence, is Brilliant
it makes you want to cry
this innocence, is Brilliance
please don't go away
cuz i need You now
and i'll hold on to it
don't you let it pass you by

this innocence, is Brilliant
i hope that it will stay
this moment, is Perfect
please don't go away
i need You now
and i'll hold on to it
don't you let it pass you by..

yeah,
the 22 year old avril lavigne made me think of Him,
she made me cry thinking of Him.
go figure.

i'm way far from being enlightened,
but i think,
with all the evil that people say that's in music,
the AlMighty He,
if He wanted to touch anyone,
He could do it any which way He wants.
even music.
rarely maybe.
but i guess it'd be no surprise
if He'd wanna move or touch hearts thru it.
afterall,
He is, AlMighty God.
dare we challenge Him saying He can't?
^-^

this is merely a personal opinion.
do not view this as a conviction, eh?
i am not at all enlightened.
its just, how i honestly feel.
that's all.
don't take it seriously ok?
^-^

ait, that's all peeps.
Hadith Qudsi #4 for next eh?

till then,
assalamualaikum kawan2!
& barakallahufi kawan2!

^-^

2007-08-02T22:05:00.000+09:00

astronomia

A'uzubillahi minasyaitanir Rajim,
Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

Assalamualaikum frens ^-^

first and foremostly,
i have to apologize for a misinformation on the last post.

regarding the priority to whom we pledge our obidience to,
it is:

1) Allah SWT
2) Rasulullah SAW
3) our mom
4) our mom
5) our mom
6) our dad

and yes, the greatness and sincerety of love,
in the above sequence too.

my honest mistake,
and i deeply apologize.

sorry frens.
see how forgetful i am?
kyaaa!!!
Astaghfirullah Al Azimmmm!!!!

as explained by Ibn Rajab al-Hanbali,
the love of the Prophet SAW that Allah has made obligatory on the believers is on two levels:

The first of these levels is obligatory.
It is the love that necessitates accepting everything that the Prophet SAW brought from Allah with total acceptance and contentment. It also necessitates not seeking guidance from any way other than his way. Thereafter comes following him correctly in everything that he conveyed from his Lord.

We must believe everything he has told us.
We must obey all of his commands.
We must abstain from everything that he prohibited.
We must,
to the extent of our abilities,
defend his faith and fight against those who go against him.

This degree of love is indispensable.
A person's faith cannot be complete without it.

The second level is one of distinction for those who attain it.
It is the love that inspires a person to follow him and his Sunnah in every aspect of his personality and his conduct.

Such a person will voluntarily perform extra acts of worship and follow the noble and pure conduct of the Prophet SAW in the way that he eats, drinks, dresses, deals with his family, and conducts himself in all other activities.
He will be concerned to know the events of the Prophet's life.
His heart will always be inspired to love the Prophet SAW,
honor him,
and hear his teachings.
He will prefer the words of the Prophet SAW to the words of all other created beings.

One of the greatest manifestations of this level of love is to follow the example of the Prophet SAW in abstaining from the world,
being content with very little,
and longing for the Hereafter.

- reference

may we strive to love and obey Allah SWT, Rasulullah SAW,
our mother and our father,
insyaAllah.

and now,
i'm sorry for delaying this, so...
here it is ^-^

Hadith Qudsi #3:

On the authority of Zayd ibn Khalid al-Juhaniyy (may Allah be pleased with him), who said:

The Messenger of Allah (may the blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)
led the morning prayer for us at al-Hudaybiyah following rainfall during the night.
When the Prophet (may the blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) finished,
he faced the people and said to them:
Do you know what your Lord has said?

They said:
Allah and his Messenger know best.

He said:
This morning one of my servants became a believer in Me and one a disbeliever.
As for him who said: We have been given rain by virtue of Allah and His mercy,
that one is a believer in Me, a disbeliever in the stars *;
and as for him who said: We have been given rain by such-and-such a star,
that one is a disbeliever in Me, a believer in the stars.

*
The pre-Islamic Arabs believed that rain was brought about by the movement of stars.
This Hadith draws attention to the fact that whatever be the direct cause of such natural phenomena as rain,
it is Allah the Almighty who is the Disposer of all things.

- related by al-Bukhari (also by Malik and an-Nasa'i).

well i don't know about you guys,
but reading the Hadith Qudsi above made me think...
stars? star signs? astrology?
hohohoh...
astrology...

astrology readings are available everywhere now.
even when we don't try to find them,
they're everywhere!
here in japan, it is read over the morning programs every single day.
daily forecast, weekly forecast, and so forth.
its a booming rave.
and its common.

aquarius, pisces, aries, taurus, gemini and all the hoolas.
we, girls especially, sure love 'em don't we?
i know i did, i used to have my daily readings at the end of every entry a while ago. tskk!!
might we be walking on thin ice here girls??

so i thought...
let's find out and learn.

what's the ruling?
well... it has been fiercely debated among the scholars,
and the general ruling would be :
that it is forbidden.

i think, the ruling was decided, for us to be on the safest side of aqidah.
cuz without aqidah then...
well, we'd be lost.

i am not enlightened on the topic,
so i did some digging and reading on the matter just to get some enlightenment.

we all know that astronomy, or ilm al-falak is okay,
as it refers to the science concerned with the observation of the motions of heavenly bodies
and reducing these observations to mathematical order or calculation.

ancient arabs have been known to look at the stars for navigation,
to calculate and predict the beginning of months, seasons,
and determining the direction of Qiblah.
even today, we peek at the moon to determine the start and end of the Holy month Ramadhan.

so that's astronomy.
and its okay.

so how about astrology.
what is astrology anyway?
how does Islam view it?

the very much respected Imam Ibn Taymiyah said:
"Astrology that is concerned with studying the positions and aspects of celestial bodies
in the belief
that they have an influence
on the course of natural earthly occurrences and human affairs
is prohibited by Almighty Allah’s Book, the Sunnah, and the unanimous agreement of the Muslim scholars.
Furthermore, astrology was considered forbidden by all Messengers of Almighty Allah."

in the belief
that they have an influence
on the course of natural earthly occurrences and human affairs

i guess, THAT is the problem.

believing that the stars, or the sun, or the moon's position and movement
could affect earthly occurences, or human affairs,
and forgetting that Allah is the Creator of all things,
and He is the Guardian
and the Disposer of all affairs.

i guess, THAT is the danger in astrology.
that it endangers our aqidah.
so rather than risking it,
the safest way to protect our already frail iman,
is by refraining from it.

i guess that is why,
the ruling.

Ibn 'Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him and his father) reported
that Almighty Allah's Messenger SAW said:
"He who has acquired some knowledge of astrology has acquired some knowledge of sorcery;
the more he acquires of the former the more he acquires of the latter."
- reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, and Ibn Majah

Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) also reported
that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
"He who goes to a soothsayer or a fortuneteller and believes what he says
exhibits disbelief
in what has been sent down to Prophet Muhammad SAW (from Almighty Allah)."
- Al-Albani in Sahih At-Targhib wa At-Tarhib, vol. 3, p. 172, said that this is an authentic hadith.

y'know, thanks to dear shz,
photography has been a tool for me to open my eyes,
and be aware of my surroundings.

my pictures aren't good i have to admit,
but that's not the point.

since i've started taking pictures,
i no longer breeze thru my walks.
instead i started slowing down and by that,
i started noticing the sky, the flowers, the caterpillars...
i started noticing Allah's creations,
and i have to say,
that they are indeed marvellously intriguing,
and fascinating.

i had the chance to witness the birth of a new day from Mt. Fuji the other day,
and Subhanallah!
the magnificent beauty!
i got so emotional at the sight that i cried
as i praised Him over and over and over again.

around me were these japanese,
holding their hands palm to palm,
praying, making their wishes to the sun.

it made me glum as i saw how easy it was,
to misunderstand Allah's powerful creation,
to be intrigued and mesmerized,
and believe in the beautiful creations itself
and forgetting that Allah made them.

it is THAT easy.

that experience led me to think,
that it is an inevitable possibility,
if the question about astrology be taken lightly,
people will often start looking to the stars and their daily forecasts
instead of looking to God for answers.

Allah said in Surah Yunus:
10:1
Alif, Lam, Ra.
These are the verses of the wise Book.

10:2
Have the people been amazed that We revealed [revelation] to a man from among them,
[saying], "Warn mankind and give good tidings to those who believe
that they will have a [firm] precedence of honor with their Lord"?
[But] the disbelievers say, "Indeed, this is an obvious magician."

10:3
Indeed, your Lord is Allah,
who created the heavens and the earth in six days
and then established Himself above the Throne,
arranging the matter [of His creation].
There is no intercessor except after His permission.

That is Allah, your Lord,
so worship Him.

Then will you not remember?

10:4
To Him is your return all together.
[It is] the promise of Allah [which is] truth.
Indeed, He begins the [process of] creation and then repeats it
that He may reward those who have believed and done righteous deeds,
in justice.

But those who disbelieved will have a drink of scalding water
and a painful punishment for what they used to deny.

10:5
It is He who made the sun a shining light
and the moon a derived light and determined for it phases
- that you may know the number of years and account [of time].
Allah has not created this except in truth.
He details the signs for a people who know.

10:6
Indeed, in the alternation of the night and the day
and [in] what Allah has created in the heavens and the earth
are signs for a people who fear Allah.

10:7
Indeed, those who do not expect the meeting with Us
and are satisfied with the life of this world
and feel secure therein
and those who are heedless of Our signs -

10:8
For those their refuge will be the Fire
because of what they used to earn.

10:9
Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds
- their Lord will guide them because of their faith.
Beneath them rivers will flow in the Gardens of Pleasure.

10:10
Their call therein will be, "Exalted are You, O Allah,"
and their greeting therein will be, "Peace."
And the last of their call will be,
"Praise to Allah, Lord of the worlds!"

10:11
And if Allah was to hasten for the people the evil [they invoke]
as He hastens for them the good,
their term would have been ended for them.

But We leave the ones who do not expect the meeting with Us,
in their transgression,
wandering blindly.

10:12
And when affliction touches man, he calls upon Us,
whether lying on his side or sitting or standing;
but when We remove from him his affliction,
he continues [in disobedience]
as if he had never called upon Us to [remove] an affliction that touched him.

Thus is made pleasing to the transgressors that which they have been doing.

10:13
And We had already destroyed generations before you when they wronged,
and their messengers had come to them with clear proofs,
but they were not to believe.
Thus do We recompense the criminal people.

10:14
Then We made you successors in the land after them
so that We may observe how you will do.

10:15
And when Our verses are recited to them as clear evidences,
those who do not expect the meeting with Us say,
"Bring us a Qur'an other than this or change it."

Say, [O Muhammad],
"It is not for me to change it on my own accord.
I only follow what is revealed to me.
Indeed I fear, if I should disobey my Lord,
the punishment of a tremendous Day."

10:16
Say,
"If Allah had willed, I would not have recited it to you,
nor would He have made it known to you,
for I had remained among you a lifetime before it.
Then will you not reason?”

10:17
So who is more unjust than he who invents a lie about Allah or denies His signs?
Indeed, the criminals will not succeed.

10:18
And they worship other than Allah
that which neither harms them nor benefits them, and they say,
"These are our intercessors with Allah."

Say,
"Do you inform Allah of something He does not know in the heavens or on the earth?"
Exalted is He and high above what they associate with Him.

10:19
And mankind was not but one community [united in religion],
but [then] they differed.

And if not for a word that preceded from your Lord,
it would have been judged between them [immediately]
concerning that over which they differ.

10:20
And they say,
"Why is a sign not sent down to him from his Lord?"

So say,
"The unseen is only for Allah [to administer],
so wait;
indeed, I am with you among those who wait."

10:21
And when We give the people a taste of mercy after adversity has touched them,
at once they conspire against Our verses.

Say, "Allah is swifter in strategy."
Indeed, Our messengers record that which you conspire.

10:22
It is He who enables you to travel on land and sea until,
when you are in ships and they sail with them by a good wind and they rejoice therein,
there comes a storm wind and the waves come upon them from everywhere
and they assume that they are surrounded,
supplicating Allah,
sincere to Him in religion,
"If You should save us from this, we will surely be among the thankful."

10:23
But when He saves them,
at once they commit injustice upon the earth without right.

O mankind, your injustice is only against yourselves,
[being merely] the enjoyment of worldly life.

Then to Us is your return,
and We will inform you of what you used to do.

10:24
The example of [this] worldly life is but like rain which We have sent down from the sky
that the plants of the earth absorb
‐ [those] from which men and livestock eat
‐ until, when the earth has taken on its adornment
and is beautified
and its people suppose that they have capability over it,
there comes to it Our command by night or by day,
and We make it as a harvest,
as if it had not flourished yesterday.

Thus do We explain in detail the signs for a people who give thought.

10:25
And Allah invites to the Home of Peace and guides whom He wills to a straight path.

Allah has informed us of His intended purpose for the stars, the sun, the moon and the wind:
to guide mankind in the right path.

He encouraged mankind to look into and ponder over the objects of his creation,
including the heaven, the stars and the moon,
in order to understand His signs and thereby His supreme Might, Glory and Greatness.

that is what we should strive to do.
not to associate or worship or believe or rely on other than Allah.

Rasulullah SAW said:
"I fear on account of my nation three things after my death:
(I fear that) their imams (leaders) would oppress them,
(that) they would believe in astrology,
and (that) they would disbelieve predestination."
- reported by Ibn 'Asakir and Ibn 'Abdul-Barr

its not an easy task,
protecting it,
our creed,
our aqidah,
our iman.

how we slip so easily, us human.
let us all pray that Allah SWT show us the way.
and when he does, let us all not turn away.

in Allah only do we believe.
in Allah only do we rely on.
sufficient for us is Allah.
fear Allah.

"worship the creator,not the creation"

Allah said in Surah Al Imran:
3:135
And those who,
when they commit an immorality or wrong themselves [by transgression],
remember Allah and seek forgiveness for their sins
- and who can forgive sins except Allah?
- and [who] do not persist in what they have done while they know.

3:136
Those - their reward is forgiveness from their Lord
and gardens beneath which rivers flow [in Paradise],
wherein they will abide eternally;
and excellent is the reward of the [righteous] workers.

3:137
Similar situations [as yours] have passed on before you,
so proceed throughout the earth
and observe how was the end of those who denied.

3:138
This [Qur'an] is a clear statement to [all] the people
and a guidance and instruction for those conscious of Allah.

may we be reminded.
Amin.

*
please bear in mind,
that i am not a learned person, nor enlightened.
rather, i am still a long way from it.
i am still a learner, and am learning as i'm writing these words.
i just hope i can share the things i've learned which i think is true,
so if there are mistakes, do tell eh? ^-^
maybe we can learn together,
insyaAllah.

indeed, all truth are from Allah,
the mistakes are mine own.

till then, assalamualaikum kawan2! ^-^

2007-07-29T03:13:00.000+09:00

ayah man

"I am God, and there is no deity except Me.
I am pleased with those with whom their parents are pleased,
and I am displeased with those with whom their parents are displeased."

it has been related,
that these are the the very first words which have been written
on the al-lawh al-mahfuz.

al-lawh al-mahfuz:
the Holy Qur'an, in its written form,
is accepted as the earthly reproduction of an uncreated and eternal heavenly original :
al-lawh al-mahfuz (the well-preserved tablet).
* referred to in the Qur'an itself in Surah Al-Burooj : Ayat 21-22

and Allah knows best.

~*~

after what happened recently,
i sometimes think of what good investments i've made,
to have such kindness enlightenment from Him.

believe me when i say,
that i don't have much good things to say about myself.
i don't.

i hated to be perceived as a good person,
owhhh... y'know... budak baik, skema,
even nice or friendly or well mannered.
nope, na-ah, i hated it to be seen as such.
its so not cool y'know?
ahaks!

so what's cool?
well, the opposite of all that:
budak jahat, budak nakal, budak kerek,
problem child, even a cold heartless bitch.
now that, was cool.

so i have invested alot to be perceived as those.
i put effort in that investment, i got people to believe that i was all that.
i was much more comfortable when people don't know me, who they're dealing with,
who i really am as a person.
it was easier to impress people when they expect the worst from me.
yep, the pressure of expectation was much more easier to deal with that way.
so i put effort and get people fooled, while in most cases, i read them like a book.
it was my defense mechanism.
and it worked well.
for selfish benefits of course:
it gave me sense of security, made me feel safe.

and so for that,
i don't have much good things to say about myself.
and i couldn't think of any good investment i have made in the past to lead to my gift of enlightenment. of course if Allah said 'Be', then any reason would suffice,
but i just can't help but wonder.
i mean, i can't be THAT lucky now can i?

wondering about it led me to think of him.
reminded me of how we all feared him.
my mom's big bro,
ayah man,
my uncle.

ayah man bore the seal of Success in our yunanese family.
he pioneered the field of property in the land of kuala lumpur,
before it became the big city it is.

two men army : him and his friend,
some of them buildings standing in the city, their firm owns them.

my grandpa : papa,
was a simple kerani in kuala terengganu,
so ayah man didn't start rich.

we all feared him, ayah man.
ayah man garang!
ayah man bekeng!
ayah man strict!
kyaaaa!!!
sumer orang takut kat ayah man, tskkk!!

the way i remember him,
ayah man has these BIG, BIG eyes.
he'd eat us up with his BIG eyes.
yep, that he could do.
we feared him like one would fear a fierce lion, tskk!
all ayah man had to do was jegil his BIG eyes
and me and my li'l bro would wail in tears, kyaaa!!!

once, we rode with ayah man to head back for kuala terengganu.
i was a little kid back then, very little.
ayah man drove.
a long ride it was.
and we seldom stopped for a break.

that day abang sham, our cousin's nightmare became reality.
on the road, suddenly abang sham needed to pee.
*caution: sorry, my terengganu dialect is heavily dusty, tskk!

abang sham: ayoh mang, shang (sham) nok kecin. kita benti jak buleh dok?

silence.
we all swallowed our breaths in suspense.
haiyohhhh... why didn't you kencing before we left lah abang shammm???

silence.

abang sham: ... ayoh mang?

that was when ayah man threw a plastic bag to the back,
where abang sham sat.

ayah man: nok kecin, kecin dalang plastik.

silence.
abang sham held his pee till the end of the ride.

teheheh... oh yes, you got that right.
whatever ayah man said, its final.
none dares to argue.
and nobody did.

ayah man has a BIG build.
not fat, nor plump,
i remember him tall, fairly broad shouldered.
my grandma : nenek ma,
had a BIG appetite while she was carrying him,
and he came out as BIG as her appetite was.

i guess that added to the grandeur of his intimidating aura.
and he has a good use of it too, his aura.
it served him good being the man he was, where he was. and still is (i think).
a man with power and cash.

sure, everybody was afraid of him,
but they still swarmed him none the less.
asking for financial help to start a business, for this and for that.
and once they got what they wanted?
POOF!!!
them and their business, never to be heard of again,
not until they get in a jam again that is,
and come knocking again at ayah man's door.

kins they were.
relatives, blood tied.
yet they still take him for granted.

and so, his aura served as a good tool for him,
to fend those people off.
kins or not.
or perhaps,
kins especially.

so he doesn't like giving out cash,
but he wasn't stingy with gifts and tools for us to utilate well,
tools to cultivate our potentials.

we were close when i was little,
my family and ayah man's.
and everytime we meet, the first thing ayah man would ask was:
ana, how's school?
tell me what did you learn at school.
what number did you get in the exam?
why didn't you get number 1?

even when he called thru the phone sometimes,
ana, how's school?
tell me what you learned.
what number did you get?
number 2? that's not number 1. why didn't you get number 1?

he was very particular about it,my education.
and i? i didn't like telling him about it.
pressing question for a primary schooler!!!
bwekkk...!!!

ayah man bought me my first computer.
i remember it was an ATARI.
it was my 7th birthday present and that was 21 years ago,
when computers costed a fortune.
told me to learn it.
told me such knowledge was gonna help my future.

when i went to a boarding school when i was 13,
ayah man paid for mak's weekly visits.
the plane tickets, the hotel room.
and when i didn't stop crying,
he told mak that if i wanted out,
he will pay for my learning at a private boarding school nearer to home.
mak asked me to make a choice,
but i'd already like my new home by then,
so i chose to stay put, there in the city of jb.

ayah man paid for all her expenses,
when one of my cousin was sick due to leukemia,
had the doctors of tawakkal give her their best.
she got better for a while, but after a long battle,
my cousin kak ana, she rests with Allah SWT now.

despite his stern, hard approach towards us:
his nieces and nephews,
ayah man pampered papa.
and he pampered nenek ma.

he bought papa a car as a whimsical gift,
installed air conditioning into papa's bedroom.
papa drove the car to pasar the morning he passed away.
the aircond cooled papa as he laid down for a nap his last day with us.
the big screen tv in nenek ma's house was a gift from him.
nenek ma enjoyed watching those rancangan mengaji on rtm.
that was more than 13 years ago.

we know ayah man as a stern uncle.
but we also remember ayah man,
as a good son who took care of his family,
papa and nenek ma especially.

too scared of him,
we'd hide from ayah man,
and we didn't say much to him,
a conversation?
hwahah... we were too chicken for that.
we still are : chickens! tskk!!

but in secret,
me and li'l bro,
we look up to ayah man.
we really do.
even now, we talk about him in utter admiration.
not because we are the niece and nephew of a big business tycoon
but for the fact of how he got himself where he is now,
and for the fact that he was underground about it.
it is he who colored our ambition.

me and li'l bro wanted to be like ayah man.
successful, well resourced and able.
able, to provide our parents all they want and wish for.
able, to provide them a comfortable life in their old age.
able, to cherish them and make them happy.

Surah Al Isra
[17:23]
Noble Quran:
And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him.
And that you be dutiful to your parents.
If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life,
say not to them a word of disrespect,
nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

[17:24]
Noble Quran:
And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say:
"My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small."

did you know?
it is said that, if a person looks with love at his parents,
Allah writes in his favor the reward equal to the performance of one Hajj.
when asked, "will this promise be good if one looks at his parents one hundred times a day?"
The Holy Prophet SAW replied,
"even if one does so a hundred thousand times a day, Allah gives the reward accordingly."

Subhanallah!
look at your parents with love, the reward of one Hajj.
a hundred times a day, the reward of a hundred Hajjs.

now that,
is a luxury i do not possess.
not yet i guess, but i am hoping so much to have in the near future,
Amin!!!

*some of you guys who have that luxury, i sure hope you make full use of it!! jeles taaaaauuuuu!! tskk!!
^-^

Surah Luqman
[31:14]
Noble Quran:
And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents.
His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship,
and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents,
unto Me is the final destination.

[31:15]
But if they (both) strive with you to make you join
in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge,
then obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly,
and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience.
Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do.

we are subjected treat them with kindness.
even if they strive to make you worship other than Him,
obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly.

to THAT extend.
tskk!!!

i have to confess,
that i was not raised in a religious family.
i do not have a religious background.
neither does my mom.
nor ayah man for that fact.

but the love he had shown his parents.
all the good things he did for them.
anything they wanted,
anything they wished,
anything he could provide,
no questions asked.

i saw that as heroic.
i saw that as cool.
i wanted to be as heroic, as cool as he was.
all the wealth, and he used them up for papa and nenek ma.

his being so particular about my studies,
and the wealth he had due to his hard work,
how he spent it for papa and nenek ma,
influenced me to strive hard for my own.

it hit me: my good investments! these are it!
the ones i have never abandoned!
i've put relentless effort in!
education, and striving to make mak happy!

ayah man!
it was him!
who gave me the hints!
taught me to strive at those!
^-^

forever grateful i am,
Alhamdulillah i grew up with him around ^-^

but you know,
it is,
easier said than done: serving our parents.
it gets hard sometimes, nerve wrecking even,
dealing with our parents.
i know, as i have been there.
their expectations,
their pride,
their traditional values and what not.
oh yes, its no easy task.
not easy at all in my case.
i have had my shares of unresolved issues with abah,
and my shares of fights and heated debates with mak.

but 'Ali ibn al-Husain (A.S.) is reported to have said:
"The right of your mother on you
is that you should know that nobody could endure the trouble and the conditions
under which she protected you and nourished you with the juice of her life,
and tried with her heart and soul,
to satisfy all your needs in relation to hunger, thirst, clothes, and such.

She passed sleepless nights, suffering anxieties.
She provided you with shelter against heat and cold,
and protected you from ailments.
It is not possible for you to compensate her,
or thank her enough for all her services,
except that God may give you guidance for that.

The right of your father on you
is that you should know that it is he who brought you into existence,
and you are a branch of the tree of his life."

It is not possible for you to compensate her,
or thank her enough for all her services,
except that God may give you guidance for that.

i know i can never, ever, repay mak and abah
for their unconditional love and care when i was a child,
for all the heartaches i've put them thru as an adult.

hwehhh... our parents,can we ever thank them enough?
for their unconditional service, unconditional love...
their selfless, selfless love...

Allah has commanded us,
first : please and obey Him,
second : our mother,
third : our mother,
fourth : still her,
fifth : our dad.

Allah,
our mom,
our mom,
our mom,
our dad.

the priority have been decreed.
we all know this,
but it also a fact,
that the devil gets the better side of us and we forget sometimes.
yours truly especially, tskk!
Astaghfirullah Al Azim...!!!

but y'know, i've been thinking,
and after what i went thru recently,
i believe, that the Greatness of Unconditional Love,
it comes in the same order:

Allah,
our mom,
our mom,
our mom,
our dad.

please them, and treat them with kindness and respect,
and insyaAllah we will find His Love.
the Greater Love.
the Ultimate Love.
a Love, unimaginable i'd like to think.

i am beginning to believe that this is the first step,
to a quest in finding the love for the sake of Allah.
i hope i find it,
insyaAllah...!!!

so that's my story,
about ayah man.

whatever he desires he can afford to have,
but no matter how high he got himself on top of the ladder,
he never failed to dedicate his wealth for papa and nenek ma.

the man who he taught me to strive.
to strive to please my parents.
to strive to be able to do that.
materially for a start,
and now Alhamdulillah,
with the Grace of Him,
in the ways of Islamic spirituality too.
it all started with ayah man.

someone from my past said something about wealthy people being evil,
when i told him of my ambition. it felt... like he was denying ayah man
and i find the comment as too general, and insensitive.
it was too personal and his comment hurt me.

money is a tool.
its up to the individual really, whether to use it for good or evil deeds.
that is all there is to money.
atleast for me it is.

ayah man,
my long lost uncle i long to meet, actually.
he has given me alot,
and i have been longing to meet him for a long time now,
still unable to figure out where to start.

i hope to meet him again someday,
i hope to thank him for all his kindness,
all he had taught me.
i hope to tell him i look up to him.
if i can, i'd like to do it personally.

i was lost before,
but if those two investments were what led me to His Grace,
then i hope, that ayah man's love and service for papa and nenek ma
will help him find the Love & Mercy of Allah if he hadn't already found it.
Amin... Amin Ya Rabbal Al Aminnn...

till next,
assalamualaikum frens ^-^
& barakallahufi frens ^-^

God's blessings be upon you & your family always, Amin...
kirim salam to your moms and dads eh?
^-^

this entry, its for my mom.

*Hadith Qudsi #3 for next eh?
i just need to write on this for now, i hope you bear with me.

2007-07-19T00:59:00.000+09:00

100th entry!

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim...
Assalamualaikum kawan2... ^-^

sebenarnyer, kalau ikutkan hati nak zzz dah tapi tskkk!!
look at what i found here!!!
i just have to share this with you!
you, you and you!
and you too!
^-^

Subhanallah...!
trully, may Allah shower the person who thought of this doa, mountains of barakah! i got it on the net, so i guess its already out there. some of you might have already come across this one. if so, do accept this as a revision eh?
but Subhanallah! its just so beautiful.
breathtakingly beautiful,
and humbling,
and full of sincerity.

for us all,
who's already a wife,
who's about to become a wife,
and for us who hope to become a wife.
a solehah wife.
^-^

and for you guys,
married or about to marry,
think it'd be a nice idea to teach this one to the love of your life eh?
nyahah!
*mr silvertongue! winky winksss!!!
^-^
... indeed, a very good doa for us all.
^-^

so here it is!

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

Ya Allah,
Ya Rahman,
Ya Rahim,
Kau ampunilah dosa ku yg telah ku lakukan
Kau limpahkanlah aku dengan kesabaran yg tiada batasan
Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan rohani dan jasmani
Kau kurniakanlah aku dengan sifat redha
Kau peliharalah lidahku dari kata-kata nista
Kau kuatkanlah semangatku menempuhi segala cabaran Mu
Kau berikanlah aku sifat kasih sesama insan

Ya Allah,
sekiranya suami ku ini
adalah pilihan Mu di Arash
berilah aku
kekuatan dan keyakinan untuk terus bersamanya

sekiranya suami ku ini
adalah suami yg akan membimbing tanganku dititian Mu
kurniakanlah aku
sifat kasih dan redha atas segala perbuatannya

sekiranya suami ku ini
adalah bidadara untuk ku di Jannah Mu
limpahkanlah aku
dengan sifat tunduk dan tawadhuk akan segala perintahnya

sekiranya suami ku ini
adalah yang terbaik untukku di Dunia Mu
peliharalah tingkah laku
serta kata-kataku dari menyakiti perasaannya

sekiranya suami ku ini jodoh yang dirahmati oleh Mu
berilah aku kesabaran
untuk menghadapi segala kerenah dan ragamnya

tetapi Ya Allah..
sekiranya suami ku
tergoda dengan keindahan dunia Mu,
limpahkanlah aku
kesabaran untuk terus membimbingnya.

sekiranya suami ku
tunduk terhadap nafsu yang melalaikan,
kurniakanlah aku
kekuatan untuk aku memperbetulkan keadaanya.

sekiranya suami ku
menyintai kesesatan,
Kau pandulah aku
untuk menarik dirinya keluar dari terus terlena.

Ya Allah,
Kau yang Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk ku
Kau juga yang Maha Mengampuni segala kesilapan dan ketelanjuranku

sekiranya aku tersilap berbuat keputusan,
bimbinglah aku ke jalan yang Engkau redhai.

sekiranya aku lalai dalam tanggungjawabku sebagai isteri,
Kau hukumlah aku di dunia Mu, dan bukan diakhirat Mu.

sekiranya aku engkar dan derhaka,
berikanlah aku petunjuk kearah rahmat Mu,
Ya Allah.

Sesungguhnya
aku lemah tanpa petunjuk Mu,
aku buta tanpa bimbingan Mu,
aku cacat tanpa hidayah Mu,
aku hina tanpa Rahmat Mu.

Ya Allah,
kuatkan hati dan semangatku,
tabahkan aku menghadapi segala cubaan Mu,
jadikanlah aku isteri yang disenangi suami,
bukakanlah hatiku untuk menghayati agama Mu,
bimbinglah aku menjadi isteri Solehah.

hanya pada Mu Ya Allah,
ku pohon segala harapan.
kerana aku pasrah dengan dugaan Mu,
kerana aku sedar hinanya aku,
kerana aku insan lemah yg kerap keliru,
kerana aku leka dengan keindahan dunia Mu,
kerana kurang kesabaran ku menghadapi cabaran Mu,
kerana pendek akal ku mengharungi ujian Mu..

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku...
Kau tunjukkanlan aku,
jalan yg terbaik untuk aku harungi segala dugaan Mu.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku...
aku hanya ingin menjadi isteri yang dirahmati,
isteri yang dikasihi,
isteri yang solehah,
isteri yang sentiasa dihati suami..

Amin,
Amin Ya Rabbal Al Amin..

insyaAllah, sama2 kita jadikan amalan.
insyaAllah, Allah permudahkan so that we become a wife,
who takes care and love our husband for the sake of Allah,
serve him,
and obey him,
and grow with him,
as solehah as we can be.
(husband to be oso in my case, tskk!)

insyaAllah,
Amin, Amin Ya Rabbal Al Amin...
^-^

so i'll save the 3rd Hadith Qudsi for next time yeh?
tonight, i just can't wait to share with you guys this one.
hok hok hok!
semoga kita semua mendapat berkat & pedoman,
Aaaaaminnnn....

^-^

Jazakumullahu Khairan..
& Barakallahufi kawan2..
^-^

nite2...
zzzzzzzzzzz...

2007-07-16T08:56:00.000+09:00

they gave me an A! ^-^

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim...
Assalamualaikum kawan2... ^-^

yeay yeay yeay yeay...
finally!
a long awaited 3 days weekend!

edri sangat penat edri nak rehattttt...
kalau penat beribadah takpela jugak, ini penat kerje bwekkk...
tak bestest lansungggggg... tsk tsk...

anyway... this is an update timbang kati.
don't say you haven't been warned!
nyeheh!
^-^

ok, so, y'know...
i haven't the experience working back home so,
i don't really know how it works in msia,
but here, the year is divided into 4 quarters :
jan to mar,
apr to jun,
jul to sep,
and finally: oct to dec.
the first 2 quarters are summed up into the first half,
and the remaining : the 2nd half.

we have 6 ranks of employment in the firm :
the lowest rank is rank1; new faces, 2nd year, 3rd year employees etc.
the highest rank would be the rank6; the managers, the tops i guess, i'm not really sure about it. ok, ok, so i'm not concerned about how they rank us teheh.

so its july,
and we've all embarked on the 2nd half of the year.
how time flies! tsk tskk!!

upon entering a new half, whether the first or second, here in this firm where i've been dedicating my days (and nights, sad to say :P) for 2 years, 2 months and 2nd weeks now, we will be evaluated, to determine how much bonus we're gonna get, and where we're heading next.

ok, so the system works like this:
we evaluate ourselves, reflect on the plans we made the half before, and see how much we have achieved. we rate ourselves and then write out the plans for the next half. it could be sales numbers, or new skills to learn etc. after that, our supervisors will evaluate our achievements and plans, and rate us according to them. the final rating will be the average of the 3 rates given (my rate + my supervisor's + my manager's all divided by 3). and lastly, we will be interviewed, or rather we will sit with our supervisors and discuss about our achievements and plans. our supervisors will comment on the progress we have or haven't made and give advices and so on.

so it was my turn for evaluation the other day.
and i sat there, kinda squirmy in my seat, i really am not comfortable dealing with such sessions. i just can't take the pressure tskk!! the heart thumping nerve wrecking minutes waiting to be evaluated, kyaaaa!!! tak best lansung tuuu...

so she asked me what my 2 cents were on my performance last term.
told her my honest opinion, i wasn't doing as good as i should.
i mean, ok, i fainted on the way to work last last year, and then, due to my unstable private life, i've been taking alot of leave, and due to my new task as the appointed ae for S Corp, i wasn't able to carry out my plan as i intended. my plans all went kaput! the numbers, training sessions, everything!
but?
she begged to differ.
hoila?? am i hearing right?
gave her a confused face, i did.
and she laughed, and tried to convince me that she was serious.
hohoh?

so she explained again,
said that all in all, they think i've grown as they have expected i would. my unability to carry out my plans couldn't be help as they think, it was their throwing a new task in my lap that resulted to that. my supervisor they thought i accepted the new task gracefully, and adapted well and although my task don't really sum up directly into numbers, it led to customer's trust that new orders and agreements are made even that very minute.

ohoh?

what's more surprising was, the thing they took much under attention was how i never gave a negative answer or a sour face when someone would throw me a task. they said i never frowned. they must've missed that huh? they said, my positive attitude should be praised. and they gave me an A, and i'll be raised to rank2 and be given a raise come next term. hohoh? blehhhhhhh???? sesenyum jek pun bleh naik gaji meh? tsk tsk...

Alhamdulillahhhhhh...
i guess we'll never know how people see us,
we'll never know what people see when they look at us huh?
things we think are petty,
to some poeple these aren't such insignificant qualities.
Subhanallah,
Maha Suci Allah,
if He wills it then any reason would suffice.
Controller of Hearts,
indeed He is the All Knowing,
the Al-Mighty,
He.
^-^

well, actually, i have been doing some calculating.
i wanted so bad to go home for good by october, butttttt!!
edri orang mishkinnnn...
tak cukup duet nak shewa kontena nak hangkut baranggg...
bayar duet kuar umah segala huk huk!

my mind was, eylaaaa... cemane nihhhh...
wanna go back lehhhh... but cannot go back lehhhh...
so after the evaluation, and learning i'll be getting a raise come next term i called my mom. told her about things and asked for her opinion.

mak kata, takpelah... take it one at a time cuz of you're coming back in october its like such a rush. take it slowly, tak larinyer rumah... kenkawan pun tak lari mana... pegi jejalan kat jepun tu dulu... selama ni lansung tak gi jalan asek simpan duet jer... kang dah balik kang dah susah nak gi sana balek... nanti kang masa kak na dah nak balek kang bleh la mak gi sana, kak na bawak mak jalan2... then pas kak na balek sini, seblom masuk keje kita gi umrah sama2, dgn akim sama sebab akim muhrim, kak na nak?

eyla mak ku sayanggggg....
meshtila naaaakkkkkk...!!!
^-^

hya hya hyaaaaa...
sangat suka tauuuu!
^-^

the following day i messaged koops, told her to decide about the stroller she wants soon and we ended up chatting the night and updated her about things.

koops and my mom actually thinks alike y'know...
how alike?
ok so koops would say one thing and i'd go back and tell my mom. and before i'd get to the part where i'd tell mak what koops' comments were, my mom would already blurt out the same thing koops said! and i'd go, "makkkk!!! koops pun cakap mende yang sama!" and my mom would say dengan muka terharu "kak naaa... mak rasa mak geng la dengan koops, kak na cakap ngan koops tau! mak geng ngan dia!"
^-^

and Alhamdulillahhhh...
this too, was not an exception.
koops agreed with my mom ^-^
duit gaji yang lebih tu simpan, soh pegi umrah, pegi ziarah.
^-^

and with their support, edri takdela kuak lentang tetengah malam atas katil
dok pikir pasal duit nak balik msia lagi dahhhhhh...

abesh citerrrr...
^-^

tokyo have entered its annual rainy season,
and my! Allah's rain have helped the hydrangeas bloom beautifully!
only, the laundry haven't been able to dry up lah kan.
but?
hujan mana yang tak reda,
after typhoon #4 have left the japanese island,
although the wave are still strong and high,
the sky is beautifully bright today!
that means?
laundry day for edri!
and tidying up the house too ^-^
umah cantek,
bersih,
smelling like rose to welcome the angels ^-^
insyaAllah, Aminnnnn...!

3 days weekend,
Alhamdulillah for that! ^-^

okeh, so here is the 2nd Hadith Qudsi i promised to share in the last entry ^-^ let us read and ponder upon it. may we all be reminded insyaAllahhhhh... ^-^

Hadith Qudsi 2:

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him),
who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:

Allah Almighty has said:
The son of Adam denied Me and he had no right to do so.
And he reviled Me and he had no right to do so.

As for his denying Me, it is his saying:
He will not remake me as He made me at first (*)
- and the initial creation [of him] is no easier for Me than remaking him.

As for his reviling Me, it is his saying:
Allah has taken to Himself a son, while I am the One, the Everlasting Refuge.
I begot not nor was I begotten, and there is none comparable to Me.

(*) i.e. bring me back to life after death.

- related by Al-Bukhari (also by An-Nasa'i).

Astaghfirullah Al Azim,
us human and our arrogance.
forgetting the Here After, but Allah has no difficulty ressurrecting us for the Judgement Day.

He made us, blew life into us, He knows us to the root of each of our cells,
He is aware of the electrical impulses and chemical signals that flows through the branches of our synapses, the thoughts that flows through our minds, the feelings and emotions in our hearts, the niyyah in all our deeds.
lest we forget, all will be accounted.
it does not comes hard for Him to do so.
He owns us, and 'tis only Him do we belong to.

and claiming that He has taken a son, associating Him to human like qualities,
when He had clearly stated in Surah Al-Ikhlas (Sincerety) :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

112.1 : Qul Huwa-Allahu Ahad

Yusuf Ali: Say: He is Allah, the One and Only;
Noble Quran: Say (O Muhammad (Peace be upon him)): "He is Allah, (the) One."
M.Pickthal: Say: He is Allah, the One!
Mohd. Shakir: Say: He, Allah, is One.

112:2 : Allahu Samad

Yusuf Ali: Allah, the Eternal, Absolute;
Noble Quran: "Allah-us-Samad
(The Self-Sufficient Master, Whom all creatures need, He neither eats nor drinks)."
M.Pickthal: Allah, the eternally Besought of all!
Mohd. Shakir: Allah is He on Whom all depend.

112:3 : Lam Yalid Walam Yuu Lad

Yusuf Ali: He begetteth not, nor is He begotten;
Noble Quran: "He begets not, nor was He begotten;"
M.Pickthal: He begetteth not nor was begotten.
Mohd. Shakir: He begets not, nor is He begotten.

112:4 : Walam Yakullahu Kufuwan Ahad

Yusuf Ali: And there is none like unto Him.
Noble Quran: "And there is none co-equal or comparable unto Him."
M.Pickthal: And there is none comparable unto Him.
Mohd. Shakir: And none is like Him.

Al-Ikhlas,
is not merely the name of this Surah but also the title of its contents,
for it deals exclusively with Tauhid.
The other Surahs of the Quran generally have been designated after a word occurring in them, but in this Surah the word Ikhlas has occurred nowhere.

It has been given this name in view of its meaning and subject matter.
Whoever understands it and believes in its teaching,
will get rid of shirk(polytheism) completely.

This Surah teaches Tauhid, pure and undefiled.
Therefore, the Holy Prophet (upon whom he Peace) regarded it as,
equal to one-third of the Quran.

A tradition on the authority of Hadrat Aishah has been related in Bukhari, Muslim and other collections of the Ahadith, saying that the Holy Prophet sent a man as leader of an expedition.

During the journey he concluded his recitation of the Quran in every Prayer with Qul Huwa-Allahu Ahad. On their return him companions mentioned this before the Holy Prophet.

He said: "Ask him why he did so."

When the man was asked, he replied:
"In this Surah the attributes of the Merciful God have been stated;
therefore, I love to recite it again and again."

When the Holy Prophet heard this reply, he said to the people:
"Inform him that Allah holds him in great love and esteem."

A similar incident has been related in Bukhari, on the authority of Hadrat Anas.
He says:

"A man from among the Ansar led the Prayers in the Quba Mosque. His practice was that in every rak'ah he first recited this Surah and then would join another Surah to it.

The people objected to it and said to him:
"Don't you think that Surah Ikhlas is by itself enough?
Why do you join another Surah to it?
You should either recite only this surah,
or should leave it and recite some other Surah."

He said:
"I cannot leave it, I would rather give up leadership in the Prayer, if you so desired."

The people did not approve that another man be appointed leader instead of him.
At last, the matter was brought before the Holy Prophet.

He asked the man,
"What prevents you from conceding what your companions desire?
What makes you recite this particular Surah in every rak'ah?"

The man replied:
"I have great love for it."

The Holy Prophet remarked:
"Your this love for this Surah has earned you entry into Paradise."

-reference

the above reference said it all,
of Allah, The One,
and the zat of Surah Al-Ikhlas.

may we be guided,
may we be reminded,
may He wills it that we find the right path,
may He wills it that we be on the right path,
may He wills it that we stay on the right path,
insyaAllah,
Amin, Amin Ya Rabbal Al Aminnn...
^-^

*
tskkk!! an earthquake just accured in niigata as i was updating.
Alhamdulillah, its just a mild after shock here in tokyo,
i just hope things aren't that bad in niigata, Amin...

**
haiyo edri, punye panjang entry...
lenkali bleh update slalu2 tak?
so that entry tak berjela2 cam ni? hoh?
ish ish ishhhh!!!

2007-07-03T22:47:00.000+09:00

relearning

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim,
& Assalamualaikum kawan2 ^-^

recent comment from koops :
ALHAMDULILLAH... and u gave me a fright with the hadiths and translations!!!!
Ya Allah... u must have read a WHOLE lot babe!!!

nyeheh!
koops nihhh... malu la sayeeeee...

teheheh, it is, funny i guess,
how my priorities and interests changed 180 degrees in a fortnight.
am i THAT upredictable?
am i THAT whimsical?
am i THAT fickle?

quick definitions :
upredictable
adjective:
impossible to foretell
unknown in advance
not occurring at expected times
Example: "An unpredictable (or indeterminable) future"

whimsical
adjective:
determined by chance or impulse or whim rather than by necessity or reason
Example: "The victim of whimsical persecutions"

fickle
adjective:
marked by erratic changeableness in affections or attachments
Example: "Fickle friends"

so am i THAT :
unpredictable?
i guess.
well if you cover my basic thinking foundations, i am not THAT unpredictable,
but i hide it well so i guess,
i AM pretty unpredictable to the majority.

whimsical?
i used to be, yes.
i was a person who was ruled by chance, and by impulses.
but now?
alhamdulillah,
since i hit the last half of my twenties,
my judgments are colored by necessity and reason.

how about, fickle?
nyeheh! this one i know for sure!
and it comes with a stamp on my forehead! ^-^
the answer would be no,
my affection don't change direction as easy as i sometimes hope it would.
sometimes i feel it would be easier if i was but alhamdulillah,
so far, Allah had willed it that once i've loved you,
i'll love you always,
nyahah! ^-^

hey, that's why we're still frens right girls?
and we're in love with each other aren't we not?
^-^

and i still love cik kak, and my sweetheart, and lufo too...
no less than i did 10 years ago, yep!

speaking of loving you people no less,
sadly, the same also applies the other way around :
i love some people no more than i initially did.

that's why i guess,
that i'm the heart breaker some guys thinks that i am.
and they're right cuz...
i am,
guilty as convicted.
tskk!!

the guys who got involved and took good care of me,
i love them still,
as good friends,
no less,
and yes, no more than that.

sadly, and tiring as it is,
no matter how hard i try to,
i fail miserably each and every time,
which then led to my guilt of not being able to love them as much as they did me.
i couldn't love them more than a friend does another,
and with my terrible guilt,
break ups resulted.
tskkk!!

so, have i never loved?
like head over feet kinda love?
owhhh...
there's an exception and you people who knows the story would know,
how i struggled to unlove and failed, tskkk!!!

anyway,
i don't try anymore,
to unlove,
or to hate in order to not love.
right now, i'm just... trying to accept what Allah had willed.
i just wanna carry out the tasks He has for me the best way possible,
that's all.
insyaAllahhhh, Aminnnn!!!
^-^

and so back to the topic,
yeahhhh...
i've been readingggggg...
not alottttt...
but bleh laaaaa... ^-^

so i thought maybe i'd share with you some of the things i learned.
^-^
insyaAllah,
may Allah show us His Light and keep us on His Straight Path,
Aminnn... ^-^

Hadith Qudsi
(Sacred Hadith)

Hadith Qudsi are
the sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon him)
as revealed to him by the Almighty Allah.
Hadith Qudsi (or Sacred Hadith) are so named because,
unlike the majority of Hadith which are Prophetic Hadith,
their authority (Sanad) is traced back not to the Prophet but to the Almighty.

the difference between Hadith Qudsi and The Holy Qur'an:
Among the many definitions given by the early scholars to Sacred Hadith
is that of as-Sayyid ash-Sharif al-Jurjani (died in 816 A.H.)
in his lexicon At-Tarifat where he says:

"A Sacred Hadith is,
as to the meaning, from Allah the Almighty;
as to the wording, it is from the messenger of Allah (peace be upon him).
It is that which Allah the Almighty
has communicated to His Prophet through revelation or in dream,
and he (Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon him),
has communicated it in his own words.
Thus Qur'an is superior to it because,
besides being revealed,
it is His words."

there are 40 Hadith Qudsi,
and i will share them with you one by one by God's will,
insyaAllah...
( or you can search engine them if you like ^-^ )

Hadith Qudsi 1:
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him),
who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
'When Allah decreed the Creation,
He pledged Himself by writing in His book which is laid down with Him:
"My mercy prevails over my wrath."'

- related by Muslim (also by Al-Bukhari, An-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah).

i've been reading this hadith, and have been digging to find its meaning.
it is clearly beautiful, how Allah is indeed,
the Most Merciful that He pledged over Himself that,
His Mercy is much more abundant and stronger than His Wrath.
His Love for His Slaves,
and He gives it for free.
whatever more could we ask?

Rasulullah SAW also said,
"Allah has divided mercy into 100 parts, and He retained with Him 99 parts, and sent down to earth 1 part. Through this one part creatures deal with one another with compassion, so much so that an animal lifts its hoof over its young lest it should hurt it."

- related by Al-Bukhari

Allah's Mercy,
can we ever comprehend It?
the Divinity of It,
can we ever be able to wrap our heads around the concept?
for He,
had pledged to Himself
that His Mercy prevails over His Wrath.

Subhanallah!
beautiful isn't it?
tsk tsk...

let us be reminded,
that Allah remembers us,
as He watches over us,
it is we, who fail to remember Him at all times.

it makes me think how sometimes,
when we want something so bad,
He gives it to us,
on the spot on rare occasions,
after a period of time most of the time,
but He does,
gives us what we want,
but when He does,
proud and foolish that i was,
i turn away.

it is me,
who don't see how He had given it,
it is me,
who take His Mercy and His Gifts for granted.

i was unthankful.

Ya Allah,
forgive me i beg of You,
forgive me.

let us take some time,
right this very minute,
to supplicate and remember and thank Allah right this very moment.

sama2 kita doa ye kawan2?
^-^

2007-06-19T21:07:00.000+09:00

controller of hearts

Astaghfirullah Al Azimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......!!!!
tskkk!!!
bila nak update?
hahaaaa... a very good question indeed missy koops, tskkk!!!

Astagfirullah Al Azim...
Astagfirullah Al Azim...
Astagfirullah Al Azim...

work,
has been crazy and has been eating up my days,
my energy!!!
tskkk!!!

anyway, first and foremostly...
sebagai seorang saudara muslimah, lemme first greet all you good people,
assalamualaikum kenkawannnnn! ^-^

*koops, cinta, petsis, ros, mamod, zazoo...
i miss you guys laaaaaa... tsk tsk...

there's sooooooo much i've been meaning to share,
so inilah cerita...
cerita kerja... :P
*could be a long entry, bear with me yeah?

since i've been appointed to be the dedicated ae for S Corp,
i've been attending...
meetings,
and meetings
and meetings.

*think of it like this:
sucks
and sucks
and sucks
pffttt! :P

most of the time the member would include :
us, the distributor : the P people,
and then there will be the supplier : the X people,
and then the customer : the people of S.

so the other day,
i was on an outstation,
attending, but another meeting.

there were 16 of us,
and like always,
there i sat,
the only female in the room.
kyaa!!!! intimidating!!!!
or rather;
kyaa!!!! sucks!!!!

2 americans were there,
they were the big tops of quality control
and they came all the way from the san jose,
where the X big office is.

so i sat there,
smiled,
smiled,
exchanged greetings,
exchanged business cards with the customers,
and smiled,
and smiled summore,
and listened,
and laughed a little during some funny friendly moments.

one of the san jose people was indian american, mrAbhay.
he was explaining to the people of S about their flow of quality control.
and then near the end of it, was the success stories.
*its like a promo, show off session something like that :P

as usual Xchips are in automotive... broadcast... data processing and storage... computers... consumer goods... communications...
and then, defense.

without even being asked,
mrAbhay confessed about where the Xchips are in used defense.
he mentioned US military's combat missile as an example.
what he said was something like this,
"yeah, we do make products that contributes to the war in iraq.
some people hate us, but hey, its good business!"

and i sat there,
looked at him and my mind was like...
"ha-haaaa... eff you mrAbhay,
easy for you to say its good business when you're not running around a broken town,
trying to avoid falling debris from falling and cracking your head :P"
and
"damn do i need to get out of this business,
i smell blood on my hands!!! tskkk!!!"

in person, mrAbhay was nice actually.
but his comment was...
i don't know...
it was a selfish comment and i didn't like it.

after mrAbhay gave his presentation,
it was the other american, mrMazouni's turn to give out his.

after the meeting ended and the customers were gone,
us, the P people exchanged business cards with the american suppliers.

when came my turn to exchange cards with mrMazouni,
i give out my line as usual:
"hi my name is adriana, i'm an ae for P Corp.
very nice to meet you, mrMazouni."
*followed by a BIG BIG SMILE

and then he said?
"nice to meet you too adriana, ASSALAMUALAIKUM"
*followed by a BIG BIG SMILE

i was surprised!
his name was very foreign to my ears,
and he looked very much caucasian,
he took me by surprise,
and knocked the wind out of me, tskk!!!

my mind scrambled frantically but, Alhamdulillah...
i managed to give a quick response:
"...WAALAIKUMSALAM"
*followed by a BIG BIG SMILE ^-^

aside from mrAbhay's comment that made me squirmed in my seat...
Subhanallah!
now do i get it!!!
the Wise, Wise Knowledge of Allah!!!
^-^

that was when i realized about one of the wonders of hijab.
since i've been relearning,
and returning to become a practising muslimah,
Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Al Amin,
by Allah's Mercy and Grace,
i've been allowed to actually feel and realize the wonders of wudhuk,
and the adornment of hijab, among others.

living on this island, the air does get crispy and dry most of the time,
well, all the time except during summer that is :P
i try my best to take care of my skin
but work and fatigue does get in the way from time to time.

but since march, i got to experience how wudhuk 5 times a day,
provides the skin the moisture it needs ^-^
by doing that, the skin it does get more softer,
and moisture does help sustain it elasticity.

and hijab,
and covering my aurah?

my hair and skin gets protection now,
from the unsparing merciless uv rays ^-^

to think that i'd see the results in such a short time!
hair ends dont crack anymore,
and my favourite one: how soooo soft the cuticles gets!
no, really!
^-^

Alhamdulillaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh....
indeed, Allah is Most Wise, All-Knowing.
^-^

well those are among the good things i've learned
and experienced about living the islamic way,
but it never did cross my mind about this.

i did read it on islamic sites,
in the Al Qur'an transliterations,
but i never did get it i guess.

maybe Allah wanted me to experience it first hand that He did not will it for me to understand through documents or hearsays. maybe i was too dumb or too blind.
Wallahu Alam.

before this, i used to think that wearing hijab would invite prejudice of the judgmentals,
and oh how i so hated to be judged...

but MasyaAllah,
by Allah's Merciful Will,
i understand it now, that hijab announces that we are muslimahs
and differentiate us from others.
it makes it easier for our mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters in faith to recognize us,
to extend and share our beautiful greeting :
"السلام عليكم"
Assalamualaikummm
(may peace be upon youuu)

Subhanallah, what kind revelation that was!
^-^

have i not worn hijab, mrMazouni wouldn't have recognize me as a sister ^-^

another one of Allah's Mighty Mercy i rediscovered is, tskkk...
koops, cinta, petsis, ros, mamod, yanz, delliya, yassir, helmi, najem, ubik...
and all of you guys out there,
you guys humble me,
you guys make me cry, tskk...!

Alhamdulillah,
lately, i have been receiving numerous emails and messages over at hotmail and friendster,
and not to forget comments over here and at the fotopages.
all full of advices, and support if not some comfortable "assalamualaikum, how are you?"s
and catching up ^-^

Subhanallah,
Subhanallah...

kak masdee especially, my senior from hi-skool.
i didn't have the chance to be close with back then, but am i glad that we both went to the same skool!
^-^

kak masdee dearest,
you'd never guess how much your email suddenly appearing in my hotmail account mean to me ^-^ the stories of your experiences, past and present, your advices and your forwards,
thank you kak masdee.
you are trully, a srikandi.
i mean it!!! ^-^

i hope to be where you are now,
i hope i'll find love for the sake of Allah,
and i hope i'll be able to be a mother,
to my own muslimins and muslimahs,
and raise them in the way of Allah Subhana Wa Taala,
insyaAllah...
Amin...!
^-^

as i have wrote in my last email,
i can never repay you for your good and righteous deed,
Barakallahufi kak masdee,
and Jazakillahukhairan.

i pray that Allah showers you with barakah
and bestows upon you all goodness in this life,
and the here after,
Aminnn... ^-^

and the same to all of you too,
i can never ever repay all of you for your kind advices, your kind words, kind support...
thank you, thank you so much.
i am constantly humbled... tskk!!!

Barakallahufi & Jazakumullahukhairan frens,
Amin, Amin Ya Rabbal Al Amin... ^-^

indeed,
Allah the controller of hearts,
as He had stated in surah Al Imran:
[3:102]
O you who believe!
Fear Allah (by doing all that He has ordered and by abstaining from all that He has forbidden)
as He should be feared. (Obey Him, be thankful to Him, and remember Him always),
and die not except in a state of Islam (as Muslims)
with complete submission to Allah.

[3:103]
And hold fast, all of you together, to the Rope of Allah (i.e. this Quran),
and be not divided among yourselves, and remember Allahs Favour on you,
for you were enemies one to another but He joined your hearts together,
so that, by His Grace, you became brethren (in Islamic Faith),
and you were on the brink of a pit of Fire, and He saved you from it.
Thus Allah makes His Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.,)
clear to you, that you may be guided.

and Surah Al Anfal:
[8:61]
And if they incline to peace, then incline to it [also] and rely upon Allah.
Indeed, it is He who is the Hearing, the Knowing.

[8:62]
But if they intend to deceive you then sufficient for you is Allah.
It is He who supported you with His help and with the believers

[8:63]
And brought together their hearts.
If you had spent all that is in the earth,
you could not have brought their hearts together;
but Allah brought them together.
Indeed, He is Exalted in Might and Wise.

[8:64]
O Prophet, sufficient for you is Allah and for whoever follows you of the believers.

Subhanallah,
indeed,
Allah is,
the controller of hearts.

y'know,
there were lotsa lessons Allah had made me learn along my 27 and 2 months of living
on this earth of His. the trials He had me face, by my good fortunes
and by my bad fortunes, but the one thing that made an impact on me,
that led to my current state of Islamic awareness...

He did not make me see by calamity,
but by showing me His Power and Might...

He made me see that i was not in charge,
i was not in control of my own heart.
i thought i did,
but He had showed me i was not.
how small i was in the Hands of Allah...

there was this one thing i have put my mightiest effort to achieve,
it concerned my heart,
it concerned love and it concerned hate.

for 6 years since 2001, i have dedicated my effort.
i tried to hate a person with all my might, and i tried to love another,
but Allah Al-Mighty,
i do believe that if we put effort,
Allah will grant His slave the thing his slave desired.
in my case, Merciful that He is,
most of the time, He did grant me my desires.

but regarding this one matter,
He said No.

and when He says No,
then no amount of effort can change that.

if it was 'Be' He said,
then 'Be' it will,
and no amount of effort can change that.

that was how He mended me,
that was how He made me see.

i have always believed in Qada' and Qadar,
most of the time when it concerns death or natural calamities.
matters that was out of our human hands.
matters other than that,
i needed convincing.

Allah has entrusted us with free will, an amanah from Him.
there were signs and i have seen glimpses of the light before,
it came with my good fortunes, it came with my bad fortunes,
there were a few precious moments that i saw the glimpses in His slaves.
but each and every time,
i was proud,
and i turned away.

this time,
i do not want to do that anymore.
Allah gave us the amanah of free will,
and He allows us to choose,
not all the time, but He does permits us to choose.
i chose wrong everytime.

but this time,
i do not want to go against Him.
i do not want to challenge him,
i do not want to be intoxicated with pride anymore.

He created me and i am His slave,
i wanna stay true on His path and no other.

we can choose,
and we can put effort,
for years even!
*believe me i have tried that tsk!!!
but in the end, Allah decides.

Allah decides.
and we?
we submit.

after all,
Islam,
it means total submission to Allah right?
Islam means total surrender of one's self to Allah,
and muslims means one who submits to Allah.
^-^

Alhamdulillah...
Allah The Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
He had made me see,
He had made it easier for me now.
^-^

please, please don't get me wrong.
i don't mean to be riak.
i just hope i can share my experience here,
and insyaAllah,
maybe,
i could help my brothers and sisters who haven't find the light yet,
cuz hey, i've been there.
believe me, i've been there.
i wish i didn't, but i know what its like... tskk!!!

if there is any advice i can give to anyone,
it would be,
please, do not lose the faith,
please, supplicate and ask for help,
and please, never fear the Mercy of Allah.

Allah said in Surah Az Zumar:
[39:53]
Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning],
do not despair of the mercy of Allah.
Indeed, Allah forgives all sins.
Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."

[39:54]
And return [in repentance] to your Lord
and submit to Him before the punishment comes upon you;
then you will not be helped.

i do believe,
that we are of one ummah.
i am your sister as you are my brother, my sister in faith.
we love and look out for one another.

as Rasulullah had said:
"The Muslims (the Ummah) are like the limbs of a man,
where if the eye hurts the whole body feels pain
and if the head hurts, the whole body feels pain and suffering."
-narrated by Nu'man ibn Bashir (RadiAllahu Anhu)

kan?
^-^

so itulah ceritaaaaa...
panjang tak panjang entry nih :P
hahaaaaaa... sape sroh peram lama2???

anyway,
thanks frens,
for everything
^-^

you maybe a silent reader and i may not know you,
but Barakallahufi,
Jazakumullahukhairan,
& Assalamualaikum peeps!

see you soon,
insyaAllahhhhhh!!!!!!!

p/s: zazoo, koops, noreq...
thank you soooo much for helping me with the resume.
tak siap lagi tapi, tskkk!!!
zazoo ko nyer resume power gila, i'm terribly intimidated la beb! >_<

insyaAllah,
i will try my best! write a good resume!
if Allah wills it cepatla siap, kalau tak lambat la sket
but i will try my best and then send it out here and there!!!

*nak balek keje kat msiaaaa... tskk!!!

kenkawan ku sayang, thank youuuuuuuuuu...
Ya Allah Ya Tuhan ku,
balaslah budi2 baik kawan2 ku ini,
rahmatilah mereka,
peliharalah mereka sentiasa Ya Allah,
Aminnnnn...!!!!

2007-05-26T16:46:00.000+09:00

bila nak kawen?

assalamualaikum...
may Peace and the Mercy of Allah and His Blessings be upon you my frens!
^-^

my i-so-love-her! good friend, li'l miss easydent had written an entry about an issue we both are struggling with ^-^ she got a whole lotta response over the subject and they're all so funny!
i was giggling the whole while!
^-^

it's gonna be a ciplak and it won't be original but,
i thought i'd share it over here.
(bleh eh cinta? blehla, blehla, blehlaaaaa... nyeheh!)

issue:
melayan soalan2 dari macik2 yang sangatlah caring & bertimbang rasa

example 1:
Q : "bila nak kawen?"
A : "cuti sekolah."
Q : "cuti sekolah tengah tahun ni ke, ujung tahun?"
A : "tak tau lagi. tapi cuti sekolah la."
and then buat muka bodoh and chow chin chow.

example 2:
Q : "bila nak kawen?"
A : "laa... macik tak ingat ke, yang macik tepung tawar haritu tu sape... takkan dah nyanyuk kot..."

example 3:
Q : "bila nak kawen?"
A : "iisssh makcik nie, tunggu saya habis UPSR dulu la."

example 4:
Q : "bila nak kawen?"
A : "tak taula makcik, suami macik tak kata apa lagi."

example 5:
Q : "bila nak kawen?"
A : "makcik nak derma lembu ke?"

ahahaks!

and, i got this one from shz,
when rakan2 sebaya yang caring dan bertimbang rasa bertanya:

Q : "bila nak kawen?"
A : "SHADAP YU."

nyeheheh!
^-^

anywayyyyy...
ini ada satu cerita.
tajuk cerita ini ialah:
cerita bunga2 ros dan sebentuk cincin.

the month was april,
about a week after the girl had turned 28,
when the boy had come to visit.

the girl was surprised when she saw he had a big bouquet of blood red roses with him.

there were 12 stems of roses, one of them was pink.
he said that the pink one is the most special among the other roses,
the pink rose was the girl.

she smiled, accepted the bouquet
and said thank you.

that was when he got down on his knees
and presented her with a ring,
and pulled out a letter
and started reading it aloud.

he said he wished the girl hadn't went thru what she did.
he said maybe if she'd pursue to be a doctor rather than an engineer
she wouldn't have to go thru 30k debt worth of hell like she did.

but he was glad that the girl chose the island of the rising sun, that she enrolled to the same university as him, and that they met.

he said he was glad that the girl had to go thru hell before,
because if not, he wouldn't have the chance to help and woo her,
and they wouldn't have ended up together.
eventhough they are separated now,
he was glad they happened.

he said he will try to be the man the girl deserved,
the best man there is for her.

and then he asked for her hand in marriage.
he told her, his family was on standby to meet her mom and ask for an engagement.

tssk!

she thought hard.
and let out a long sigh.
told him no,
told him not to send his family to see her mom.

she was on a quest to find God,
on a quest to find herself.
told him she was not in a mental state to decide.
she told him no.

she told him that she has to find God first,
love Him first, above every other things,
and then,
maybe,
just maybe,
He will send her His Grace,
and open her heart,
and give her the ability to love again,
only and solely,
for the sake of Allah.

she told him to find God too.
pray and ask for His Mercy, His Help,
told him to build a strong connection with Allah.
she asked him love Him first, above every other things,
and then,
maybe,
just maybe,
he could love her solely for the sake of Allah,
and then,
maybe,
Allah would make her see that,
and insyaAllah,
they could marry only for the sake of Allah,
and nothing else but Allah.

she apologized and gave him back the ring.
he said its okay, told her to keep it and left.

they're good friends now.
they try to share what little knowledge they re-discovered about Islam,
and remind each other of prayer times.

insyaAllah, if God wills it,
then they will be.

no matter how hard she tries to love him,
and no matter how hard he tries to woo her,
if God wills it not,
then it will not be.

she hopes he tries for the sake of Allah,
and not because he wants her as a wife.
she hopes her niyyah : solely for the sake of Allah stays intact.

so for now, when people ask...

orang :
bila nak kawen?
edri :
bila Allah bukak hati edri kawenlaaa...
doakan edri jumpa dengan orang yang berimannnn...
sayang edri kerana Allah,
edri pun sayang dia kerana Allah,
and kitorang kawen pun semata2 kerana Allah.
yeh?

insyaAllah, Aminnnnnnnnnnnnn......!!!!!!!!

^-^

for now, let me share with you this prayer :

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim.

Ya Allah,
by Your Knowledge of the unseen,
and Your Power over creation,
keep me alive so long as You know such life to be good for me
and take me if You know death to be better for me.

Ya Allah,
make me fearful of You
whether in secret or in public,
and i ask You
to make me true in speech, in times of pleasure and anger.
i ask You
to make me moderate, in times of wealth and poverty,
and i ask You
for everlasting bliss and joy, which will never cease.

i ask You
to make me be pleased with what You have decreed
and for an easy life after death.
i ask You
for the sweetness of looking upon Your Face
and a longing to encounter You in a manner
which does not entail a calamity
which will bring about harm nor a trial
which will cause deviation.

Ya Allah,
beautify us with adornment of faith
and make us of those who guides
and those who are rightly guided.

Amin.

assalamualaikum kawan2!
^-^

2007-05-17T17:16:00.000+09:00

Subject: SEP for those who forgets

assalamualaikum frens,
i hope you are all well under His grace ^-^
Aminnnn...!

the other day, my li'l bro's good fren, Sam left a comment on my frenster profile :
heard from akim kak ana is coming back for good. if so, welcome back.
Jom kak ana, kita "SEP", kalau ada rezeki, i'll be going to Japan plak, for at least 3 years begining mid 2008.

"SEP"?
wassat?
wat's "SEP"?

so i replied la on his profile :
eh wat's "SEP"??

no, seriously,
what is "SEP" eh?
SEPtember? SEPuluh?
Society of Excited P... P... Penyamun?

today,
i got a friendster message from him:

Subject: SEP for those who forgets
Message:
kak ana, "SEP" mcm... "chop", "twit".
SEP dalam kamus budak2 maknanya "to pass, to tap, to exhange positions;
e.g. "ko dah mati la! tadi aku dah SEP ko la!",

haa... ingat tak?
ni vocab budak2.
kalau tak jugak... memang dah makcik la tu...
isk isk isk...
kitorg pakai lagi vocab ni, sbb kitorang semua masih kiut!

ahaks!
MasyaAllahhh... how can i forget???
seppp!!! chopppp!!! tuitttt!!!
ahahaks!
terok betol la.
bahasa budak2 pun i cannot paham,
now how to go back and work di bumi Malaysia tercinta???

tskkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks for reminding me Sam! ^-^

*arghhhhhh!!!!!!! machik dah tuaaaaaaaaa....
srikandi, bila nak main galah panjang kat netball court??
^-^

2007-05-12T01:00:00.000+09:00

officially over

officially over it is,
the final day of the week.
hari berkat, hari jumaat.
^-^

5th day since coming into office after a week break from all the world of semiconductors and FPGAs.
hwahh...
i wish i could stay away longer...
>_<

it was monday when i stepped into office, with my hijab and all ^-^
seniors, colleagues came in and glanced twice,
but nobody broke the silence.
nobody said nothing.
funny that was!

its like;
ok... we all know something is funny here,
but no way i'm gonna be the one to ask first.

an exception of course!
the leader of the Broad Base Team, mrKoba.
he wailed out loud that he was seeing double and wonders aloud about what the hell happened ^-^
i pretended he wasn't referring to me ^-^

after the monday morning quick meeting & announcement session,
mrKoba came by my desk and asked:
"dousyitano?"
what happened?
"daijyoubu ka, omae?"
are you ok?

i couldn't help but laugh.
i shrugged "ime-chen shita no"
i'm changing my image.
^-^

he had this face of relief and said,
"nanda... sore no koto ka yo?"
lohhh... is that what's this is about?

he then asked, am i gonna maintain my hijab.
i said yes, and he said "i see".
^-^

mrKoba was satisfied and left,
when sis nana turned around (she sits behind me)
and asked me with a smiley face, "how was your break?"
told her it was great and she said she was glad
^-^
sis nana knew before hand that i was gonna cover up after the holidays so...
^-^

people who knew what was going on with me before the hols supports my change.
people who didn't?
most of them went about as if nothing happened,
before coming to ask when they see a chance to talk in private ^-^
i either tell them that i'm having a change of image, or i had a change of heart ^-^
some of them asks more.
so i tell them a little bit of why and they get a glance of Islam ^-^

some leaves perplexed,
some leaves satisfied.

another senior i'm good with asked,
"so how many people have asked?"
i told him, "alot".
he said,
"ok, i guess you've had enuff huh, i'll ask you another day."
^-^

that's about it,
my debut at the office.
^-^

my beloved manager on the other hand,
couldn't hide his surprise,
and had to take a WHOLE day to assimilate the idea before he could finally talk to me ^-^

alaaaahai manager ku sayang...
i know you should be the 1st to know before hand,
but sis nana said to keep it quiet... ^-^;
we wanted to see how you'd react, eheks!
sorryyyy manager...
^-^

other than that....
argh! a cry baby i am!

a thoughtful letter from my cinta sayang makes me cry,
dina zaman makes me cry, tskkk!!

but surah Al-Fatihah mostly,
makes me cry like there's no tomorrow.
stabs me thru the heart it does.
tskk tskk...
Astaghfirullah Al Azim....
Astaghfirullah Al Azim....

mamod my long-time-no-contact fren called the other day when i was back home
and she gave me an advice, a reminder:
yakin edri, yakin.
its a whole different thing, a very big thing.
yakin towards Allah.
her advice i will hold, InsyaAllah.

and cinta sayang reminded me that:
to receive hidayah is one thing,
but to nurture it, and not let it slip away,
is another.
her advice i will hold on too, InsyaAllah.

and spass my good ol' ustaz fren from jmc is very kind,
told me to be istiqamah.
his advice is another one i will carve in my heart, InsyaAllah.

istiqamah : being Straight and Steadfast

Istiqamah is an important concept of Islam.
It means to be straight, to follow the straight path, to remain firm on one's principles
and not to give up under difficulties or challenges.
Some scholars say that it also means to be sincere
and do good things in public as well in private life.
Some others say that it means to be straight in words as well in deeds.
(Nadrat al-Na'im, vol. 2, p. 304)

from : http://www.isna.net
Khutbah at ISOC - Sha'ban 9, 1422/ October 26, 2001
By Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqi

this is my prayer:

In the name of Allah,
The Benevolent, The Merciful.

Ya Allah, my Lord,
You have created me and i am your slave, your worshipper.
i am faithful to my covenant and my promise as far as i am able.

Ya Allah, my Lord,
keep me, my loved ones : family and friends,
those who are kind to me,
and those who are not,
under Your Love and Providance,
shows us the true path,
and keep us Strong on the right path.

Amin.

^-^

ponder with me on some recent memories ^-^...

2007-05-04T11:44:00.000+09:00

last day home

In the name of Allah,
The Benevolent, The Merciful.

tskkk!!!!

today is the last day that i'm on home ground,
this town called kajang, which i love so much, really! ^-^
the bonus is?
petsist and koops are now living nearby too, yeay!
praises be to Allah, the Merciful! ^-^

so things about me... hmm...
what's that? what happened?
have i repented?
taubah?

^-^

all i can say is,
i hope Allah wills it that my heart be set in this matter.
insyaAllah,
Aaaaaaaaaaaaamiiinnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm learning my religion back, still learning,
and there's so much for me to dig out and relearn.
i just hope He shows me the way,
Amin.

i came back this time with some new tricks to remember,
and some issues to resolve.
alhamdulilah,
Allah had allowed me time and chances ^-^
on the last day today, i've these multi colored hijabs to wear every day now,
and i've learned how to actually wear it without the muncung
sesuka hati nak berombaklaaaa... kelepet tak bermaya laaa...
all thanks to? cinta, koops and petsist!
now i can wear hijab cecantekkk... kekemasss... gitu ^-^
nyeheh!
eyks... is it not our responsibility to carry and potray the good image of Islam kannnn??? ^-^

a good old friend taught me these beautiful phrases:
Jazzakumullahukhairan
(may Allah peace & blessings be upon you)
Barakallahufi
(may Allah shower you with barakah)

i pray that His barakah, peace and blessings always be with cinta, koops and petsist, and the good old friend that taught me these, and all you guys out there, your loved ones and your family too! ^-^
Aaaaaaaaaaaaamiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn!!
*^-^*

other than that, i went over to see my li'l sist Nuha ^-^
nyeheheh...
she was sooooooooo shyyyyyyyy....
all zipped up, she keeps her smile in her pocket ^-^
it did take a while but at the end of our visit,
she wanted to follow my "lucky7" bling2 bag home ^-^
soooooo chomel one lah!
(^-^)/

also, i did discuss the prospects, pros and cons about me coming back home for good, and working back home with mom and dad. and also with all whom i got to spend time with like; petsist, koops and cinta, and buted and his wife hamidah, ros, my good old friend... what warms me up most is that, they all offered me their honest opinions weighing the good and the bad for me.
i am grateful to all of you ^-^
thanks frens ^-^

insyaAllah, i'll be on japanese ground come tomorrow night,
going into office with a whole month and a half of a hectic schedule
while embarking on a new task as a dedicated application engineer to S**Y Corp @_@
urghhhh... to tell you the truth i'm not bit excited but well...
work is work so >_<
built up my rep better than i should and now they think they trust me and
that i'm the one to do the job @_@
hwehhh...
ontahlaaaa.... >_<

i'll take the advice to do some research from there,
on that far far away island, and then decide.
with Allah's help, insyaAllahhh....
i really do wanna come home, i do.
then blehla aku join family kau gi piknik on weekends ek ted? (^-^)v
eheheh...

yeah, other than i got to see my super chomel petniece : alya,
i also got to meet my 15-years-no-see-fren ros' hensem boy : iqbal ^-^
and of course, akuie's niece : nur alya adriana ^-^
ow yeahhhh...
we share the same name adriana ;)

imagine the guilt of breaking up! tskkk!!!!
but insyaAllah... ada jodoh adala... kan?

also, 12 days old ayra hanna of yanz & mods ^-^
soooooo tinyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
sooooooooo soft and sweeeeeet!!
=)

annnnnnnddd? ted and his i-sooooo-like-her wife, midah and i-soooooo-adore-her-too daughter nadia =D am i glad nadia liked her mr bunny =D yeay!

lagii...? ada lagi but, well...
that is about all that i can put on a public place like this.
alhamdulillah...
this time back, i got to strengthen a little bit of ukhwah around me i guess =)
kelas agama & kelas pakai tudung?
itulah tuuuuuu.... >_<
next time 'round i guess ^_^
insyaAllah... ^_^

so today, is a day of burning cdroms,
and tonight, is a night to spend with the sisters :
koops and cinta!
(^-^)/

insyaAllah...
i'll be leaving home with a firmer faith this time.
please pray that i do.

on another thought,
Islam... means total submission to God.
and since i did that, things have gotten easier and clearer for me,
Alhamdulillah...
^_^

but... i find it hard to recognize the line,
of whether i have tried my best or not, before proceeding into tawakkal.
like for instance, when told something of a choice,
which i actually have an opinion on,
if i had sacrificed politeness
and be totally (totally : like 120%) frank,
would that be selfish?
would anything have changed?
am i still carrying my pretend & facade?
hahahhhh...
time to istikharah huh?
yep yep,
Allah knows best so 'tis best to ask Him right?

okies peeps!
till then!
assalamualaikum!
^-^

owh! and you guys should check out dina zaman's "i am muslim" too!
i got it on koops recommendation =)
still reading it and i find it funny and enjoyable,
of malay muslims and their bomohs and tahyuls and etc
^-^

2007-04-03T19:20:00.000+09:00

she tells

after 18 years of putting it off,
she'll do this now.
it is time for her to deal.

once there was this little girl.
she grew up into an adult, always wondering what was wrong with her.
wonder why she couldn't love.
this is a story about her.

she lived her life in desperation for as long she remembered.
never once stopping to think whether she had an opinion or what she felt about the situations befalling her.
live.
go on.
move.
strive.
more than anything, she was determined.
more than anything, she was desperate.

the early years of her life was happy as the bedtime stories.
she had her mom, she had her dad, and she had her baby brother. she used to love the evenings when mom and dad would come home from work and take her and her brother over the bridge. they would make paper boats and throw them out the river, watch them flow towards the horizon.
there were laughter, there were smiles.
they were a family, they were happy.

then she turned 9.
she didn't understand why her dad left.
she thought he'd come back after a while, he always does.
but he didn't.
it wasn't an out station this time.

her mind was too young to understand why.
didn't dad love her?
she didn't have the luxury to think of herself at that time. her heart bleeds watching her mom broken and crying day and night, her little brother kept asking where dad is. she wanted to cry too, but more than anything she was scared.
who was gonna look after mom?
and baby bro?
it dawned on her little 9 year old brain, it was she.
if they were ever gonna be fine again,
it was up to her to save them.

she decided that she'd take care of them,
her alone could save what was left of them.
she grew up that instant.
no more 9 year old,
no more barbie dolls.

it was up to her.
and she vowed to be their protector.
what mom couldn't say to dad's face she would say it for her.
what little bro was afraid to ask from dad, she would demand it for him. she would force dad to buy her stuff so that dad won't have any money left to spend for the other lady. when dad made little bro cried she would be the one screaming at dad.
it was up to her.
she was their protector.
nobody but her.

little girl studied hard cuz she knew that mom was afraid.
mom was scared that a broken up home would cost her children a secured future and little girl was not gonna let that be true. she would make mom proud, she would make mom happy and she would look out for her innocent baby bro. she promised that he'd be happy too. she wanted to prove to dad that he could leave all he want and she'd still make it. mom and baby bro and her, they'd still make it.
did he think she was gonna cry and beg for him to come home?
after what he did to mom and baby bro?
after all the years he called her his little princess and just leave?
she vowed never.

if dad had decided to destroy her world,
what else could she do but pick up the broken pieces and save what was left?
mom and baby bro depended on her.
she's the only one they've got left.
nobody else is gonna fight for them so she knew better than to cry.
she knew better than to let her feelings show.

all those resolutions, but she was only 9.
nobody knew how she cried at night.
she'd deny it, saying it over and over again like a mantra to make herself believe.
heaven knew that she used to be daddy's little girl, she thought he was cool, the smartest person alive, she looked up to him, wanted to be as smart as him.
little girl misses her daddy.
for God's sake,
she was only 9.

the emotional burden she had to carry killed her inside,
but she kept it a secret. buried her heart in a hole.
after all, mom depended on her, baby bro too.
she couldn't let them down.
she could never ever let them down.

she was the good girl mom wanted her to be.
she'd do the dishes, she'd iron mom's and little bro's clothes.
she'd iron her own school uniforms to make mom happy.
she'd vacuum the carpets and clean up and polish the toilets and bathrooms.
she wanted to keep mom happy.
when mom was happy, she was glad.

sometimes dad would come and see them, give them money or take them shopping. some other weekends little bro and her would stay over at dad's new place. where his guy friends and lady friends would come at late hours, laughing, playing noisy games. both she and her little bro hated it.
they would lock themselves up in the bedroom.
one time, the woman who dad was in love with came to meet them.
little girl was enraged. she and little bro played dead. pretended they were asleep.
she could hear the lady's voice talking.
she squeezed her eyes shut,
her anger almost choked her inside.

years passed, and little girl studied hard.
she studied so hard she prayed to God that if she died and went to heaven, she'd want a mountain of books for her homework. she wanted to be clever even when she went to heaven. after a nation wide exam, she made mom proud that she was offered a place in a boarding school. they say its a place where the clever ones go to learn, and now people would know that mom's little girl wasn't a failure.

she was 13 when she left home.
away from mom and baby bro, she cried every day for half a year.
she missed them.
she worried for them.
but she had promised that she would be someone big, with a good job and lotsa money to spend for her mom and little bro, buy them anything they want.
a house, a car, anything they want.
she'd make them happy, she'd make them proud.
she'd prove to people how they were wrong to think she'd fail just because dad took off. she'd prove to people that she was tough, prove that she was strong.
she would make dad feel sorry for leaving her that day.
she dreams of a day when finally, dad would say that she did good despite the circumstances he had caused her. she dreamed that one day, dad would finally recognize her again.

so she grit her teeth and decided to stay, in that boarding school in the city by the bridge. 5 years passed like a blink of an eye.
she turned 17.

dad was a biker, changed girlfriends like he changed his big bikes. once, she bumped into him and his girlfriend on their way clubbing. she kept quiet about it but mom found out. what was there to tell anyway? she was sick of his un-ending mid life crisis.
so he thinks he's young and free,
with a daughter at the age of 17.
she was no longer sad.
she was frustrated and ashamed.
there were times she wished that she was someone else's daughter.

whenever she'd arrived at the train station from school for a long holiday, she often wondered how lucky the other girls are when she watches their fathers hugs them and pick up their bags for them each time. she wished she had a father like them.
she'd envy them each and every time.
her father never picks up her bag,
he commands her to carry her own luggage every time.

studying hard had become a habit for her.
it was her belief that education was her only ticket to make mom happy,
the only method for her dad's recognition.

luck sided with her, that she got the scholarship for an education abroad.
luck sided with her, that for the first time in her life, she had fallen in love.
luck sided with her, that for the first time in her life, she trusted another.
luck sided with her, that for the first time in her life, she was able be honest about her feelings and weaknesses to another.
with him, she didn't have to act strong.
with him, she could be herself.
with him, she could be a girl.
she didn't have to strive,
she could dream and sing and laugh.

they were young, and clumsy, drowning in emotions never encountered before.
the love was short lived, just like a big bang of fireworks on new year's eve.
little that she knew that would be the only time she would love.

after making sure dad would let baby bro continue his study and not force him to work as a mechanic in some workshop, she left for the eastern island when she was 19.
she remembered how cold her first winter was.

dad?
he acted as if it was expected of her. he'd accept no less, she knew.
dad didn't know what major she was taking even after 2 years she had been learning it. it was as if he was not her daddy after all.
a father's love?
a myth to her.

entrusted with the scholarship, she went to school,
studied the mightiest she could.
her responsibility, it was her reality.
her future, the only thing she had.
the only thing that would never betray her, it is that.
somehow, her heart had forgotten how it is to love another.

a proof of 12 years marriage gone bad, a gift from dad.
12 years and 2 children,
what more proof is there to top that?
she carries the an angry scar that reminds her.

she became 23, no longer the little girl,
but desperation never ceases.
she got what she wanted, a scroll of a first degree. but dad wasn't impressed. so she embarked on a pursuit of a masters. another 2 years passed and earning a masters degree ate her up more than she had expected it to. but she was entrusted so she fought. amanah is the one thing she'd never betray. she'd rather die than not graduating on time. badly bruised and teribbly worn out she fought her final battle. barely, she made it to the other side.

she came back home that spring.
she was 25 by then, 2 years of nights thinking about dad. why he did what he did. she had been in love too once, so she could understand if dad would tell her that he was in love. its ok if dad wasn't proud of her, she had her share of failures, and bad times that she had to burden him with her financial troubles.
she would understand if he'd think that she had failed him.
it was her who kept pushing him away afterall.
it was all her fault.

she thought alot about dad. she wonders if he's happy, what thoughts crosses his minds at night. whether he thinks of her, his first born.
this daughter he had.
she realizes that she misses him.
and she was ready to forgive him for leaving.
she didn't need an apology from him, she only wanted an explanation. she wanted to know why. she hoped to hear him say, that he left not because of her. she hoped to hear him say that he loved her, to recognize her as his daughter.
it was him who named her a week after she was born.
and she liked her name, glad that he picked it,
even after all that happened, she still wore it with pride.
she went to see dad that time she was home, march 2005.
they went over to his apartment and had steaks,
talked and made jokes.
it was awkward as it was, she tried to open up.
she thought they did well and she was glad.
she thought things could actually be well again between her and dad.

it was 2 weeks after she left home for the island again, this time to start a career. she only knew about it 2 months after. thanks to the wind that brought the news.
he had remarried.
not one word to her, nor to her brother.
she didn't know what to feel.
she wasn't angry, but one thing was for sure,
she was hurt.
after all her effort, stripping off her pride,
this is what he gave her.
not one word.
it was not permission she wanted him to be asking, just..
the least he could do was, inform his children, she and her brother before hand.
she was not 9 anymore to be throwing tantrums, screaming no.

his own daughter had to find out from the wind.
was she not his daughter?
why does she feel as if she's being treated like a stranger?
an outsider?
perhaps she had no father afterall.

it broke her heart when he finally called months after, telling her that he's relieved now that she has got a job now. that his responsibility as a father is now complete, so now he could move on with his life after all the sacrifices he had done. when asked which sacrifice exactly he was referring to, he'd say, he had sacrificed years un-married.
it almost made her laugh.
that's his big sacrifice??
and don't a father's responsibility towards his daughter only ends when she becomes a wife? she wondered which Book of God had he been reading to think that his responsibilities towards her is over.

she cried.
she didn't wanna live angry anymore.
she was tired of living angry.
no matter how she tries not to be, fact was she was hurt and she knows that she'd never be able to remain composed around him anymore, so she stayed clear of him. unless requested, she no longer meet him voluntarily. twice betrayed, she knew better than to invest her daughterly feelings to such a man.

it was recently that she found out that she had a baby sister she never knew about. news was his second daughter is almost 1 of age.

she didn't feel anything at the news.
no anger, nor hurt.
nor happy, nor sad.
she prayed that her baby sister wont be facing the childhood she was made to face, carry the burden of emotional baggage she was made to carry. she prayed that dad would actually be a good father this time. she cried praying to God, begged him not to let anybody anywhere be facing what did.

18 years had passed,
she was still broken.

she had lived her life for her mom, her baby brother.
everything she did, she did for them, their well being in mind.
if she was living for herself, she won't even be trying.
and she tried to earn the recognition from her dad,
but all effort turned up in vain.
God won't let it be.

after 18 years, she finally had the guts to actually sit down and analyze what made her this way. unable to love. incapable of trust.

does her dad know that she started smoking to have a connection with him? does he know why she hasn't able to conjure up the strength in believing the word marriage? does he know that nice, sincere men loved and cared for his daughter but she pushed them away and hurt them terribly? does he know his daughter still cries at night thinking of the childhood she wished she never had?

there are things she knows.
she knows his new wife comes here to read.
she knows her dad visits here too.

so if her dad is reading this,
he will know that she's sorry for all the things she did that hurt him,
for all the things she had hid from him.
she's sorry that she didn't turn out the way he wanted her to be.
she apologizes for all the faults she had done, all the burden she had caused him.
she's sorry but, she just doesn't have the strength anymore.

she knows that a father's love was never in the cards for her.
and she knows there is nothing her dad can do for her now, her only hope is that he could be a better husband, a better father to the family he has now.
no one deserves to go thru what his first 2 children did.
no one.

God, she begs of you,
keep her baby sister under your providence.
bless and protect her baby sister.
take care of her.

Amin.
Amin Ya Rabbal Al-Amin.

as for the main character of this story, she'll continue to be the protector and provider of the house. anything mom wishes, she'll give without questions. any dreams baby bro pursuits, she'll be supporting.
the only ones she has,
she'll continue living for them.

2007-03-18T22:39:00.000+09:00

revelation

i thought i had everything under control.
i thought i did good.
until recently.

everyone have issues, yeah.
i'm no exception.
i thought i've dealt with them,
but i realized that all i've been doing was run away.
run away, and hide behind this armor i've been wearing so long.

i thought i was here striving for a secured future for my unborn children, when all i'm doing is running from facts. i realized i haven't faced them, not one. i'll admit it now, i'm scared of going home. i've been delaying this duel. now, they became my present.

i didn't see it coming,
it happened suddenly.
God Almighty, he always knew the way to reach me.
he did last week, and completely turn my world inside out.
made me realize the important things in life,
they all contradicted what i had believed in until now.

my pride is my demon.
oh how i held on to it, like dear life.
afraid of getting hurt, i have this habit of getting into relationships, with an image of an ending in mind. i never tried, never gave my all. when it ends, it ends, and i cut people off easily.
never looked back.
it dawned on me, that i never loved.

my pride had served me well, it protected me.
not loving means, no hurting.
its something like this song, it says it well:

if i am hardened, no fear of further abandonment
if i am masculine, i will be taken more seriously
if i'm elusive, i will surely be sought after often
if i need assistance then i must be incapable

so... i push everyone away.
no one stayed of course, including my father,
everybody left.

my mother, she has patience and insisted my honesty.
it was hard at first but i have learned how to show her my love.
my brother, he thinks my tough facade is cool,
i never show him i love him in a direct way,
but he gets me :)

other than them, i have never loved another.
to love is weakness.
love makes me vulnerable.
and i'm strong, i thought.

so no, i never looked to love,
except once.
but i pushed him away too, and jumped into this relationship i've no intention of summing up in a marriage. i thought i did. that was why we have all this pacts and contracts that involved numbers and currencies, to anchor me down.
i built this fortress to make me stay in this.
a million bucks tagged on it.

but God shook me up the other day.
gave me this revelation, this realization.
i look at the one i'm with now and i couldn't lead him on anymore. it was unfair for him to stay in this arrangement, while i was never here.

we're separated akuie and me.
no fights, no screaming.
i just told him the truth of my mind, my heart and pleaded for separation.
it was hard for me to open up like that, to confess and admit my faults cuz i believed that i was never wrong.
it hurt to admit that i wasn't.
got it wrong all along.
it was hard for him to accept.

it was easier not to do this, but...

its like what Robert Spritzel said in The Weatherman :
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy.
"Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life.

God has spoken and i need to listen.
i need to rethink,
reset myself.

if we're meant to be, we're meant to be.
i'll leave it all up to Him.
i just, wanna do it right this time.

i thought i knew what this meant,
i was wrong.

how it meant the world to hold bruising faith,
now, its just a matter of grace.

2007-03-05T21:37:00.000+09:00

body crumbles

i fainted the other day.
it wasn't a big deal, and its pretty old news, but..
yeah, i'm still paying for the fall.

it was a training week, so i had to commute on a different route,
to a different place than routine.
i was headed for tokyo station that day.
woke up lazy, rode the train, sleepy as usual.

it was my first time, fainting.

it didn't come suddenly.
the train was overcrowded i guess,
it started by me feeling a little bit sick, like i had to vomit,
but i thought it was just gas.
shouldn't be long to the next stop,
so i planned to get off the transport to have some fresh air.

it was shortly after lulu had left, so i was thinking about her,
when suddenly the noise of the train, and all the other voices,
started to pull away, faded away so abruptly.
panicked a bit, i desperately hoped to make it to the next stop conscious.

the next stop came, i was relieved and i picked up my bag,
stepped out of the train, when suddenly everything went black.
no noise, no nothing.
i was gone.

i remembered being brought back by the momentum.
i remembered thinking, "damn, i hit that harder than i thought i would".
it felt like i hit a pole or something.
then, the feeling of sand spilled in my mouth.

that was when i noticed the voices, and the faces
calling to me, "daijyoubu deska? daijyoubu?"
asking me whether i'm okay. i was like wha-?

the ambulance came.
frantically called office while lying on the stretcher as they
rushed me to the hospital, with the sound booming all the way.
i was scared, hell i cried in panic :P

they said i fell head first.
i couldn't remember exactly how, what position or anything.
broke my teeth here and there.
so that explained the sand in my mouth.
not sand but pieces of my shattered back teeth :P

they gave me seven stitches down my chin.
the doc thought he had the anesthetic worked,
but he missed some spots.
after the 4th stitch i could feel the needle pierce thru
and then comes the thread passing my flesh.
but oh well, it wasn't too bad i guess.

also found out that i have a brain sized below average.
they were worried if i was having some brain hemorrage so
they put me thru a ct scan, brain wave check and everything.
result was my brain was naturally the size of a peanut :P

they said i was lucky that i fell forward,
i didn't get it at first,
but then they told me that i could've gotten paralyzed,
or even died if i had fallen backwards and crack my skull
or temperal lobe or something.
..owh.

hospitalized me for a day,
then i begged to go home.
so i did.

i couldn't open my jaw right,
hurts like hell so i couldn't eat.
only rice porridge and puddings :P

its getting better now,
eventhough i still can't yawn as wide as i'd like to :P
still can't eat hard food either, y'know that requires me to really chew
- that's still high level for me. eheh.

still have to eat burgers in little bites.
other than that its getting better i guess.

and i've been seeing the dentist after i got to
open my mouth more than two fingers wide.
it took about 2 months till i finally did.
still seeing mr dentist, yep.

i wasn't able to go to work for 3 days then,
so because my firm does not give away medical leave
for the employees, i had to use up all my paid leave.
i had to break my promise to go back home the end of last year.

its difficult, almost impossible,
but i'm trying to take things easy these days.
i keep making these stupid mistakes at work these days though :P
got the date wrong on a whole department mail today :P
urgh..

been constantly sleepy since that day.

and i used to think i was tough :P
guess am not so tough as i'd like to be anymore :P

japanese and their superstitions,
they say lulu got my back that day.
it was kinda foreign to me,
that kinda suggestion of thoughts,
but its kinda nice i guess :)
really was a nice gesture :)

guess God was kind to me that day.
guess i have alot to be thankful for huh?

2006-12-26T20:29:00.000+09:00

i of the mourning

radio, play my favorite song
radio, radio
radio, i'm alone
radio..

radio,
please don't go, radio..

i've blown the dust off my guitar
in the attic with the stars
i read your letters to feel better
my tears upon the faded ink

the smashing pumpkins

everdearest, lulu my girl,
its been exactly 4 weeks now since you left.
i found myself still unable to adapt to this emptiness you left behind.
i think about you every day, and i can't help missing you.

you are, the sweetest girl i have ever known.
when you came to live with us, it was because your previous owner had to let go of you. i can't know for sure but i guess you were disappointed, at first you didn't seem to want to trust me at all. but with space and time, you opened up, and you became my little girl :)

i still remember how you'd sit by my side every morning, looking up at me with eyes sparkling when i'd brush my hair and put some powder on my face, and i'd ask you, you wanna put on some makeup too lulu? :) until the day that you left, you were always by my side every morning, watching. remember when i'd share the hair dryer with you? you'd close you eyes and enjoy the warm air on your face :)
pretty girl, super model :)
i miss my makeup buddy.

i miss you licking my skin when i wore lotion on my hands and knees, and how you'd stand up on your feet and pat my knees whenever i stand in the kitchen. i'd look down and see that 'lulu nak temunnnn' face of yours :) how could i resist? i surrendered every time :)

i miss you scrathing me incase i was itchy too whenever you'd get itchy :) but the most of all i miss you sleeping by my side, robbing me off my blanket every nite to make that cozy little nest of yours with it. i never minded dear, all i wanted was for you to be warm and cozy sleeping beside me :)

i sensed it you were going away.
my heart ached for you that day.
i rushed home to hold you.
i ran home to you but i found you already left..
sound asleep.. just like a baby..

~~ + ~~

everdearest boboi, my sweet boy,
its been exactly a week since you left.
this day today, this hour tonite.
exactly 3 weeks after lulu left us, you followed suit,
the very same tuesday.

i held you in my arms as you breathed your last breath.
tears were on my face, cuz.. truth is i didn't wanna let you go..
its even harder to adapt now that you're gone, this void you left behind.
i cried and cried all week.. i couldn't hold my tears.
food has lost its taste, and people at work don't matter anymore.

you are, the most manja boy i have ever known.
when i saw you at the petshop 4 years ago, you were a big baby, alone in the cage, thay had a tag on it that read a very cheap price. i wondered why and got the message: it was because you were a big boy. not tiny and cute and fragile like the other baby ferrets that were there on the other weekends. them, they got bought almost instantly as they were put for view at the petshop. nobody awed at you, i was watching you alone. i felt sorry for you, i was worried that you won't be able to find a nice parent to love you. i thought of lulu being alone at home and i decided that you guys should be friends. that was how you came to live with us. do you remember? :)

when we arrived, lulu screamed and clawed at you, she was tinier but boy, did she scare you :) you scrambled, came running to akuie for protection, remember? although you and lulu got along like soulmates after that, you were still the little baby you always were. always wanting attention, always come looking for our hands to pat your head :) always sitting, sleeping on my lap :)
boboi, my anak manja.

while lulu enjoyed make up, you enjoyed grabbing and jumping to catch our feet. oh how you'd grab them till i'd finally join your game :) and how you loved you dolls. you keep them at that special place under the kotatsu, and you'd never let me move them. your soft kitty, your little teddy bear, your plush caterpillar.. you are, the boy who loved his dolls :)

you caught pneumonia 2 weeks after lulu left. i know you missed her. i saw how you lay on her blanket staring into space. and i was touched at how you always leave a little food for lulu in her bowl, even after 2 weeks she was gone, i know you wouldn't want her to be hungry. you were always like that, looking out for her, as she, always looking out for you.

akuie went to the doctor with you, we believed that you'd get better but..

~~ + ~~

now, the house is empty, the house is cold..
boboi, lulu, without the both of you.. everything seems colorless.
my eyes, they still burn whenever i'd think of the both of you.

4 years.
from when i was a student, till now that i'm working.
you guys were always there sending me off in the mornings, greeting me back when i got home in the nights. and we'd spend lazy weekends together at the park, or just at home.. :)

boboi,
lulu,
you made my life shine,
you made me laugh, you made me smile..

i saw the both of you in a dream this morning.
i did :)
it was morning, i was about to go to work and you guys were at the door, like you always did when you'd send me off from the days before. lulu, you weren't as thin as you were anymore. and boboi, you weren't dragging your breaths like you did when you were sick a week ago. i knew it was a dream right then, but i ignored the fact, hoping that it wouldn't end. i hugged and pat and kissed the both of you like i wouldn't let go..

i wish.. that we could be together for a little more while cuz.. 4 years is just ain't enuff.. i wish i could hold you guys a little longer.. but.. when i saw the both of you this morning, even in a dream.. i was happy.

please know that i love you.
always have, and i know that i always will.
and i'll always, always miss you.

i just hope that you had a good life with me and akuie.
i hope that you were happy.

thank you for finding us.
even for just a short time,
trully,
i am blessed.

i miss you, boboi.
i miss you, lulu.

sleep tite.. sweet dreams..
rest in peace my babies..

i read your letters to feel better
my tears upon the faded ink..

2006-08-20T21:04:00.000+09:00

oh summer

obon.
when japanese would go back to their home town to visit their relatives, and visit their ancestor's grave to pay respect and pray.
well, easily said, its like hari raya back in malaysia.
or a little bit like christmas.
japanese version.

most salary workers would accept a whole week of holidays from their firm. usually spending the first three days back in their hometown and the rest, going else where for summer holidays.

my firm, offers us 5 days. free to use, on a three months duration from july to september :) and out of the five days, i just took my three days leave for summer holidays.

the question was, between guam and okinawa.
the result was, we finally found peace in izu :)

left office at 2230 on tuesday night with suzuki,
had 1 whole day to get ready and pack,
and headed for izu on the 17th.
up to yesterday, the 19th.

the town by the port by the sea.
hot burning sun and the cool breeze by the poolside.
steam was rising up from the big stones by the beach due to heat,
but the salty sea water chilled our bodies in an instant.
nights of watching fireworks and soaking in the hot spring.
the food?
fresh lobsters and big eyed red carp!
hwahhhh....
what refreshing 3 days it was :)

the place was just so beautiful and relaxing.
the people, so hospitable.
the food just delicious.
i almost didn't want to leave.
tskkk!!!!

tomorrow,
work starts again.
thanks for the three days well spent,
i'm starting fresh :)

izu, certainly the place to be :)

2006-08-07T21:59:00.000+09:00

'tis here!

the sun. blue sky. the beach.
mosquitoes. beats of sweat.

after long weeks of rain,
its hot!
and its here!
work is a drag but its okay cuz
SUMMER'S HERE!!!
:D

yeay yeay yeay yeay!

the other night while i was looking like a sour plum facing the pc, my manager called out my name : adoriii...

'urhhhh here comes another pile of it...' i thought.

but what he said was:
'there, aren't the fireworks beautiful?'

and i picked up my head and saw these beautiful colored big bangs of fireworks out the office window.
the once a year minato mirai summer firework was on.

together with my manager and my other seniors, i stood by the office window, feeling the warm breeze on my skin, watching the beautiful colored flame bursting in the night sky.

warm night. warm people.
oh how they warm my heart.
:)

2006-07-17T11:40:00.001+09:00

tres dias

Donde, donde estas que estas haciendo?
Where, where are you, what are you doing?

i love the song this song, tres dias. its a song about this guy missing his girl, suspecting whether she had betray him, losing his sleep for three days, and fearing the idea of her leaving him cuz he won't know what to do with his life if she did. it's so cute spanish song :)

anyway, tres dias, three days of weekend for this week and i'm loving it :)
monday morning and i woke up as usual, tuned into the internet and turned up my lifeless internet life a little. finally! :P

so, here i am, back again ;)
i cut my hair the other day. real short this time. cuz i just don't have the time to pamper my cuticles, not with the kind of schedule i'm made to live in. so.. :P

me and my good friend eri, we're having more dates than before nowadays. she's piled up with her wedding's preparation and i'm helping where i can. eri and yoshi haven't got much money you see. they're both working yeah, but with the certifications they haven't got, the money they get barely covers the bills. and when she was looking for a guest book the other day i could see in her eyes how she would like to have a welcome board welcoming her guests on the day. it pains me that she'd actually think the price for a welcome board is too much for her and yoshi to afford when it's actually not alot.
seeing that, of course, me and akuie, we offered to buy them one.
once in a lifetime event, its an honor for us to be able to contribute.
anything for eri's smile :)

so we went out again on saturday, this time to browse through all the variations of welcome boards she'd like to have at her wedding. and she's now torn between the flowery style and the engraved glass. we're gonna go out again august 6th to finally decide and order :)

y'know being so damn far away from home, i never had the chance to help with a friend's wedding. as i walked with eri the other day i was feeling kinda guilty that i hadn't done something like this for my friends back home. you guys still single out there, when your time comes and you need me to help, please, tell. i might or might not be able to attend the day, but i'd be honored to offer a hand :)

work is.. as usual. i guess the awe in every little detail about the job kinda wears off after a year. in its place, reality settles.

i met my former team leader who quitted early this year. if it wasn't for him, hell, i would've packed my bags for good back then. but lucky me, he was there, and he offered his wisdom and really helped me big time. i almost cried when our manager announced that he had left.

anyway, i met him the other day. we had lunch together and boy did we talk! and he was so generous at feeding my disappointment of his leaving with the reasons why. grateful of his willingness, i listened intently. and truth was revealed and i was surprised. hit right in the head, my jaw dropped open. my oh my, now is not the time for me to be kind with everybody helping them with the job they should've done themselves. this is the time to scrub my knowledge and put some skills at work cuz.. life gets merciless sometimes and before it catches us off guard, now is the time to prepare. i was getting fuctup with the things around me then, and again, he had helped me find the stance in work.

alot needs to be done. alot needs to be learned and studied. alot that i gotta put my hands on and hafta be good at, but atleast, i know where i'm heading now. and i know about what next steps i gotta take.
2 years, and we'll see how it goes.

in the mean time, i'm hungry and thinking of having some nasik goreng for lunch!
wuhuhuuuu...

2006-06-18T04:22:00.000+09:00

affairs

reached the sagamiono station from work on friday night at 0100.
what kind of life is this?
a working dog's life.
:P

work falls on my lap from every direction really. from eng of course, but also from sales, marketing and sometimes internal relations. one of my seniors tried to analyze why, and came up that it could be that people perceive me as a person who's willing to do their job. any job.
now that didn't make me happy.
at all.

heh.
banyak cantek la muka kan?
guess i gotta learn to negotiate and make people understand that i'm just human. i have limitations too.

anyway, the kantou district has entered the rainy season. it rains alot nowadays. but this year, although with the rain pouring i'm trying to be a little bit active than before.
go out on weekends even when it rains.
take pictures outside even when its pouring.
i got alot to learn on the subject of picture taking too.
hwaahhh...

i work till late nights on weekdays. and as a bonus i only have 2 days to do laundry and clean up the house, clean up after boboi and lulu, brush up on my picture taking and organizing the albums and sleep the fatigue from work away and go out to release stress.
all in 2 days.
wha---??
hweh.
gotta fix this.

summer's near.
and i just can't wait!

guam? okinawa?
which one is it gonna be?
;)

2006-06-04T23:06:00.000+09:00

21 things

she speaks for me.

21 things i want in a lover
by alanis morrisette

do you derive joy
when someone else succeeds?
do you not play dirty
when engaged in competition?
do you have a big intellectual capacity
but know that it alone does not equate wisdom?

do you see everything as an illusion?
but enjoy it even though you are not of it?

are you both masculine and feminine?
politically aware?
and don't believe in capital punishment?

these are 21 things that i want in a lover
not necessarily needs
but qualities that i prefer

do you derive joy from diving in
and seeing that loving someone
can actually feel like freedom?

are you funny?
a la self-deprecating?
like adventure?
and have many formed opinions?

these are 21 things that i want in a lover
not necessarily needs
but qualities that i prefer

i figure i can describe it
since i have a choice in the matter
these are 21 things
i choose to choose in a lover

i'm in no hurry
i could wait forever
i'm in no rush cuz
i like being solo
there are no worries
and certainly no pressure

in the meantime
i'll live like there's no tomorrow

are you uninhibited in bed?
more than three times a week?
up for being experimental?

are you athletic?
are you thriving
in a job that helps your brother?
are you not addicted?

these are 21 things that i want in a lover
not necessarily needs
but qualities that i prefer

these are 21 things that i want in a lover
not necessarily needs
but qualities that i prefer

are you curious and communicative...?

2006-05-14T01:02:00.001+09:00

cemane?

mang hai.
bape lame dah aku biorkan je blog nih terbengkalai :P
skali bukak penoh dgn tags dari ntah sape2 yang ntah hapela
diorang nyer intention memuji2 sampai ke langit.
macam la aku tatau mende tuh generated lah kannnn :P

apa nak buat ek?
hapuskan je la tag board yang dah di hack tuh.
nanti la.
kang aku ada masa nak re-do template nih kang aku buat.

wokeh, apa nak citer ek?
takde citer menarek tuh la pasal tuh.
hahahaha...
citer pun asek citer kerje jek.
kalau korang interested maka, teruskan la membuang masa membaca blog nih, if not, well kat atas window tu ada tanda pangkah, so apa kata kita utilate the red x-box tuh ek? ;)

penat beb.
tak habeh2 penat :P

i spent the nite in shin-yokohama last nite. why? well, it was my turn to handle the nomikai (drinking party) event for the engineers and this time, it was to welcome the 2006 newfaces of engineering department ;) so the thing started later than it was supposed to, like always :P
orang2 engine nih dia bukan reti nak bergerak ikut waktu kalau takde kena ngena ngan kerje. keh keh. penat la aku dok jerit soh datang by 1930. HAMPEH :P

but!!! encik kihara yang takde kena ngena ngan firm kitorang lagi tu, datang in the middle of it all!!!! hahaaaaaaahhhh!!! sangat gembira la kannnn!!! :D yep yep, saya sangat suka dengan senior2 saya lah kan, but encik kihara ni hahaaaaaa... bukan senior saye tapi sangat suke dia jugak! ;D

so bcuz he's not with the firm, tak dapatlah nak jumpa dia hari2 kat office. so the chance was these nomikais la, cuz kenkadang dia join ;) then dia dataaaaangggggg yeay yeay yeay yeay!!!!

why i like him? well for one dia sangat best! like klaka gila when he wants to be. then, bcuz he no longer belongs to the firm, he's got these third person kinda view and info about the business and he's not stingy about sharing it. and dia jugak tak lokek memberikan informasi dalam yang berrr-tuah la aku nak dapat dengar dari orang2 keliling aku skang nih. heheh ;)

and so we spent some time updating each other and he's got some good news for me that i'm glad to hear :D well, mengikut info encik kihara la, i'm good. eheks! it's like, all that he hears about me is good stuff so, hahaaaaa... sangat lega la kannnn... i am really, so-the-very-insecure la in the office. like, ok i'm trying, ok i'm learning, ok i do my work, i finish the tasks that are given in advanced, or sometimes on the spot out of the blue, but i'm bugged with the thoughts of, i should have done better, or i should be doing more, or i should know more, you know, those stuffs. like i should do better. so, hearing what he has to say last night, really helped me big time.

well actually, what made me happy was that he came to this party i'm in charged of. tu je sebenarnyer.
ekekeke.

and then the drinking party was followed with a post-party, which was karaoke and encik kihara tagged along :D and mang hai!!! encik kihara menyanyi dengan penuh perasaan lah kannnnn.... and sempat buat lawak tengah2 nyanyi kannnn... he's the best la!

what made me feel very grateful and so damn small was when, kakak nana and abang hirai, eventhough kepenatan nak balik tido (aku tau), stayed till the next morning eventhough i was telling them that i would understand kalau diorang nak balik cepat cuz aku tau diorang penat. sampai merah2 mata menahan ngantok tau mereka2 nih... kesiannn sangatttt... arghhhhh... my beloved seniors. sangat concern. sangat... i don't know... sangat supportive. and man... i really got alot to learn from them.

time and again, i was told to get the other two of my batchmates to cooperate and help during the party, and i tried. to scarce avail. i was getting tired at the end of it and bursted out to kakak nana that i really really do need help when it comes to those two. i told her, suzuki i can handle, cuz he uses his ears to listen. only that he forgets. although that, him i can handle. plus, suzuki and me, we have quite a strong bond. we call each other our ally lah kan so, no problem.

the other one? now, that's a problem. one big annoying problem.
habesss??? kalau encik tozaki pun takleh nak handle anak buah dia, nak expect aku handle si egomaniac macam bagus tuh? hohohhhhh... buat sakit ati jek. tunggu la seratus tahun lagi, baru bleh kot.
pastu hambek kau, selepas beberapa jam, kan dah kena panggil. kan dah kena lecture. kan dah kena banding. kan dah kena sound, blagak macam bagus apa yang ko tau sangat? eylaaaa... sakit tuuuuu... kalau aku, mau je aku nagis je kat situ. tapiiiii... biasakla mamat tu... still mengeluarkan kata2 macam bagus. sampai tension gila kakak nana dibuatnyer. tatau la bila dia nak sedar. actually i doubt that he will :P umur dah berapa, perangai cam tu nak change? heh.

tu lah citernyer.
citer best, citer tak best.

last2 aku balik kol 5pagi ngan kakak nana.
and on the way when i told her that my schedule was changed big time bcuz of the sudden pile of work for the newfaces training baru aku tau yang the work didn't go thru her at first, tros jatuh kat aku and she didn't know anything. and she was apologizing la plakkkk... pasal 3 hari aku kena abandone kerje seminar aku yang due datenyer khamis minggu depan. lohhhh... takpolah aku cakap... nak wat cemane... just hope aku berjaya menyiapkan kerje seminar tuh on time je lah.

and so? hambek... kan aku dah bekerja di hari sabtu? ni tak larat dah nak layan power point so aku pun tulis blog :P akakakak... esok kang aku sambung balik buat power point. isnin nak meeting mampos aku kalau tak siap :P

i just hope that the newfaces got to learn what they had to learn.
and i hope that they enjoyed the whole nite long party last night.

phewh!
sampai sini saje citer penat untuk kali nih.
abeshhhh....

y'know, on the way from machida station to oono station on my way home, i was thinking, "a happy slave".
hahahaha...
i think i've become one of that :P

kata2 sakti encik kihara:
bila tak tolak keje, sume orang depend on you laaaa...
could be good, but when it becomes too excessive, haaa...
the key is, bukan tolak keje tapi mebuat orang paham that kita ada limit.
anddd... kena pandai menggunakan orang2 di sekeliling.

wokeh!!!!
dulu tatau, skang dah tau!
hohohoooo...

2006-04-08T12:43:00.000+09:00

HWARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH......

PENAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
ok?
penat.

PE dan NAT.
penat.

penat penat penat penat penat.
macam 'maka dengan ini saya akan meninggalkan dunia ini dan pegi mampos' punye penat. akakakakakak...
penat nak mampos.

no. really.

all becuz of this one word:
BRONZE.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! menyampah gila!
like hoi betapa la pressured lagi ko nak buat aku?
ohohohhhhh... nak soh aku balik pukul bape lagik weyh practise presentation for the what hundredth time weyh?
bangun pagi gelabah pasal bronze.
seblom tido dok pikir pasal bronze.

bronze bronze bronze bronze bronze.
all to be a bronze certified engineer,
to be certified by the maker.

and this manic phase has been on peak since friday last week.
boleh gila.
akakakakaakakak.

and the word
'aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh'
had become my favourite of the week.
akuie would laugh everytime.
and ogawa-san would say:
'tame iki wo tsukanai.'
never sigh.
and i would say:
'shiawase ga nigeru kara?'
cuz happiness would run away?
and ogawa-san would say:
'sou!'
yeap!
and i would say:
'mouuuu tokkuni nigetemasu yoooo...'
my happiness dah lama lari dahhhhh...
and we would laugh and then stop and then we both would sigh together and laugh again.
lohhhh... tadi cakap jangan mengeluh dia plak join mengeluh.
blehhhh???
ekekekeeke.

the result isn't out yet, but hwahhhh.... what a relief now that this bronze weight burden has been lifted off our shoulders. and last night we had a blast celebrating the end of the torturing phase.

nana-san cried while giving her two words on the whole thing. and umeta-san started to cry seeing her cry. akakakakaka.... blehhhh???
nana-san kawaiiiii....
umeta-san mo kawaiiiii....
yabuki-san even made funny faces to make us all laugh.

mou... minna kawaikute daisuki da!!!
everyone is so cute that i love them all!
:D

actually the drinking party celebrating the end of the broze phase was actually on a wrong timing. cuz we the oh my god already 2nd year??? employees had to host a hanami session to welcome the new faces of this year into the firm. i did run to the place under the blooming sakura tree and helped ready the foods and drinks.

but i only got to spend a small amount of time to actually speak to the new faces. ekekekeke... tau nak isap okok jek mana tak nyer :P my deep apologies to the new faces. not that i'm kerek or anything. it's just hahah... sempai pun nervous actually ;) sempai pemaluuuuuu.... akakakakakak!

anyway, so that's the news. the new faces of 2006 had made their entrance into the firm on 3rd april, last monday. 7 of them whom i actually have to learn remember their names from now on.
jannah okeh.
senang ingat ;)
lain... uhuk! uhuk! ganbarimasu!

and.... haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaha.
not funny at all.
so i've turned 27.
demmitttttt!!!!

face it la edri.
machik dah tua.
akakakakaka.
tapi kepala budak2.
tau nak enjoy jek.
you know what that's called?
DENIAL.
mwahhahahahahaha!!!!

a paranoid in denial.
apa nak jadi?

although i have told some people to not make a big deal about it, the happy birthday song was sung to me about 4 times yesterday.
bleh?
bleh?????
aku dah kata
'SYYYYYTTTTT!!!! Senyap2 dah!'
eila lagi mau heboh2....
maluuuu machik huhuhuuuuu....

but it was really nice actually.
that not only my fellow new faces of 2005 had helped me had a nice 27th birthday. but also the people from internal relations, and facility, and IT actually called out my name and wished me and then started to sing again.
and the engineers?
gila.
tak cukup nyanyi sekali, nyanyi lagi sekali dua during the celebrating drinking party.
blehhhhhhh????
penat je aku control underground selama nih.
ekekekekeke.....

to think that one year ago, on the same day, while on the way back from business manners training in daikanyama, my fellow 2005 new faces mates and our recruiter, koreyuki-san had a cake for me and khalid led us too a nice indian curry restaurant for a blastful dinner in shibuya.

and we're now 2nd year employees on the firm with juniors to look after.
how time flies.
and hohohhhhh...
what pressure!!!
tsk!

so that's the story.
no risk, no glory.

a story of a week of maddening peaked pressure
and a nice birthday at the end of it.

i thought spm would be the last time where i'd be struggling together with my friends, helping each other out, wanting to make it together. now bronze even beats spm. all the engineers would stay back and study, and in every one's desperation to make it, not one single person was selfish to not notice of another needing help.

after i got home last night, i can't help telling akuie over and over again. what fine firm i'm working for right now. how i'm sure that i've hit bullseye with what i looked in a place to work for when i came to this firm. and how glad and grateful i am for this chance.

adori daijyoubu?
edri are you okay?
nani ga wakaranai?
mana yang tak paham?
nande mo kiki na?
tanye je apa nak tanya ok?
sonna toki kou sureba iindayo.
time cam tu buat cam ni.
korewa kou iu imi nano ne..
yang ni, makna dia cam ni..
adori rensyu suru? mitete ageru kara ne?
edri nak practise? kita tengok kan eh?
adori ganbatte!
good luck edri!

arghhhhhh... dengan aku2 pun nak nangis tengok nana-san nangis semalam.
my oh my... how i love this place and the people in it.

and as the engineer's drinking party was off to end last night, i stood there looking at those engineers, and i look over to the manager and i silently thought...
so this is how the firm keeps our motivation up.
not just a drinking party, but with meaning and effect behind it.
now... how priceless is that?

i was smiling to myself when fukuda-san suddenly pat my back and said:
adori otsukare!
and i said:
otsukaresama desssss!!!

engineer no minna, otsukaresama des!
to all the engineers, good job done!
shinjin no minna, tanoshii paltek e youkoso!
to the new faces, welcome to a funfilled paltek!

taihen ni naru kamo shirenai kedo,
korekara motto tanoshiku naru ki ga suru.
things may get tougher,
but i think things are gonna be more fun from now on.
:D

2006-03-19T00:35:00.001+09:00

bride to be

i wanted a lot of things to be done this weekend, and places to go, but i ended up sleeping the whole saturday off today :P i guess, work is fun, but damn am i in need of rest!
cheung told me this yesterday as he was packing to leave the office:
health comes before everything.
even work.

yep yep.
i wish i could constantly keep that in mind.
tsk!!!

anyway, now that i've slept the day off,
plus my natural nocturnal character taking control,
without anything interesting to write about,
i'm gonna tell you about this sweet sweet girlfriend of mine.
the only one who calls me by the name rina.

her name is eri.
and i love her.
sooo sooo much.

i was never and still am not very good at making new friends.
it's not because i'm not friendly. it's just i'm never the first one to make the gesture. i think it might be caused by my fear of strangers.
or rather the perception they might have on me.
hahah!
call me paranoid and i'll raise my hand up high!

so, the same story goes all the while i was here.
always different, and eccentric some might say,
i am never good with the malaysian group.
of course there are exceptions: like sharin or wanja,
but in total, kaput!

but that didn't mean that i get along easy with them japanese.
not with the different background and thinking and beliefs.
that's another whole lot of mess too.

never had a real japanese friend while i was here.
not until i met eri while i was working part time a while back.

we'd talk and laugh and think about things
and have secrets together.
oh how we bonded just like sisters.
for the first time ever, i had a japanese confidante.

i would worry about her.
is yoshi her boyfriend taking good care of her?
is she doing well at work?
and she worries for me.

after quitting the part time job where i met her, she followed suit. and found herself a permanent job nearby here in machida. not able to see each other everyday like we did before, we'd have dates every now and then to talk and keep up. we'd have a few girly talk hours to ourselves before allowing akuie to join in. winks!

we had our first date of the year the other day, and for the first time only do we realize, in a blink of an eye, we've been friends for 4 years now!
oh my?
it was like, REALLY???
THAT LONG???
OH WOW!

:)

yoshi had been treating her good. well despite some quarrel and all of those spices in a relationship, they're doing good. news is? they have finally set a date! eri's gonna become a wedded wife comes october :)

oh wow.
my eri is gonna be married.
boy am i happy for her!
;D

i wonder if things are gonna change, perhaps.
but our friendship?
i doubt that it will.
i love her, love her so much in so many ways to let our friendship be flawed with any minor changes. like always, we'd go our way and do our stuffs and think about each other once in a while. either of us is gonna send out an s.o.s mail when the missing gets ugly and set a day for a date like we always do. and we'd meet and talk for hours over drinks and stroll along the shop racks for clothes or make ups. or bitch over coffee and dwell on how to make things work on our ends.
i don't think these will change.
how i hope not.

am i invited?
of course!
:D

and for the first time ever, i gonna have the chance to attend a japanese wedding, and my, what dos and don'ts they have! and the dress code! am gonna have to buy a nice formal dress and a nice handbag to go with it, a pair of shoes too! believe me or not, i don't have any of those in my closet!
but i'm gonna be there :)
hey! she's gonna be having her reception in a hotel nearby my office! ain't that great? :D

eri hattori,
all the happiness in the world for you and yoshi.
and if he does anything stupid to hurt you,
you just call me up and i'll be there to bang his head ait?
mwahks!!!

ain't friendship a beautiful thing?

2006-03-11T17:44:00.000+09:00

nyeheheh

at firm, we all have to exchange our notebooks with a new series when due date comes. better specs and everything. but this time, the new pcs come into our hands with several problems that our IT team had a busy week analyzing the problem and mailing everyone with the work around method.

but mine was still no good even with those workarounds done.
so, i had to call up the IT team to tell them about it and ask for advice.
the very very nice senior came up to my floor and had it fixed,
i listened him say about how someone from the pc vendor should call int_l and complain about this. surprised, i asked him, haven't nobody done that?

yeah... he said. he did ask, but they say that nobody's bold enough to actually complain to int_l .
what? why??
owh.. simply because they're the kings in this business and they act like it too.

oh?
cheh.
>(

poor IT team :(

anyway, i had a half day leave from work yesterday.
paid a visit to the immigration bureau and the women's clinic. now my visa's extension is on it's way, and despite the non stop bleeding, everything's ok now according to mr. doc :D but i still have to go in for a check up in a week or two :P
bleargh!

because it was beautiful weather today, me and akuie decided to take a stroll around our beloved town, oono. oh my, what a wonderful a town oono is. it got me soooo tamed that i don't think i'd be moving out of here. ever :)

am so in the mood to eat and shop and catch a movie but work has to be done. the whole of engineering team is gonna be sitting for a qualification exam comes 29th and i'm thinking to score it. you know what that means... extra effort. urgh! :P

and you know what???
hahahhhhh... sangat gembirrrraaaaaaa :D

it was summer 2005, and we the new faces had to organize a summer break party for the firm. and i proposed an idea of a handmade novelty, all 200 pieces of bookmarks and did it all alone, by myself due to lack of good response from my fellow batchmates.

but?
the response i got from the human relations!
oh wow!
just melts my heart.
but of course, i didn't wear my name on it,
but instead, wrote presented by new faces '05.
eheh :P

then came the end of the year party and because of the response we got from before, we all decided to make another one. also, which i had to make on my own because, owh... it's easy for them to say that they wanna make it. not that they really wanna get down on their hands and knees to make one :P
words without meaning?
wanting without effort?
how i read them so well by then :P

i got these printed and laminated, and then punch 3 holes out of everyone of them and wallah!
a neckstrap strap!
the seniors hang these around their necks together with their office pass even today!
:D

what was more of a surprise was that this time, mr. ceo himself was impressed with the neckstraps and had me make them posters out of it! ulalaaaaa....
:D i made 5 samples but because mr. ceo loved the color blue, he chose this one:

there are meanings behind those colors but oh man... just simple designs. on simple bookmarks for summer and neckstraps for winter. and then the poster. but the appreciation it brought... hwahhh...

i thought that was that.
and went on with my usual everyday routine,
till i visited the firm's official homepage yesterday:

the words i had on those novelties.
the words i again and again printed out on those papers.
the thing i wanted everybody to remember in these hard times.

"Growth through Challenge,
Advantage through Speed."

to think that they got it.
to think that half of it is on the firm's official homepage.

sangat gembiraaaaaaaaa!!!!
:D

all those nights i got akuie helping me make them.
along with the stress of my real work as an AE during office hours forbidden to be sacrificed on this.
all those hours i had to steal to make them.

all paid off :)

sangat gembiraaaaaaaaa!!!!
:D

and you know what?
as we were taking the stroll today,
the flowers, they're rising up from sleep!
spring is soon to come!
:)

yeay!

2006-03-02T22:51:00.001+09:00

readyyy... settt...

okeh.
semalam? shin yoko.
tadi? nishi shinjuku.
esok? nishi shinjuku lagik.
pastu isnin kang? shin yoko.
then selasa? nishi shinjuku.
rabu? nishi shinjuku gak.
khamis baru balik tayang muka kat shin yoko.
jumaat ada master plan meeting lak eihhhh...

tskkkk...

sana sini keje.
well, training to be exact lah sebenarnyer.

balik umah temperature 10 degrees.
heater dah kelip2 dengan manja pasal tong minyak tanah dia dah kosong.
owhla...
saya sangat penat dan sangat malas nak isi tong awak lah encik heater.
takpe, try on aircond nyer heater.

10... 20... 30 minutes...
takde effect ponnnnnn...?
halloooo???
encik aircond???
are you alive?
cheh.

solution?
nak tak nak isi gak tong minyak
and while waiting for the room to heat up,
pagi mandi air panas lama2.
wallahhhhhh.....
heaven.

ini baru aku.
manager tercinta lagik lah.
takat ulang2 shin yoko ngan nishi shinjuku kira kacang jek.
mana tak nyer ari tuh osaka pegi ari ni balik esok, pastu the following week 3 ari kat us laks.

mang aihhh....
lespek sama manager tercinta.
mwah kat dia!
ekekeke...

unbelievable that minggu lepas2 i came to work for 2 days only :P
ovari kanan bengkak,
darah nonstop.
akakakak...

but takpe.
sebabbbbb... tadi kakak keiko tersayang dah ajar cemane nak gi spital without having to cuti without gaji. huhuhuuuuu... caaaaaaaaayang supervisor baru saye tuh! supervisor lama? bleh blahhhh... mwahahahah! team leader baru pun bestest nak mampos! caaaayang sumer orang except supervisor lama. heheheeee...

so this how a new business starts rupernyer.
hohoooo...
baru aku tau.
dulu tatau.
skang dah tau.
sumer orang lari sana sini,
datang pepagi buta,
balik tetengah malam.
tengah concerntrate buat keje sesedar dah kol 2230. and it was a friday night lak tuh!
eilaaaaaaa...

tapi kannnn...
sesibok cam nak gila pun actually kannn...
selonot sebenarnyer :D

sebab kan...
sumer orang cam sangat sebok
tapi sumer orang cam paham sumer orang sebok
dan sumer orang gila2 bertungkus lumus.
sumer orang sangat bekerjasama.
and sumer orang sangat appreciate apa yang orang lain buat.
and when ada sorang yang cam sangkut2,
siap manager pun join nak tolong dia cope.

oh wow.

not that pasal nak gaji naik or pangkat naik.
(gaji takdelah turun, but i don't think gaji akan naik for quite some time.)
just simply cuz takmo firm tumbang.
sebab we're all in the same team.

the other day encik ogawa yang sangat best cakap,
katalah firm gila babi dah senget sampai takleh bayar gaji dia yang tak seberapa tuh, dia sanggup keje for free to naik kan firm balik.
why?
that is how much he loves this firm.

kacchoiiii!!!
(cool gilaaa!!!)

and?
dia masuk sebulan jek lagi awal dari aku.
not new grad lah, dia dah keje dah kat satu syarikat yang sangat femes dan besar nih. mang hai tempat glamer camtu dia tinggal semata2 nak keje sinih.

cemane?
cemane tuh?

sebulan lagi kick off.

sumer orang lariiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!
lari laju lajuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!
:D

on a more personal level:
cheh.
siap ingat nak benti keje semata2 supervisor gila :P
this is all that you've dreamed.
it all came true cik edri weyh.
and u're having fun
and u're feeling good.
nasib baik tak putus asa awal2 dulu kan?
;)

awak nak carik keje?
meh datang keje kat tempat saye.
penat gila wooooo...
keje cam hanjeng wooooo...
tapi mang ai, bestest gila woooooo....
:D

so grateful.
so proud.
so honored to be part of this.

hek hek.
hek hek hek.

2006-02-25T08:10:00.000+09:00

tommys

angel song -iivu no kane-
the brilliant green
oct 15th 2000

kiri ni kakaru sora ni
(in the misty sky)
kane wa nari watari
(the bell rang thru and thru)
yoru to iu yasashiki
(kindness of the night)
to-oi sora no koibito e..
(for my lover in the far sky)

tameiki wa koyoi mo
(again tonight, my sigh)
yuki ni tozasareshi
(is covered by the snow)
bara no kusari wo hiku
(dragging a chain of roses)
kiyoraka na te huretakute..
(wanting to touch a hand so pure..)

the angel song
sasayaite, kono mimi moto ni
(whisper, in these ears)
tenshi no uta goe ga
(the voice of a singing angel)
kono sora wo kogasuyouni
(as if scorching this sky)
setsunakute, anatano tameni
(so painful, for you)
sora wo miageru tabi
(i look up to the sky)
yuki no keshiki wo omotta
(and think of the snowy scenery)
wasurenai..
(i'll never forget)

tsubasa aru tegami yo
(oh letter with wings)
subete azukeyo-ou
(i'll entrust everything)
samui kono yozora ni
(to this cold night sky)
akai tsuki to
(the red moon and)
iivu no kane
(the eve's bell)

the angel song
aitakute
(missing you)
sora wo miageta
(i looked up to the sky)
anata ga kureta hane
(the wings you gave to me)
ima mou to-oi madobe ni
(now by a far window paine)
omoide wa utsukushii kedo
(memories are beautiful but)
yagate toketeshima-u
(they melt away sooner or later)
yuki ni naru nara
(so if you're turning into snow then)
hayaku tsukamaete
(hurry and seize me)
dakishimete hoshii...yeah
(please hold me...yeah)

kazu shiranu omoi wo nose nagareteku...☆☆☆
(numerous thoughts i entrusted and let it flow to you...☆☆☆)

sasayaite, kono mimi moto ni
(whisper, in these ears)
tenshi no uta goe ga
(the voice of a singing angel)
kono mune wo kogashiteku!
(burning this heart of mine!)
aojiroi kono yuki zora ni
(in this pale snowy sky)
kurisumasu wo tsugeru
(announcing the coming of christmas)
tenshi no kane ga hibiku
(the bell of angels echoes)
koko ni ite
(stay with me)
sei naru hoshi no shita..
(under the holy star...)

setsunakute, sora wo miageta
(so painful, i look up to the sky)
itsuka misete kureta
(you showed me some time ago)
yuki no keshi ki wo omotta
(the snowy scenery, i thought of it)
wasurenai..
(i'll never forget)
wasurenai..
(i'll never forget)

the brilliant green.
the BRILLIANT brilliant grren :)

one of the first artists i fell in love with when i first came to this island :) and another one would be shena ringo :)

how nostalgic it is when i think about those days now.

sure i was in jmc for 2 years before i came here to this island. attending those classes. learning maths and physics and chemistry in japanese. with japanese text books. taking 'em japanese tests. but hey, the school was in bandar baru bangi for god's sake :P and as soon as 'em classes ended, poof!! there goes all those japanese stuff's off of my head. and as expected, i was as blind as a mouse when i came here. not a word i could understand :P

i was with adi back then, and i remember how i cringed at the thought of going to the 7-eleven having to do my shopping alone. afraid that if the guy at the register would say something to me, i wouldn't know what to reply. and adi, would be my faithful escort everytime :)

the real deal.
hoh.
nothing like i've imagined.

but oh how i love those songs playing over and over on the tv. and oh how i wanted their cds. i didn't know the name of the band, or the title of the song. the only thing i knew was the tune of the song. so i'd drag adi and wanja out to hachioji city and browse through the cd racks, hoping that the faces i recognize would be on the cover of the cds - to no avail :(

i remember the time when i helplessly searched through the cds over and over again when suddenly the song i so loved played through the speakers. i ran to the counter asking the guy where is the cd of the song. and he looked surprised but kindly walked me to where the thing was :)
gila klaka. gila selamba :P

those days.
and those nights that i'd fall asleep
with their songs playing in my ears.
:)

that was in 1999.
7 years passed and here i am.

with 7 years, of growth and tranformation.
and i got to experience those along with these artists i so love. i wear spectacles to help my sight now. i wear my hair long often than i did before. and i'm no longer as impulsive as i'd like to be.

shena ringo had changed her music over the years. and she's no longer solo, performing together with those other guys, under the name of 'tokyo incidents'.

the girl in the clip, tomoko kawase - the vocal of the band, had started performing solo as tommy february6 : a sweet and cheeky playful disco music character. and later, as a more gothicky punkish tommy heavenly6. i love all of those tommys.

after 4 years of degree learning and 2 years of struggling for masters. i've graduated twice and now i get up everyday to attend to the tasks given at work. walking and talking like japanese does. giving out seminars and solving those technical questions in japanese like it's natural. so natural that i actual dream in japanese :P

who would've thought?
when back in stf i scored 4th last in among all the sbps in the japanese common test :P
hahah!
bengong.

i guess we just dont know where life is gonna take us.
and where our split second decisions would lead us to.
and what things we gain and lose with our whimsical persecutions.

but some things never change.
i don't think i can survive without the songs i love ringing in my ears.
i still love tommy and ringo for the words they sing in their songs. the questions and truth and feeling in their words. and the life they blow into those words with the rhythm they play. the beauty of the words they own.

and some other things?
deepen.

like the love i have for my family.
the love i have for my friends.
the trust i have in him :)

my hope and dreams of the future,
they grow every day.

life.
one strange lesson huh?

*a happy belated 31st bday to tommy dearest*

Lonely in Gorgeous
tommy february6
30th nov 2005

gozen reiji tobidashita
(stormed out at noon)
tobira wo ketto bashite
(kicked the door open)
garasu no kutsu ga warete
(my glass shoe broke)
doresu mo yabureta
(and i ripped my dress too)

ne-e, akirete-irun desyou?
(tired of me aren't you?)
oikakete mo konai
(didn't even come to chase me)
namida ga afurete
(tears over flow)
mo-u hashirenai wa...
(i can't run anymore...)

jerashii kamo..
(could be jealousy)
setsunai
(how it hurts)

lonely in.. gorgeous yeah
party night.. i'm breaking my heart
ima sugu mitsukete
(hurry and find me)
dakishimete hoshii
(please hold me)

heddo.. raito ga hikaru..
(the headlight shines)
where are you bad boy?

ai no suka-afu de
(with the scarf of love)
namida wo fuite
(i wipe my tears)
nanni mo mienai..
(i can't see anything..)

hoshi kuzu wo kaki atsume
(i gather the star crumbs)
anatana ni butsuketai
(to throw them at you)
naze kamau no?
(why do you even care?)
jibun shika aisenai kuseni
(when you only love yourself)

shitsuren kamo..
(could be break up)
maji nano?
(wait, really?)

lonely in.. gorgeous yeah
party time.. umaranai
(party time.. unfilled void)
anataga inaito
(without you)
kara-appo na sekai
(an empty world)

yume no.. suzuki ga mitai..
(i wanna see the rest of our dream)
i miss you bad boy
kirameki no naka ni tojikomenaide
(don't leave me wondering)
kowareteshimau wa..
(i'll go crazy..)

lonely in gorgeous
i'm breaking my heart
where are you bad boy?
lonely in party night

lonely in gorgeous
i'm breaking my heart
i miss you bad boy
lonely in party time

lonely in.. gorgeous yeah
party night.. waraenai
(party night.. can't smile)
nanimo iranai
(i don't need anything)
tada soba ni ite
(only wanna be with you)

lonely in.. gorgeous yeah
party night.. i'm breaking my heart
anataga nokoshita
kirameki no hako no naka de..
(inside the glittering box you left..)
kodoku wo daite.. ugokenai
(i hold this loneliness.. paralyzed)
nanimo iranai no
(said i don't need anything)
tada soba ni ite
(only wanna be with you)

hizamazuite
(get on your knees)
watashi wo mite
(look at me)
ai wo chikatte
(swear your love)

"Ready?"
tommy february6
20th jul 2005

ok?
ok?

ok?
ok?

sometimes with my heart
i feel like just running away
doko demo nai, doko ka
(some where, any where)

my pretty sadness
uke tomete
(accept it)
hi pretty princess
let's have a tea together

get ready!
then if you come i'll sing for you
& just for me
nani ka ga kawaru made
(till something clicks)
yeah baby
nanni mo iwanaide
(don't say anything)
koe wo koroshite nomikonde
(kill your voice and swallow it)

ok?
mou sukoshi dake soba ni iru no nara
(if you insist to stay a little longer)
kokoro womisete mo ii
(i could show you a piece my heart)
my pretty sadness
kono yoru ni
(this night)
hey dreamy princess
let's make a wish together

get ready!
i can tell fairy tales for you
& just for me
namida ga koboretemo
(even if i cry)
ima wa
(for now)
nannimo kikanaide
(don't ask)
it's ok
nanika ga kuzuretemo
(even if something crumbles)

ki ni shinaide
(don't mind me)

can you come to get some ice creams with me?
can you bake a pinky cup cake with me together?

get ready!
then if you come i'll sing for you
& just for me
nanika ga kowaretemo
(even if something breaks)
yeah baby
nannimo iwanaide
(don't say anything)
koe wo koroshite nomikonde
(kill your voice and swallow it)
get ready!
i can tell fairy tales for you
& just for me
namida ga koboretemo
(even if i cry)
ima wa
(for now)

hey don't say anything

it's just for you..

2006-02-11T14:28:00.000+09:00

1st entry

2 months into the new year and this is my 1st entry for 2006.
lag lagi tabley? :P
hahaaaaaaaaaaa.... :P

from human issues to technology issues to performance issues... all warped into days and weeks of getting up going to the office and coming back physically in need of slumber.
days of a so called "society person".

syakaijin tte... kono koto nanda... tte tamani omou.

physically drained.
and sleeping has become a hobby.

but,
still i get up in the morning everyday and get myself on the 30 minutes train ride. i bitch and complain sometimes. i let out a long sigh once in a while too. but how is it that the word quitting haven't crossed my mind in a long time now?

truth is,
i yearn to get myself out of the building once the clock strikes 1720hr every single day. truth is that very same every single day, i worry about whether anyone would be in trouble if i went home, absent to their need of my assistance.
that is why i stay.

sometimes because of the work load, but most of the time i stay to make sure that everyone is gonna be ok after i leave.

sometimes i think oh come on edri, it's all in your head lah.
am not a manager. nor a team leader. not even a sub leader.
let's go home lahhhhh....

but then, nothing beats when yabuki-san would sometimes call out my name asking me to help him with his presentation. or when he'd ask me for a meeting, appointing me to an assignment with a financial goal.

or when the other senior aes would appoint me to a task, sure that if i'm the one responsible, the work would be done. or when someone from internal relations would suddenly call me on the phone asking me to gather the new faces for a picture in the stock holder's brochure. nothing beats when the ceo would suddenly call my name up front in the whole firm meeting asking me to explain about the motivation behind the paltek poster he had appointed me to make and put up all around the office building.

i guess these are the things that i'm addicted to.
the trust i receive from these fine people.
it's them who keeps me going no matter drained i am the day before.

perhaps, i am unconsciously more alive than i was before.
perhaps, i am finally getting the hang of it.
perhaps, i am actually enjoying this.

maybe, i like it here.

yeah... could be that.
could be that.

2005-12-17T22:03:00.000+09:00

aftermath

and so, i reached home at about 0040 last night. all thanks to this one man who fell off the platform onto the train track somewhere at toukaichiba :P

today, while akuie had to work all the day away i sat here at home, succumbing into those words and music i had loved : the smashing pumpkins, james iha, ash, the wannadies.

and all of them pretty words got me to this.
do you guys still remember when you were younger, and love was all brand new? and the pain of wanting but can't having was so addictive?

when just seeing his/her face would make you go all butterfly inside? when you can never get enough of hearing his/her voice in your ears? when you stand beside yourself when you're together, unable to believe that you're actually in each other's company? all the thoughts of him/her that runs through your mind every night before you surrender into slumber? or how your heart aches just at the thought of your times together?
do you remember those times?
sweet ain't it?

i have had my shares of those roller coaster, adrenaline fed days and nights. but now, when i think about how every one of those ended, i guess i was young. and all in all, we all choose security over excitement. all in all, we all move to settle down. now that is where love becomes love.

and a day like today, when i had to wait for akuie to call when he'd finally finish his day at the office, makes me realize that i actually miss him when he's not around.

:)

he forgives my ambition.
he understands my desperation.
he supports my wanting to make it.
he offers his hand in it.

this month marks our entrance to our 5th year together.
our homework?
how to keep it all fresh despite the time that had passed.

one and two
by james iha

you and i are one and two
if you count we were both torn in two

you and i are one and two
both our hearts beat as one did
and you..

but is it ok?
is it ok if i runaway?
is it ok when your love has faded away?

if i hold you tight and never let go
if i hold you tight and never let show
the way i feel
all around me
i know its you

you and i are hopeless too
if i give you all my heart could
and i'm true
(i need you)

all my life i waited for
and there's nothing left
no there's no one else here to live for
anymore..

but is it ok?
is it ok if i, i can't escape in good faith?
or live just one more longer day?

aah..
aah..
aah..

if i hold you tight and never let go
if i hold you tight and never let show
the way God moves deep inside of you
and i swear its you
i hold you tight and never let go
if i hold you tight and never let go
if i hold you tight and never let go

if i hold you in my arms forever
all around me
all around me
and i swear its you

:)
malam ni nak makan ape yer?

2005-12-16T22:07:00.000+09:00

friday ending

now now...
so guess where i'm at and with who right now?
hahahahahah...

i am... at an empty 7th floor at the office. sitting on a chair at where we all call the "plasma b meeting room", blogging. nolah, bekerja sambil blogging okeh?

with? my good ol (not really cuz he's a year younger than my bro hakim actually) buddy suzuki doing what we call "MySupport information updating and counting" :P

good gracious it's already work week #50. and in a week and a half???? t'is the end of the year holidays! yeay!!!

well here i am, at plasma b with suzuki. we're the only ones here right now. bent in front of the pc, doing MySupport. hwarghhhh... and it's 2215hr right there on the clock up the wall. wahaiyooo... workaholic? hahah... yeah right :P and??? yoohooooo.... it's friday night loh...

suzuki : woiiii... fuzakenna yo tte. hora mite. nan nan dayo kore?
woiiii... macam sial. tengok nih. amende nih?

adori : taiousya? shiraneiyo. taiou dare ya nen?
correspondence? tatau. sape la gamaknye correspondence?

suzuki : wakarahen tsuu no :P tekitou de ii?
itula tatauuuuuuu.... lebey kurang bley?

adori : un. ii yo. matsushita de ii yo.
un. bley. taruk je matsushita.

suzuki : yosh! control c control v. oi dare? mada wakaranei noka? ah? nandaaa..
haaaiii... imi wakannei. hai mou shirannai.
wokeh! control c control v. oi sape? tatau lagi ker? ah? aaaapela. okeyyyy... tak paham. okeh, dah pegi mampos.

adori : kowareta ne.
dah gila eh?

adori pun got back to merekod-kan kesangapan perbualan kami....

suzuki: ah? adori, naindakedo?
ah? adori, takde plak?

adori: nani ga?
apenyer?

suzuki : nakakoshi-san.
nakakoshi-san

adori : doko?
kat ner?

suzuki : koko.
sini ah

adori : nai ne.
takde ek

suzuki : nande nai?
apsal takde?

adori : uuunnnto...
emmmm....

adori pun mengintai suzuki nyer pc screen mencari nama nakakoshi-san in the excel list.

adori : nai ne. ireta?
takde ek. dah isi lom?

suzuki : uumm.. mada.
uumm.. blom.

adori : mada na no? dakara naindayoooo!! naaannda :P
blom lagi ker? memangla takdeeee!! apeeeeela :P

suzuki : soudane... iretenai kara naindayo ne.
ha ah ek... tak isi lagik memangla takde ek.

adori : dayo.
itulah pasal

ekekeke... pok pek pok pek... suzuki... suzuki... tak abih2 membebel.

funny guy. not like crazy funny, he's like real quiet if you don't really know him. the kinda "not so into mingling with people" type a guy. not really good at showing himself, but one heck of a funny guy. quiet and hard to reach for some people, but am i glad that we're in the same team ;)

mooo... iya ni nacchauuu...
ahhh... naik menyampoahhh...
kata suzuki.

akakakaaka...
lawak gila mamat nih.

so skang suzuki sudah senyap + dengan penuh tekunnyer meng-update kan MySupport excel tuh. anyway, me and him, agree on most of things. like... rasa nak tendang2 jek mamat tuh. or, dia tu dah kenapa? ingat besar sangat ker? weh weh, jom kita gi tanya senior tuh pasal mende nih etc etc. so well, you can see why i'm sooooo lah the very grateful that we ended up in the same ae team ;)

sambung keje.
sambung keje.

wokeh.
ada tanda2 bleh balik.
better pack.

so ok guys,
looks like i'm not gonna have to sleep over at the office tonite!
;)
yeay!

yossha!
suzuki kaerou!
suzuki jom balik!

otsukaresama de-----s!!!!
good job today!

suzuki from where i sit everyday.

time to go home.

2005-11-26T09:09:00.000+09:00

adori! chance da!!

good grace, finally, i have some air to breath on.

my oh my, how i only write about work lately :P
guess my life really revolves around the office nowadays :P
tskk tskk... have work become my life???
tskkk!!!
gawwwd, i hope not!

but still, more on what i was doing this past week at work!
akakaka...
no life no life no story but work storyyyyy.. :P

so the week started.
monday, i was at my desk by 0835hr, and at 0915 me and 1 of my senior, kouji-san was pushing the 14pcs packed carrier cases ridden trolley down the basement. 0930hr, we were out on the streets of yokohama, heading for gunma! yeay!

so there we were by noon : gunma, at our customer's office and i started giving out the seminar. it was ok i guess. y'know, nothing beats it when customers come up and say thanks to you.
really.
such a warm feeling it is :)

by 2000hr, we reached office, back in shin-yokohama. and after unpacking and returning the pcs back to their cabinets,
my work ended that day.

then came thursday, when we were out on the road before the morning chime even rang at the office. riding the highway, we were on our way to? yamanashi! this time it was sou-san and wakamatsu-san who invited me to join them for a picnic style outstation-ing! hahah! so it was thursday when they'd tell me, "adori! chance da!" over and over and over again everytime mount fuji comes into our sight!
hahahaha... man... one fun outing it was!
according to them, the theme for our outing that day was :
adori ni nihon bunka wo motto shitte morau koto da!
(for edri to get to know the japanese society closer)

we arrived in yamanashi at noon. where the southern alps surrounded the customer's office. it was magnificent! so again, i did the seminar, at we arrived back at office as the clock struck 2300hr.

work was fun for me this week. i got to go else where, to the places i haven't been before. see mount fuji standing strong so close before my eyes. enjoyed the beautiful sight of reddening leaves along the way. got to have a taste of houtou, the koufu's famous udon :) but y'know, nothings tops when you sit in the car, talking about lotsa things with the seniors. what whole lot, i had a chance to learn. things i'd never be able to pick up by sitting in the office. man... they are the front line, these kinda info, you ain't gonna get it else where. i'm pretty sure about that, yep. if i had my notebook right there on my lap,
i'd be writing everything they were telling me.

and then came friday, when all curtains fall for the week. i did what i said i wanted to be done, designing a PLL source and investigated it on the oscilloscope on how the theory works. and then learnt how to generate a frequency clock on the data generator. later did some tools downloading and tried my hands on it. i was thinking about packing up for the day when suddenly my manager called out to me and said,
"adori, i've sent you a mail".

"haaaai!" i said, thinking that maybe he's got some english documents he wants me to help correct. only, that was not the case.

and so, last night, he had invited me on a dinner : talking about now, and how things should take place in the near future, what should be done, the knowledge we should seek, the kind of customer support we will be offering. also about the jagged relationship between me and my supervisor, how i should be taking what comes, or rather, as cold as it may sound, manipulate things or people around me to get myself further ahead. and we talked about the world, japanese society, about the road i have walked and the road he had been thru to the point that we were sitting at the same table eating and drinking :) a lot of advices, a lot of proven experiences, and i got a peek of what goes on in the head of the people at a higher level than me. how my troubles seemed petty compared to the wall they are up against.
am gonna treasure these experiences.
superb it was. totally superb.

and so, as the week ended, i've got a whole lot to carve into my mind. and i marvel how true are the words that say, when you try your best, someone is bound to take you into notice. and when you show diligence and motivation, chances might just fall into your lap. no matter how you seriously thought about quitting all thru the dire process,
insyaAllah, He will see you through.
how true.

phewhhh... so all in all... the week was a good week for me. maybe the 1st good week i have had since i step foot here. and it starts now, all the hurdles i'm gonna have to jump over. things may get tough, but atleast, i've got some things to hold on to if the wave should go crazy on me. and i know it will. tengoklah, next week kang cam hampeh balik. akakakaak... but then again, ikut cakap manager, manipulate! manipulate!! ekekekek...

that's all for now.
i should try to find something else to write about next time
other than work hoh?

now now...
gunma checked,
yamanashi checked,
where should we go to next?
akakakaka...
bestest betol!!!!

adori!
chance da!!!
(here's your chance!!)

2005-11-20T09:47:00.001+09:00

bloody truth

it's a fine autumn day today,
and while doing some laundry (piles actually),
i'm gonna update abit (alot?)
before i settle down some work for the office :)

been a while huh?
phewh! so here goes!

1. what's up with me?
WORK.
TONS and MEGATONS of workload.
hahah.

klaka gila. that i'd go back home and still gotta do some stuffs for office. wallahhh... kerje kerje kerje dan kerje.
yep.
i'd wake up at 0630 on better days, 0700 on days not so great, hit the shower and get ready and step onto the train for a 1/2 an hour ride to work. things would start to run even before the chime rings at the office. well the idea is, work starts at 0850. work STARTS at 0850. means that you're gonna have to be at your desk atleast 10 minutes early to get ready and prepare. y'know, like scheduling for the day, email checking and stuffs. because? work STARTS at 0850.

so well, usually i'd be at my desk by 0835, or 0840 the latest. there's the morning chime signalling the start of the day at office. and then there's the evening chime signalling that you can leave for home. only if you're positively sure all your work for the day are settled. of course, nobody leaves at 1720. hahah. you gotta have guts to do that really :P

well lately, i have been leaving quite late from the office. why? hohohoooo... i had this big review day as a presenter for the internal seminar last week. so... all the preparing and checking and practising and getting criticized and doing all the paper work all over again only to be pointed out with:
1) insufficient info
2) abundant amount of info
3) terrible japanese
4) etc etc...

damn those were the hell days. i was down so low, my motivation level hit bottom that i even seriously thought about quitting the job and packing my bags for good :P everything i did was wrong. and when i redid it the exact way my supervisor told me to, all i got was another bashing. i was running circles and hitting walls along the way.

the day came.
with real customers and keeping the seminar on time and everything.
had a fight with my supervisor early in the morning and that lead to another series of hidden crying and a serious scheming about sending my resignation letter to the team leader.

BUT,
i held it down just enough to be able give out the seminar.
i was busy calming myself the 1st half of the whole day session,but from 1300hr to 1720hr, i did stand up there and gave out the lecture.

of course, with the incident earlier in the day i didn't have the cheery face i should have had when the seminar ended. and that made everyone who came out to congratulate me wonder. isk... pagi2 buta dah gadoh tah pape, sape tak sangap weyh...

and with that done, 2 on site training seminars soon added to my work schedule. those are gonna happen monday, that's tomorrow lah kan, and another on thursday. and with on site training there comes customizing the seminar and the paper work, so this whole week i was on that. plus, some other unexpected ASAP work that came with the sudden major change of direction the firm has decided on, came last thursday.

2. major change
now here's the part of the bloody truth. damn one scary world we live in.
since the press release has been announced and the whole thing is now out there, i feel it's ok to elaborate a little. ok, i'll elaborate but i don't think i'm gonna be clear about it, so..
the news is, the firm is gonna change direction.
and its a 180 flip kinda change.

in the semiconductor business world, there are a few giant makers competing for market and shares. the 2 tops are neck and neck to win, so that when you crack up open your electronic goods: any electronic goods, anywhere in the world, BAM! it's their chip you're gonna say hello to.

so for 20 years, we've been distributing for this maker when they were still vendors, only starting out. during those 20 years, of course, there are some good times, and then there some bad times. like human's 1 to 1 relationship, try 20 years of it. although in business that's still like a marriage! hahah.

anyway, we have been meeting the margin although just barely. mostly due to assignments (y'know, like this customer you can touch, this one you can't, those stuffs). and then, just out of the blue, our ceo received the word : termination.

imagine when you have about 200 employees beneath you, with wife and children, mouths to feed. and the word termination ringing in your ears. damn.

but with God's will, we were able to turn this pinch into a big chance when the rival maker offered to take us in. yes, we've been neck to neck fighting for market with this maker, and now, the intent letter is out on the press release that we're gonna be in their team, fighting for them. because we're a listed firm, this all was kept hush hush until the press release. that was when we all knew.
180 flip, bravo to the tops!

3. change of heart
back on a more low level change, so i seriously thought about packing my bags for good. the pressure was just too much for me to handle then, that i cried almost everyday at work :P was branded a crybaby and that sucked big time. but when i asked people who knew me better, have i turned into a crybaby? they denied it, and said, maybe i'm just tired. my heart is starting to wear out so a little rest might be good. hard headed that i am, of course i didn't take the advice on taking some serious rest but when the press release came out and we were called out for a sudden whole firm meeting, everything changed. everything.

first the ceo spoke of what had happened. and apologized for keeping it from us, and said thank you for our hard work despite all the hush hush that went around. he again apologized for making some of us anxious and insecure about the future of our worklife. and then he spoke of motivation. how a pinch wont hurt us if we wont let it. and how one trouble could actually open some unexpected doors of chance.

and then our vice ceo spoke. our vice ceo, he's the top manager for my division, the division that is most affected by what had happen, and he again and again apologized saying that he's responsible for all this, that he understands how we all rely on him and how he should have done a better job. and he thanked us for how we stood our ground all this while, trying to reach the numbers, staying back late just to do that. and then he too spoke of what the future might hold for us, depending on how we are willing to make it happen. he was fighting to keep his tears from falling. but the last thing he said was :

"kono kaisya wa nani ga attatte, hito ni wa te wo tsukenai"
whatever happens to this firm, it's not gonna lay a finger on anybody

meaning, whatever happens, this firm would never even consider laying people off. with those words, his voice broke. most of us cried with him. i didn't cry. i was shocked. all the things i heard when i was in school, how matsushita kounosuke cried apologizing to his employees when the firm hit a slump, how he resigned from being the ceo and went down to sales and with that built the company back... man, i actually witnessed that kind of humanity with my own eyes.

my eyes burned, but no tears were shed due to the shock. my heart? it changed right then and there. i decided to stay. thoughts of resignation left my brain that very instance. i can't leave. not now. stay back late, even sleep over at the office if i have to. this change is gonna work. for me and for the firm. i'll be one of the people who's gonna make it work. this i vow to the fine firm i now work for. to the nice people, the vice ceo who came down personally to meet and talk with me when i went in for the interview last year. the ceo who time and again came down to talk to us during our training, sharing his thought and dreams and fears. the ceo who generously invited one of his good buddy, hirata-san (i'll never forget him), who made victor japan's VHS be the video standard world wide, to come and talk to us directly, the new faces.

now where else am i gonna find these kinda people to work for? where else am i gonna find such fine examples to learn from if one day i might have the guts and resources to build my own firm?
there's nowhere but here.
nowhere but here.

one fine firm, i'm gonna make sure it stands tall for a long the long run.

4. aidilfitri 2005
mwahahah! so... with all the things i told you up there, i guess you might be wondering or already know what my raya was like. ekekekek... my raya was like the past 6 rayas, nothing, no raya. just bleh gi lunch balik ngan bebudak batchmate :D hahahah... well, damn belated i know, but:

HAPPY EID PEEPS!
hope you guys had a blessed raya this year.
with it may more happiness and improvements comes your way.
AMIN....
mintak maaf banyak2 kat sumer2...
saya ni mulut celupar sikit.. kong ajo sikit... blur sikit...
papehal, mintak maaf bbyk yerrrr :D

thousands of thank yous for all who dropped a line wishing me, reminding me that puasa is not a year long event ekekekek...

well these might be boring, but i went to the meiji jingu with akuie the other day, so here are some pictures of us :)
yes, we're alive and yes, we are well.

so that's all for now folks.
another 2 piles of laundry to go, and some preparation for tomorrow's on site seminar waiting for my attention :P

see ya soon! (i hope)

2005-10-10T05:52:00.001+09:00

monday morning feeling

1. on work
nothing beats this, monday morning feeling on a monday morning without work ;) oh yeah. no work today and i have the day to myself to do what ever i like, or not do anything as i like ;)

but arghh.. bengong. come on la edri, don't go there la...
ishk but think i just might have to. gotta do some of them office work today :P gotta revise the presentation on Quartus II for reviewing next week. ayooo... it's a holiday la... why do you have to think about work??? but cannot lah, i promised oready. gotta be able to breeze through the seminars by the end of this year. i just gotta.

anyway, happy ramadhan you peeps! another one of my colleague have been leaving early from work the day the holy month started. as early as 1830hr that is. wallah! i can't say i am able to do the same. not after i've heard about what some people have to say about that. at this trying times of the year. hmmhhhh... but hey, he says he's married and he won't let his wife break the fast alone. he's got his reasons. and he's no japanese that's one thing. me? eheh, i'm still figuring out me.

well one thing i've been torturing akuie with questions was, ishk.. these people, is it me or they just don't have a life? man all they do is work. and spend the money they earn like there's tomorrow. one of my senior, i like him alot cuz he's real nice and funny and goddamn friendly, well, too friendly if you listen to all the sexual harassment jokes he feels comfortable telling me :P it is fun when i get to wail and complain once in a while about him aloud in the office ;) but the thing that makes me wonder is how he on and on say that he misses spending time with his newly born little girl, and yet, stay at the office till late hours. and i know, by the time he gets home, his precious little girl would be sound asleep and not up yet by the time he leaves home for office. like, watta?

one funny island i gotta tell you.

oh well, as long as they're all happy i guess it's okay. me? like i said, i'm still figuring out me. but i wouldn't wanna turn out that way once i start having children. hell, i wouldn't wanna turn out that way ever. hahah, but my mind is on work on a holiday :P erghhhh.....

2. on my hair
it's heavy cloud over here on a monday morning and it seems t'is gonna be rain over the whole week :P but i'm thinking about paying a visit to the beauty saloon today. get my hair fixed :P my hair, is the longest i have ever worn in my whole 26 years of life and damn... i really don't know how to wear them :P how is it do you wear it? long hair i mean?

3. on friends + colleagues
one thing about me is... damn i suck at keeping in touch with people. and that includes my family too actually :P if you notice at how i on and off update this blog, you'll know what i mean. dissappearing, guess i should write that down if i'm gonna have to do another resume next time :P

another thing is, well, when i was back home, all young and wild and damn happy like the world would never end, i never really had trouble making friends. even when i suck at making a good 1st impression, i always, always had friends. well, i guess i mean, not friends like friends, like... friends who are my confidants. i used to have no trouble at that. but then i took a chance and step foot on this funny island and my life did a 180 and bam! here i am, no friends. not even just "hi how have you been" friends. all i had was, adori could you teach me english friends, or can i copy your homework friends or can you explain to me what does this stupid equation means friends. damn sucked. and that went on for 6 years. 6 damn years heh! i wonder sometimes how i could stay sane over the years. could be akuie, and i'm gonna hafta thank him for that :)

and when i got into paltek, damn am i desperate for a change. and you know what? now is much more fun that i've got them, these kids, my friends. woah... life is much better now. there's 10 of us including me, the new faces of 2005. mari, tomo, puu, pii, and suzuki is 24 this year. tee is 25. cha and cheung are 26, just like me. then there's gishi and khalid, they're 27. we're all in good terms no matter how colorful our age and characters might be. when the 10 of us gets together for a friday night out after work, there's just no ending the night. and the nicest thing is we all try to watch out for each other. which reminds me that today's khalid's bday and i'm gonna have to not forget to get him something for tomorrow!

they have the funniest nick don't they? especially puu and pii. i gave them that nick and the story behind that was, well puu, i started calling him puu-tan cuz he's plays rugby, so he's got a good big build of body, and as the story goes, he loves eating honey and sleeps like a bear, hence, mr pooh! the disney bear! and then everybody started calling him that, puu-tan :D cute eh? he is! i'll give you that! ;)

and then there's pii. well it's actually come from the letter P. cuz, he's just so skema and everything that we all made up a story, that he actually isn't and all he does on his free time is think about porn and dirty stuffs, and we joked that he was a hentai (pervert). and for the first time did he actually complain but he seemed to like people teasing him, but pervert was too long a word for a nick, and i suggested why not P, the capital letter of the word pervert ;) and the name stayed stuck on him till today :)

although in good terms with everyone, but due to the difference of schedule and work load, with time, i gotta say i'm closest with mari and pii. and cha when she has a few minutes to spare before running around sales. i used to hate gishi's guts but we're okay now. infact, we're work good with eachother and damn does that surprised me! and tomo is always as sweet, just that even though we really wanna just spend time alone talking with eachother, our schedules just don't match. tee, well, he's drifting away from the group due to work. cheung and khalid, they're the international color of the group, his 4th year here for khalid, at it's his first autumn for cheung.

things were hell for me at work for some time before this. and all the while they kept listening to me whinings and strugglings and i thought, man... how maddening would it be if i hadn't had them?

i guess i am blessed to be in this group. guess i'm blessed to have been chosen to come into the firm along them. and i wonder how long is this gonna prevail before one of them decided to look somewhere else for a job or build up arrogance once they have a step foot up the ladder.

such is life i guess.
such is life.
but life is good :)

2005-09-26T22:04:00.000+09:00

sleepy head

nantok tau nantok
:P

my god i donno if it's me or the weather but mang hai nantok gila lately nih. now these are the times when i get jealous of budak2 bulu tuh, boboi ngan lulu. tido tido tido bangun main makan tido tido tido. arghhh bestest gillaaaa...

anyhoo... update from the last entry was that i didn't go to hell. hehehe... it was ok laaaa... blehlaaa... adala kena puji2 sket but heh, baru introduce pld world jek, bukan nyer ngajor the whole training so... blehlaa... :P

other than that i had 2 long weekends in a row and while the 1st one was awesome that it left me without mood for work the next 3 days in office, the latter was tak best lansung :P due to the sad heavy sky brought by typhoon # uh? i donno la i forgot oready :P

damn nantok gila.

so cuz of the unfine weather, me and akuie ended up? AUTUMN CLEANING THE APARTMENT. ekekekeke... yep. at the end of sunday the amount of sampah we had thrown out was like eh you guys moving out ker? like that :P apala punya klaka punya weekend. but it's good la. umah pun dah cantik... but i doubt it's gonna last long though. selagi ada budak2 bulu 2 ekor nih jadik tukang sepah, tengok ah, minggu depan kang tongkang pecah balik :P eylaaaaa....

anyway, 4 more days till the next weekend and tomorrow my supervisor will be on leave (woohoo!) and the day after tomorrow i'll be attending the Quartus II for beginners hands on training for the THIRD time since i step foot into the division. i hope that it'll be fine weather this weekend. rerasa cam nak jejalan la plaks ;) nak gi mana eh?

okiess... sesudahla tu edri. mengarut tak abis2 bukan ada citer menarik pon :P hahaaaaa... aits... if anybody's reading this, good day ahead mate!

:)

2005-09-15T22:09:00.000+09:00

debut!

oh my god oh my god oh my GOAT!!!!
ulalaaaaaaa....
what to do?
edri's going crazy oreadyyy....

see, tomorrow i'm gonna have my debut into the world of... doing a presentation (that's no debut la kan) IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF CUSTOMERS!!! wallahhhh!!!! demmit!!!

seminar otsukarasamadesu. soredewa saigo ni jyuugohunn hodo ojikann wo itadakimashite watakushi no houkara PLD WORLD to PALTEK SERVICE nitsuite go annai wo sasete itadakimasu. seminar otsukarasamadesu. soredewa saigo ni jyuugohunn hodo ojikann wo itadakimashite watakushi no houkara PLD WORLD to PALTEK SERVICE nitsuite go annai wo sasete itadakimasu. seminar otsukarasamadesu. soredewa saigo ni jyuugohunn hodo ojikann wo itadakimashite watakushi no houkara PLD WORLD to PALTEK SERVICE nitsuite go annai wo sasete itadakimasu.

now these are the things polluting my mind since yesterday. haaaaahhhhhh... wahaiyooooo... bleh ke? bleh ke ni?

freaked out man.
totally freaked out.

well, i gotta say that work had been hell for a while there. that i actually doubted whether the plan to work here was CRAP to start with. but then, things got better (or it could be just me thinking so when it's actually not :P) and i'm actually having fun again at work. ONLY, damn i'm tired. stamina, where do you get that? hoh? can you wire me some info? cuz i'd like to have some of that. no, REALLY.

anywayyyyyy... tomorrow's a big day. and man have i put a great deal of effort into that. well, whether things go well, or i go to hell, 'tis gonna be a long weekend up till monday and i'm actually a little bit giddy about going places and have fun. so we'll see yeah?

till then.....
arghhh!!!! ini baru nak introduce PLD WORLD ngan PALTEK SERVICE. blom lagi nak kena mengajor orang guna Quartus II plaks. cemane? cemane? cemane niiii????

hok hok hok.
muahahhahahah...
kan aku dah kata aku dah gila?
:P

2005-09-05T22:51:00.000+09:00

eaten up!

okeh. so there's katrina, and then there's number 14.
what am i talking about?
the sky.
the merciless hurricane and the biggest i've ever seen a typhoon coming to eat us up someday tomorrow or the day after that. yep, 'tis gonna come and eat the whole island of japan. hahahaaaaa... i wonder how serene would the eye be, with this size of twirling wind. could be spectacle but i don't think i could actually experience that cuz i'd be either at work or home tired :P oh well.

i have been missing home like crazy this past week. why? i dont really know. but i have a hunch that maybe i'm getting tired of things here. maybe i'm getting tired of this place, i donno. but it ain't all that bad actually. i have friends now. and i have boboi and lulu who's always excited seeing me when i get home every night. and sulk when i'm about to leave for work. they're the cutest! even hakim was surprised at what good boy and good gurl they were when he visited :) yep, my babies they are :) and i have akuie. the one who melts my heart every time. and i'd never believed it before but 5 years together really flew that fast! :)

anyway, working like a dog everyday now do i notice how short a day could be. and how weekends just disappear with a blink of an eye before i could get to do whatever the hell i'd really like to do. like... play the guitar... or strolling around taking pictures... or organizing the album... or just sit quietly pouring my heart out to ava adore, my diary. but by the time i'd be done with cleaning the house and doing laundry and recovering my stamina by sleeping, 'tis monday again. hwahhhh... what lah? maybe that's why i don't feel like 26 :P but i am, 26. twenty fucking six. sheesh!!!

time really does fly huh?

see? my mind is everywhere. i don't even have a proper subject to blog about hahah. well i could bitch, but then again, that don't get me nowhere so... :P

anyway, time is precious. and i have alot to get done. at work and at home. and boboi and lulu are a couple of furry curling balls sound asleep right now. so i guess i'm gonna be joining them.

what a life.
what a no life.

hope i could come up with some focus the next time round.

in the meanwhile, happy belated merdeka fellow malaysians!
:)